Massachusetts: The Bathroom Behind The Long Wharf Marriott Hotel

So when you think of the Marriott Long Wharf, you think of that long brick building right outside of the New England Aquarium. You see yuppies lined up outside in the summer drinking expensive cocktails on the patio, and I am sure you say to yourself,
“those bathrooms at the Marriott Long Wharf, must be pretty good”. Well you aren’t exactly wrong, but that isn’t what we are going to go today. Not inside of the building at least. In tried and true methods I have gone into a lot of hotels. Mostly because they don’t give you shit for taking a shit in their bathrooms, and they are usually pretty nice. But, true to the namesake of this website, did you know that there is a secret bathroom accessible from the outside of the hotel? Well if you did congrats, maybe you should be a writer here. But, chances are you have no idea what I am talking about so let me clarify our next location. We are going to be shitting at the bathroom in the back of the Marriott Long Wharf Hotel.

Yeah that is kind of a mouthful to say. What peeked my interest is when I went to the Starbucks located on the lower level of the hotel, and a sign read; “public restrooms located behind the Starbucks”. So I looked behind the Starbuck, and it just leads you outside. Now there is one of those Boston Public Pay Toilets which are a quarter to use, but I didn’t think that was what the sign meant. After further inspection when you’re looking at the backside of the hotel, there is a very tiny hallway near the right side entrance. I looked in there expecting to find a maintenance room, but instead I found the next location!

Upon first walking in I noticed how “wet” the floor looked. Now someone didn’t overflow a toilet, it was just the light reflecting off of the weird brown color paint they used to decorate the room. I actually thought someone had flooded the bathroom. But it was nothing more than a mere optical illusion. There was a surprisingly high number of stalls in this facility. There were four in total, and one of them was a handicap stall. Well you know which one I am walking into…

      So I walked into the stall and I sat down and I was letting the coffee do its’ thing to my stomach. There were wads of toilet paper strewn across the floor. Nothing too out of the ordinary. The place also smelt entirely off pee, which was to be expected. I also had to flush the toilet because somebody decided that they didn’t want to do that after they left. So yeah everything seemed on the up-and-up so far.

The bathroom was more utilitarian, than luxury. Usually the bathrooms at Marriott Hotels are really nice and upscale. Usually they have some minor tweeks to the design and aesthetics but overall they seem to follow the same design pattern. This bathroom seemed to be more akin of a public terminal restroom, than that of a better-than-average hotel chain. The walls were an odd shade of yellow-brown and stone. The floor as we discussed above was brown. It has to be one of the uglier bathrooms I have seen. It was like they used whatever they had left-over from the hotel.

The stall itself was roomy, and sprawled the full length of the back side walls’ width. The downside was that there were no coat hooks. So I was forced to put my bag on the wet-looking floor (which it wasn’t) and I had to shit with my coat on. I will say that I don’t know too many people who would enjoy the prospect of shitting in a coat.

As I sat there shitting my morning shit, I noticed that this bathroom was really busy. There seemed to be people coming in there by the three’s. Some taking dumps, others just peeing and leaving. Me, I seemed to be in there for the long haul. My shit wasn’t exactly bad, it was just taking longer than I thought it would. It isn’t exactly the end of the world if I take a longer-than-expected shit, but now I am just rambling.

I seemed to be nearing the end of my boom-boom and I went to inspect the toilet paper. Rather I would have, had there been fucking toilet paper in there! Yeah I sat there in disbelief for a good two minutes rolling the empty cardboard tube around on the rod hoping that I might find some toilet paper scraps on the empty tube. After my minor heart attack, I knew I had to calm myself down. Going out of the stall with my pants around my ankles wasn’t an option in a busy bathroom like this. I contemplated yelling for help, or to have some guys be on the lookout so I can transfer myself into the adjacent stall. With all of those thoughts running through my head I somehow found my center and calmed myself down and started to rationally think. I felt underneath the TP dispenser with close attention to any buttons or anything else of the sort, and I finally hit jackpot! I felt a small little ledge in the center of the TP holder. I moved my hand forward to find that the thing slid to the other side and revealed a fresh new roll of toilet paper!

        This two ply was a gift to me from the shitting Gods! Except it really wasn’t. It was an awful paper-thin two ply toilet paper that neither bunched up correctly, came out in the appropriate amounts without ripping, or folded up nicely to wipe your ass. This toilet paper was like a Trojan horse of sorts from the bathrooms Gods. I felt so betrayed by them. I had to sit here with what seemed like an endless stream of toilet paper wiping my ass to death. When I tell you with each passing wipe I could feel my ass getting raw. It did the job, but it wouldn’t be my first choice in a TP draft.

With all of that nonsense behind me, I flushed my poo down the tubes, and I headed to the sink to wash my hands. The water was automatic and the soap was manual. There was also a better than average air dryer for your hands. There was no paper towel option, which I was kind of expecting. After what seemed like an impossible amount of time with the air dryer, I finished up and headed outside to the big bad world.

Now that you know about my pretty terrible experience using this bathroom, it is time for The Secret Shitter Review. Every category is based on a five-star rating system. Although you can probably see where this is going.

 

Number of stalls	4
Stall Comfort	3
Accessibility	2
Décor	1
Cleanliness	1
Busyness	3.5
Toilet Paper Quality	2
Total	2

I just can’t bring myself to give the Bathroom Behind the Long Wharf Marriott Hotel any more than 2 Stars. The floor is an awful brown, and it looks wet. It isn’t a very good thing when you can’t tell if someone pissed on the floor, or the light is reflecting off of it. To me, that isn’t really a good bathroom design. Notwithstanding the fact that I thought there was no toilet paper, and I literally almost had a fucking heart attack. The fact that there were so many people in the bathroom could have been a blessing, or a curse. I know if I heard some dude saying, “there is no toilet paper, I am moving to the next stall with my pants half-down”. I would laugh like a hyena and then I would say, “Thanks for the heads up”. Everything that I have just stated above are attributes which you do not want your bathroom to be accredited with. So given all that I said, this really isn’t a bathroom you should seek out and go into. I would try for the classier bathrooms of the second floor at the Long Wharf Marriott Hotel, but that us just me.  However, if you are in a rush and feel like gambling on toilet paper being in the restroom, then this is certainly the bathroom for you! I would only recommend this bathroom to the most extreme of bathroom enthusiasts. So if that sort of thing floats your boat, then come on down to the Bathroom Behind the Long Wharf Marriott Hotel! If you’re not that type of person, then stay the fuck away.

 

Yup it is that shameless plug time. I am in the middle of writing The Secret Shitter’s Guide to New England. I am also going to include all of my Boston Bathrooms in the: Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 2: Electric Poogaloo. Know that the first book, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 1 is already on Amazon, and you can get it with FREE prime shitting, I mean Shipping! Not only that, but rest assured that none of that money actually goes to me, I use it to fund my trips to other cities, and to keep up with the website, and all of that cost. So until next time, like us on Facebook, and follow me on twitter, where I just mostly troll people, and we will catch you back here Friday for our first look at Providence! See you then.

The Hilton Boston Downtown/Faneuil Hall Hotel

I have ridden my bike by our next location many times. Usually I was in a rush to catch the last train, so I was never fully able to go and take a dump at the place. After being turned away at the Boston Harbor Hotel, I did have a backup plan, which is our next location, The Hilton Boston Downtown/Faneuil Hall Hotel.

The hotel is located a block from the Faneuil Hall area of Boston. It is located on the street behind the Custom House Marriott Hotel. The hotel is also located around those douchebag row of bars which the custom house is located near. The Hilton Boston Downtown/Faneuil Hall is more tucked out of the way, around what seemed to be office buildings. This spot makes it a perfect place to try to sneak in a poo.

OK so there are two entrances to the Hotel. The one that will be the most beneficial to you will be the Broad Street entrance. There are bellhops standing outside waiting to take bags from people, and open door for you. Just go in through this entrance and you are not too far away from the bathroom.

When you get into the door you will see a conference room on your right and a little alcove area that has a tucked-away hallway on your right. Head towards the tucked away hallway and you will find the men’s room directly ahead of you. When I went in there I didn’t know where the bathroom was so I had to go to the front desk all the way on the other side of the lobby to ask, only to find out I walked past it when I first got into the joint. You don’t have to make the same mistakes I did.

           The bathroom itself is pretty impressive. You are first greeted by a weird abstract framed painting, and then around the corner from that the entire bathroom opens up. On your left side you will see the urinals are tucked away on a slanted wall which adds to the privacy of the urinals. There are only two stalls in this location, and for the first time in a while I opted to not go into the handicap stall.

The stalls themselves are narrow and cozy. They have a full-sized shutter-style door which will give you total privacy. Although the stalls themselves are not very wide, they are longer than most stalls I have gone into. There are also two coat hooks located on the door itself. One of the coat hooks is at the very top of the door, which I could not reach. One would need to be about six feet tall to even have a chance of reaching it. The other coat hook is about three-quarters of the way down the door. I thought it was a little too low for my liking, and the straps on my bag were touching the floor. The place was quite clean, so I didn’t really mind that the straps were touching the ground, but if this had been in a dirtier place, this would have been a giant problem.

Now I was all settled into my seat and ready to unload the vast anal weaponry unto the bowl below, I had a chance to take a close look at the décor of the establishment. The floors were a white marble with beige speckled around inside the tile as well. The baseboard was a really nice black and white marble. The walls on the other hand, were a little harder to identify, so I will do my best to try to liken them to words. The walls were various shades of grey. The variation wasn’t too far off from the deep grey base-color, but there was still some variety to it. The wall was also textured. It kind of jetted out horizontally, like someone took a thicker piece of the material and cut smaller horizontal slits into it. I hope that makes some sense to you, but if it doesn’t I did take a picture of the wall in an attempt to illustrate my point.

When I was shitting and trying to examine the wall I noticed that the toilet seat came kind of loose when I turned to my right. I got up and moved the seat left-to-right, to make sure that the seat was in fact loose, which is was upon further inspection. It isn’t exactly a deal-breaker for me, but it is a little upsetting that you have such a nice bathroom and the toilet seat is loose. I am not a big guy, so my weight isn’t exactly going to start breaking toilet seats, but if you are a tad huskier than myself, you might be in for a surprise when you go to drop a shit off here.

Now over the course of my shit I noticed that the bathroom wasn’t really all that busy. There were about two or three people who came in to take a piss or wash their hands, but because I was behind the door I couldn’t really observe anyone. It was still 2PM on a very unseasonably warm day in Boston in March which should be a good indicator of how busy the bathroom normally is.

     As my time shitting at the Hilton was coming to an end. I focused my attention on the toilet paper. It was a rough textured two ply, which I thought would be great for my ass. This paper gave an essence of being soft and comforting on your butthole, but was average at best. It didn’t feel soft, nor supple and it did a little bit of damage to my anus. I felt bamboozled by the Hilton and its’ awful toilet paper. Not to mention that when I got up to examine the effectiveness of the automated flusher, I found it did not take down any of the offerings that I was giving it. I have to push the little button to engage the flush feature. Why have an automated flusher, if it doesn’t work?

I went over to wash my hands and get the hell out of there. I had an eye appointment in about ten minutes two blocks away and I needed to wash my hands and get out of there. They had a manual sink, and automated soap dispenser. However, the soap dispenser was on a terrible time delay. I held my hand under there for a good five to seven seconds, and nothing came out. Soap only came out as I went over to the other sink. Then that soap dispenser also had the same awful time delay. I had to jump to the third sink, only to have the second soap dispenser shoot soap out after I had gone to the third sink. It was like I was playing a really shitty Whack-A-Mole game with soap. Thank goodness no one was in there at the time to see this shit show go down.

So now that you know of my pooping exploits, let’s turn the attention to The Secret Shitter’s Review. Remember these are all out of a possible five stars.

Accessibility: 2

Décor: 4

Number of Stalls: 2

Stall Comfort: 3.5

Cleanliness: 4

Toilet Paper Quality: 2

Busyness: 2

 

Overall Rating: 3.5

 

I’ll give the Hilton Boston Downtown/Faneuil Hall a solid 3.5 Star rating. The bathroom isn’t awful but there are some problems which is holding back the bathroom from achieving a higher rating. It would have easily gone a point higher had all the batteries been changed on the automated systems. The toilet paper quality would have effectively blocked this bathroom from achieving a full five stars anyways. But those are all easy fixes and I wonder how often maintenance checks the batteries on the automated items in the bathroom. I know that a light will flash red if the battery is too low, but none of these things had the flashing red light, so I do not know what to make of it. I have no idea how the delay is set on those fucking soap dispensers. I wonder if it is just a factory thing, in which case I might need to write an angry email to the company. See most people don’t know that poor performance of these automated bathroom fixtures come from a low battery. So the unit is trying to conserve energy while still trying to perform its’ duties. Outside of the problems I stated above, the bathroom really wasn’t that bad. I love shutter-style doors, and I love full-length stall doors. I think it adds to the privacy and creates a sense of “being home” without actually being at home. So if you can get your shit together Hilton Boston Downtown/Faneuil Hall I will revise this rating, but until then, you are stuck at only 3 Stars.

OK so you know about our first book, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 1, but did you know we are coming out with a sequel? That’s right, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 2: Electric Poogaloo will be done sometime by mid-summer. I am actually hoping to have it done a little before then, but we will see.
You know something else? I could really use some help on this site. I am in need of people willing to help out with such things as; Website Design/Development, Graphic Design, Marketing/Social Media. If you are interested in doing any of the above, contact me Secret.Shitter617@gmail.com and just put the title in the subject line, and I will respond as fast as I can. Thanks again for reading and see you guys next week.

 

 

Rowes Wharf Ferry Terminal

            So today I decided that I would take a walk around the Aquarium area of Boston. When I got to the Aquarium I didn’t have to shit. I noticed a sign that said; “Boston Harbor walk” and I thought to myself, “I haven’t ever done that, why don’t I go and walk around there.” While walking around I could feel some earthly rumblings in my stomach, which was mother natures’ way of telling me we need to find a port to dock in. I am now a little way into the harbor walk when I came upon our next location, The Rowes Wharf Ferry Terminal.

            Now the terminal itself is located somewhere in Rows Wharf. It is actually difficult to explain where it is, so please bear with me. There are little walkways between the Imax Theatre and the Aquarium. You walk along the docks weaving between buildings, restaurants, and hotels. You will then see a few ships kind of just chilling there in the water (it is winter after all, and I don’t think they run as frequently, but you would have to check for more accurate information). There is lettering on the side of the building saying “Ferry Terminal” with a whole bunch of advertising. I thought, “great, this is exactly where I am going to go and take a shit. This is indeed secret.”

            Now being the nice guy that I am, I always like to ask people if I can shit in their establishment (this keeps my cover). When I walked into the Ferry Terminal, I saw three counters, with exactly zero employees. It was only a hunch that there might be a bathroom in here, so now I am stumped as to what to do. But lo and behold, I look up and pointing down a little hallway is a sign for the restroom. Now I should point out that when I walked down this hallway, on the right hand side was a door leading outside again. On the outside of the door was a sign that said; “Restrooms”. So I didn’t even need to walk into the ferry terminal to ask, I could have just walked into this door and used them. Well this is why I write, so you don’t make the same mistakes as I do.

            So I walked down another small hallway and I immediately go and survey the restroom. It is of a medium size, with one urinal, and one handicap stall. The overall inspection yields the results that this place is very clean, probably because nobody knows it’s there.

            The handicap stall is outfitted with a double coat hook. The hooks themselves are fairly tiny, but they are sturdy. They had more than enough size to hold my coat and bag. Now came the time to sit on the toilet and actually shit. I will say, not a single soul walked into this bathroom. About midway through my poop I actually thought I was trespassing to be honest. But then I remembered that there was a sign displayed to the public. This stall was a dream to shit in! it was large and roomy, more than enough room to feel comfortable. The toilet itself was in the corner, while the door was on the left hand side towards the opposite wall. I really like this stall setup. No one can peer through the little slits in the door to peep you while you poop. All they have is a locked door to look at.

            Now with all of that said, the décor of the place was abysmal. It was so generic, that the word generic, would call it generic. Small beige and white tiles lined the walls, while the same equally small tiles lined the floor, except they were grey in color. If you are looking for a designer shitter, this definitely isn’t it. This shitter has a very utilitarian feel. Again this is a ferry terminal after all.

            Now with my shit today being swift and mighty, it ended almost as quickly as it began. This place had a one toilet paper roll holder. This could pose a problem if it were busier, but for right now it was fine. My only complaint was that the toilet paper was too high in the holder. It took about twenty seconds or so for me to fish it out, so I wasn’t able to get a good look at it as I was shitting. Now when I finally did pull the toilet paper down, I was shocked that it was two ply. It did feel a little thin for a two ply, but it had little ridges in it on one side of the toilet paper. I would imagine that would take care of the clumps in your bottom. The toilet paper felt below average to average at best. It didn’t hurt my ass, nor did it feel great. After using the manual flusher I made my way over to wash my hands. The water was automatic, but the soap dispenser was manual. There was only one option to dry your hands, which was paper towels. Like the toilet paper, it had been so filled and underused that it was kind of hard to fetch them out.

            So now that you know about this spot, let’s get into The Secret Shitter’s Review.

Accessibility: 3

Business: 0

Number of Stalls: 1

Stall Comfort: 4

Décor: 2.5

Toilet Paper Quality: 3

Overall Rating: 4

            Well this shitter is definitely above average. It is secluded which is both good and bad. It is almost too secluded for its’ own good. It is accessible to the public on a public walkway, but the sign is a tad hard to read. The only way to really tell that the bathrooms here exist is by reading a small four inch sign on the door. After reading this you could just look for the ferry terminal sign and just go to the right side door, but if you were out and about with a level five alarm going off in your colon then you might not be in the right mind to look for little details like this. The only upside is that the place is a virtual ghost-town in the winter! Not even the employees were there. But I did see ships that had “Logan Airport Shuttle” and “Boston Harbor Islands Ferry” written on the side of them, so that might be a different story in warmer weather. But for right now you are pretty much on your own when it comes to shitting in there. This is an average shitter at best if it were located anywhere else. What makes this bathroom so good is its’ location and seclusion. The décor is subpar, and the toilet paper is average. If there were a bunch of tourists waiting to go to the islands, then this bathroom could get bad really quickly. Quite frankly I don’t think this is the case even in warmer weather though. I know it is just speculation, but I think that most of the ships that go out to the harbor islands leave from the Aquarium. I could be wrong on that though. Either way if you are caught in the no-mans-land between South Station, and the Aquarium, this is a more than adequate place to leave your little brown nuggets behind.

Great so now that we got through the review, now it is time for shameless plug time! You know we have a book right? It is called; The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Volume 1 and you can get it here on Amazon (it comes with free Prime Shipping). We are also working on the follow up to our first book which will be called; The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Volume 2: Electric Poogaloo. Any sales from the first two books will be directly used to send me to a new location! Which city would you like to see me shit in next? Tell me via our Facebook Page, Twitter Page, or email us at; Secret.Shitter617@gmail.com.

Until Next time, Peace.  

Hotel Buckminster

           Our next adventure brings us to the Hotel Buckminster located in Kenmore Square. I am pretty sure this about does it for public restrooms in this neighborhood of Boston, but you never know. The sign for the hotel is located right on the corner of Brookline Avenue and Commonwealth Avenue. But the entrance to the hotel is located around the corner on Commonwealth Avenue.

            Out of all the times I have walked by here I have never actually been inside of the hotel itself. I used to walk by it and just say the name of the hotel in a bad English accent. But today would be different, not only would I go into the hotel, but I would take a crap in it!

            So once you walk up the stairs, you are in quite possibly the smallest hotel lobby I have stepped foot in to date. There are a few chairs for you to sit down in, but it is pretty much a wood covered room (a very classy touch I might add) and a desk with an agent. I don’t think you are going to get into the restroom without declaring your need to use said restroom. So begrudgingly I asked the front desk agent if I could use the restroom. Even though he was very pleasant, I still don’t like asking people to use the restroom. Maybe I am afraid of getting outed as The Secret Shitter. Even though my name is all over it, and my picture appears in our first book, I still don’t like the employees to know it is me. Although this hasn’t been a problem to date, I just feel like it would skew the results if I were to be noticed in public.

            Anyway enough of that chatter, the very nice front desk agent told me that the restroom was down the hall on the right hand side. There are literally only two ways you can go in this hotel, and I stupidly didn’t even notice the sign pointing to the restroom. Either way they knew I was there to use the restroom, and thus didn’t call the cops on me for just walking in there.

            So I come to the door on the right which has the bathroom. It is a one stall private inter-gender restroom. Just a toilet and a sink. I turned on the light, and tried to locate the coat hook to hang my bag up. I will say that the light in the restroom was quite dim. It actually took a good five to seven minutes for the light to reach “normal” brightness. I was pretty much just pooping in a darkened room. Oh yeah I was trying to find the coat hook to hang my bag up. So Here is what the situation is like. The bathroom itself is very tiny. Not much room other than a toilet, and a sink. On the opposite side of the door was a 3M coat hook. Like the one you would buy at a target. That is what this hotel had to hang your coat up with. I hate those things. They are very small for being a coat hook, and I was almost positive it would have fallen down if I had actually put my bag on said hook. So I opted to just lay my bag down by the bottom of the door and hope for the best.

            I will say that the restroom itself was very tidy. I mean I don’t know how it couldn’t be considering how small it was. There was barley any room to move around here, and there was an old style radiator just chillin’ in there with you. This bathroom is already displeasing me. I will say that the décor of the shitter was of a brownish hue. Not much more to say other than that. Also on another note, not a soul bothered me while I was in there making some brown décor of my own.

            As you can imagine the toilet and sink were of the manual variety. The bathroom also boasted a paper towel only hand drying option. By the time I was done drying my hands the light had reached full brightness. With my hands all dry and my belly emptied of the poo, I thanked the front desk agent, and I went off about my way.

            Now that you have heard the rather uneventful tale of my pooping adventure, it is time to get to The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review…

Number of Stalls: 1

Accessibility: 2

Stall Comfort: 2

Cleanliness: 4

Toilet Paper Quality: 3

Décor: 3.5

Busyness: 1

Overall Rating: 3

            The Hotel Buckminster got an average Three Stars out of a possible five. This was literally the most boring dump I had taken to date. Nothing went wrong outside of the lights taking an incredibly long time to heat up. It was just, average. The comfort factor was low, and the coat hook was flimsy at best. I am not saying this is a bad place to take a shit or anything, but it isn’t going to wow you. It is just bland. The lights taking its’ time to heat up leaves you in a dimly lit bathroom. I felt like I should have lit a cigarette just to give it ambiance. Like I said, there really isn’t anything to write home about when it comes to this toilet. I actually kind of feel like I deprived you guys by reviewing it. I wish something would have happened to me while I took a dump here but sadly, it was just average. Even the fucking toilet paper was average. It wasn’t good, it wasn’t bad. And that ladies and gentlemen describes the Hotel Buckminster, it isn’t good, it isn’t bad, but it will get the job done.

            Are you still looking for that wild factor? Why not just go over to Amazon and buy our book, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Volume 1? It has all sorts of wild tales of dooking around the city. And it can fit easily inside of a purse, briefcase, or backpack. So take the only guidebook you really need with you wherever you are! Until next time, Peace. 

Residence Inn Marriott Hotel: Back Bay Fenway

           Sometimes you just have to go. This is the situation I found myself in when I went to our next destination, The Residence in Marriott Hotel. Now I am no stranger to the pooping danger, and hotel bathrooms have been pretty good to me. They are free, and if you don’t look homeless, chances are they will let you go right on in and use the bathroom without having to buy anything, or do anything special to gain entrance.

 

 

            When you enter the hotel you will see that the lobby is quite large. There is a little area to the left after you walk in where they serve coffee and tea. Right in front of you will be the front desk. There will be no way around it, you will have to ask to use the bathroom here. The restrooms are marked, but it is only once you start walking down towards that area the signs become visible.

 

            So what if you don’t want to tell the front desk agent you got a dook monster lurking in your loins? Well here is what you do. Remember when I told you about the coffee and tea to your left? Keep that information in your head. That room has an open design, but there is a small hallway that keeps going, that is where the bathroom is located. If you keep walking down this way, turn left and you will find the bathrooms.

 

            When you walk into the bathroom you will notice that there is only one stall. Just to my liking it is a handicap stall. I guess if you are going to have just one stall it needs to be a handicap one. Any way I was pumped. I got in and began my evaluation of the Fenway area pooper.

 

            You know what was great about it? There were two hooks to hang your coat on. One hook for your bag, and another for your jacket. These are the things that I like to see in a bathroom. Someone must like to poop like me. But either way you will also find that the stall is rather comfortable and large. It is the size of the wall and takes up a nice chunk of the bathroom.

 

            The other great thing about this bathroom was being able to poop in peace for a solid ten minutes without being interrupted in the least. Not only did nobody come and knock on the door, but nobody even came in to take a piss. I normally go and use the bathrooms at night after work, but on this day it was somewhere around eleven o’clock in the morning. So needless to say I was shocked when it came to the fact that the bathroom was barren.

            Now the décor of the pooper was pretty different. The walls were a manage of brown, grey, and white. While the floor tiles were grey with a touch of lime green. Now that is the wild factor I look for. Very few places incorporate green into their color schemes, it is usually dark, woody, colors. Adding the lime green to the light grey made the bathroom seem light and airy.

 

            So while frolicking through the poop-fields, it was sadly time to end my stay here, which means I had to turn my attention to the toilet paper. Now you can have the best décor, a heated toilet seat, hell you could even have a washroom attendant, but all of that goes out the window if you have subpar toilet paper. Actually the toilet paper that was in this bathroom was a quite cushy two ply. The only downside was that one of the two toilet paper holders was broken. I am sure somebody knows and have worked on it since I went in there, but you cannot be too sure. Nothing in my notes stood out to me expect the nice quality of the toilet paper, so with that deed done, the automatic flusher took my offering to the mole people living beneath Boston, and I was on my way.

 

            It is also worth mentioning that the hand washing facilities were automatic as well. With a paper towel drying apparatus. So that is always good too. So now that we are in the know, let us get to The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review System.

Number of Stalls: 1

Accessibility: 2

Stall Comfort: 5

Cleanliness: 4

Toilet Paper Quality: 4

Décor: 5

Busyness: 1

Overall Rating: 5

            That’s right, we are going to give the Residence Inn Marriott Hotel Five Stars. Considering that this hotel is nestled in one of the busiest districts of Boston (Fenway Neighborhood) and it was mid-day, and not a single person even came in to take a leak, I consider this bathroom an oasis in the dessert of shit. What really set the bathroom over the edge was the subtle use of lime green in the tiles. Yeah I know what you are saying to yourself, that is all it takes to impress you? Well, yes, and no. I applaud the Residence Inn Marriott Hotel and their design team when it comes to the color scheme, but it is more about the seclusion and about the security of my anus to be honest. Not to mention the toilet paper didn’t rip my asshole to shreds. Even though one of the toilet paper holders were broken, I am sure that it has been rectified by the time of this writing. I can’t imagine that a hotel will let something like that go for too long without it being checked out. Yeah there is some generic Red Sox pictures hanging in the bathroom, but that is to be expected in the Fenway Neighborhood of Boston. So if you are down that way before a game, or are just in the neighborhood this is a must poop place.

 

            Think I got it right, want to add some of your own stories? Sound off in the comment section below.

            Also have you heard that we have a book out? You did? Did you get it? Why not? Keep The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Volume 1 in your bag and never fear pooping in public again. Get to KNOW the bathrooms before you have to GO to the bathroom. The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Volume 1 makes a great Birthday gift, or a gift for any time of the year. So head on over to Amazon.com and pick your copy up today!

 

            Until next time, Peace.   

Hyatt Regency Boston

                From the depths of my bowels to your eyes this installment of The Secret Shitter brings us to the Hyatt Regency Boston. Now this particular spot can be a little confusing to find, there are two Hyatt Regencies in Boston. One Regency is the Waterfront, and the other one is well, this one.

 

            The Hyatt Regency is located on Avenue de Lafayette in the Downtown Crossing neighborhood of Boston. It is around the corner from the Paramount Theater and a short walk from the Downtown Crossing, Park Street, and South Station MBTA Stations. I took the nice walk up from the South Station MBTA Stop. I don’t know what made me think to go into this hotel, but I am sure glad that I did.

 

            Now the hotel itself is setup rather confusing, so please bear with me as I try to explain it. You go in through the front doors, down a few sets of ramps, which will lead you to an elevator. You want to take the elevator up to the third floor, which will bring you to the hotel lobby. Why on Earth is the lobby located on the third floor is beyond me. But then again if I was in the hotel design business, I wouldn’t be writing a blog about crapping in public…

 

            Now remember how I said it was confusing finding the lobby? Well buckle up son because you are about to go on a god damn adventure trying to find this bathroom. You want to walk down where there are two IMacs and take an immediate right down that small hallway. Now there will be a sign that says “bathrooms”, but it isn’t so clear cut. You want to walk down that hall towards a small conference room/office, or whatever the hell it is. There will be a small hallway jetting out to your right. That is where the bathrooms are located. OK got that? I promise it will be worth it.

 

            Now when you first walk in you will see a grey pattern all around you. It is like a faux marble, although it could be real, I have no way to test these things in the field, either way it looked fucking baller. Now there are four doors across from the urinals, pick whichever one you want. There is no difference here to be honest. The doors are very solid. They actually feel like a door, if that makes any sense? See sometimes the stall doors feel flimsy, making you question whether or not you actually want to stay rooted in there for very long. Although sometimes you really do not have a choice.

 

            So now that we know the stall door feels like a door, let’s move on to the sheer size of the stall itself. To be honest it is deceptively small. You think that you are going into this tiny little thing, and then you realize that you have enough room to move around in it. There is also a coat hook up on the wall, which will come in handy considering Mother Nature is about to body slam the shit out of Boston, and if you are like me, I really do not like shitting with my winter jacket on. There are far too many variables that could go wrong. I also just purchased a white jacket for this winter, and well white doesn’t exactly cover brown.

 

            Another thing I like about the doors are they are raised a little higher than normal. This has a twofold advantage, one being they can see you, and you can see them. No awkward run ins in this bathroom. Speaking of which, there really wasn’t any activity when I was in there. Maybe a guy or two coming in to piss, and there was one other guy which was in the clutches of El Crappo’s hand (in case you don’t know, El Crappo is the fabled crap-demon from our neighbors to the south).

 

            Weirdly enough, above the smoothing sounds of the hipster soft rock that was 

playing, I could hear multiple toilets flushing to my left. I figured there was probably a glitch in the system. Sometimes those automatic flushers go off mid-shit.

 

            Now that El Crappo was beginning to help my poo slide out of the rectum slide, I was able to take a closer look at the wallpaper and décor. Now the décor had grey and white marbled floors, and a light grey wallpaper. Elegant, and relaxing is how I would describe the design of this high rise shitter. I felt relaxed here, and I didn’t feel like I needed to rush. I felt as though I could take all of the time in the world here.

 

            I was nearing the end of my little experience here in the Hyatt Regency Boston, and I had to turn my undivided attention to the two rolls of toilet paper sitting to my left. Now I took a little sample test of the toilet paper which would grace my O-ring, and to my surprise it felt awfully thin! How could a place that looked this good, cleaned this good, and felt this good have sub-par toilet paper! I sighed to myself, and I went about balling the toilet paper up and took a good, meaty swipe and the goo. Wow. The Hyatt Regency pulled one on The Secret Shitter. This paper is totally a comfortable two ply. Thank heavens because I was getting myself all worked up about this. When one wrestles with the god of hemorrhoids, you should not take any chances.

 

            Now that I was done doing the voodoo that I do, I got up and almost walked out when I noticed something odd, the automatic flusher didn’t go off. I thought it was odd, and upon further inspection it was not an automatic flusher at all! So by my deductions El Crappo must have taken a little too much from the man a few stalls over from me. Because that fucking toilet flushed a good five times. What struck me as odd was the fact that my toilet took the whole thing down with one pull of the magical flush stick. I guess I got lucky?

 

            So now you know about what I did, it is now time to put The Hyatt Regency Boston to The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review System. Let us begin…

 

Number of Stalls: 4

Accessibility: 2

Stall Comfort: 3

Cleanliness: 5

Toilet Paper Quality: 4

Décor: 3.5

Busyness: 2

 

Overall Total: 4.25

Ok So you are probably wondering what is stopping this from being the perfect shitter? Well there isn’t really anything wrong with this bathroom at all. I just need more of a WOW Factor to make this reach up to that next level. I mean it is out of the way, it has a lot of stalls to choose from, and it is clean as a baby’s bottom. Like I said, when I give out five stars I expect to be wowed in some way, shape, or form. With all that being said this is totally a great place to take a poop in the Downtown Crossing area of Boston. I mean it has exactly everything you want in a bathroom. And it is so far out of the way most people will not even be bothered to look for it, which is a good thing for you. It is almost TOO out of the way for its’ own good. I mean you do have to trek through two doormen, an elevator full of people, and a front desk just to get to this shitter. Is it cool? Of course it is! Practical? Maybe not so much. Unless you are walking right by the hotel, you probably won’t even know it is there to be honest.

So with all of that said, did you agree or disagree? Let me know in the comment section below. Also please feel free to share this post with your friends and family!

Did you hear about our book? The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 1 is available on Amazon.com in both Paperback, and Kindle form! Click here to get it All of the cool kids are getting the book. Also maybe you can drop hints to your significant other and have him/her get you the book for Valentine’s Day! It is never too early to start dropping hints…

 

Until Next time… Peace.  

Corner Mall

              The Corner Mall is a small collection of stores located on Washington Street in the Downtown Crossing section of Boston. There is a pretty sizeable food court, which has more Chinese noodle places than you can shake a stick at. There is also a Dunkin’ Donuts and a sushi place. Personally I am a big fan of the Chinese knock off noodle joints, so after devouring a teriyaki chicken plate with some noodles, it is almost instantaneous that my stomach begins to get upset. You never know when the urge to drop down some brown u-dong noodles of your own will strike.

               There is a bathroom located on the basement level at the corner mall. It isn’t very hard to find once you get into the food court itself. There is a large sign that says “Additional Seating Available Downstairs”. Just follow the damn sign. It really isn’t that hard.

               Once you get downstairs there will be a plethora of tables and stools, and a lonely security guard sitting by himself looking at the entrances to the bathrooms wondering what his life has come to. The bathrooms share a common entrance. On the left hand side there is the men’s room, and on the right hand side there is the woman’s restroom. I would advise you to go to your gender’s respective facilities.

               Upon entering the men’s room, you will notice a stark change in atmosphere you are accustomed to. The men’s shitter is actually covered in black tiles. It is actually kind of weird when you really think about it. You are used to light, and airy colors when it comes to shitters. The stark change kind of leaves you bewildered, or maybe it is the smell of piss that permeates around you.

               If the smell is any indication about the cleanliness of this bathroom, you are in for a rough time shitting. I know the large homeless population uses this bathroom as their home base. This is probably the reason why there is security posted up down there. Anyways I seem to be getting off the topic. When I walked into the bathroom I couldn’t help but notice a junkie looking dude just washing his arm pits in the sink. I mean this dude had his duffle bag (which he most likely lives out of) on the ground, clothes all over the sink, and he was literally using that foamy soap to wash his pits. I do have to commend the gentleman on his hygiene, at least he won’t smell in public. I am sure that guy has bigger problems on his hands instead of worrying about little old lonesome me seeing him wash his pits with foam soap on a Friday afternoon.

               So to continue, there are only two stalls for you to make your choice. There is a handicap stall, and a normal sized stall. Now on this day the stall I would normally use (the handicap stall) was being occupied by a very boisterous shitter, so I had to opt for the normal man stall. I got inside of the stall and noticed how much of a chore it was to get the damn lock to well, lock. It was one of those situations similar to the Faneuil Hall North Building review, I had to make my shit as large-sounding as possible to ward off any would-be intruders.

               As I got the door situation under control, I had to find a place to hang my bag up. Unfortunately for yours truly, there was no coat hook available in this particular stall. It seems as though the hook itself had been taken completely off of the stall door. “this is fine, remember your training” I thought to myself. Usually I will just place the bag next to my feet and hope for the best. Well I had to kick away some toilet paper on this particular day. It seems like it was trying to soak up some unidentified liquid which was on the ground. Again, this isn’t really that big of an issue, I HAVE seen worse places than this before.

               So I go about my boo-pooping business. I was grunting and straining loud enough so others would know not to disturb me. In the process of doing this, I happened to glance down to my left and turned my attention to the toilet paper holder. Anxiety instantly came over my body. There was no fucking toilet paper in this stall! What is a secret shitter to do? Well upon further inspection I did notice that there seemed to be a roll lodged up in the top part of the toilet paper holder. Unfortunately, the damn thing was locked. On a side note, I had lost my keys a week prior. You might be asking yourself “why is this relevant to a story about shitting in a crappy strip mall”?  Well the reason why this becomes relevant is due to the fact that on my keys I had a Leatherman multi-tool. If I had the damn Leatherman, I would have been able to wedge the damn knife in the little key hole and unlock the fucking thing. However, the poop gods would not be with me on this day.

               Now I am a small guy, I lumber around at a staggering five foot two inches. Being on the shorter end of manhood, I have been granted the gift of having “petite” girly hands, as I call them. As I sit here shitting my brains out from the damn u-dong noodles, I am trying to size up the fucking toilet paper hole to save my underwear from becoming a victim of being used as improvised toilet paper. So now here I am shitting wedging my hand (wrist deep by the way) up this fucking toilet paper dispenser, hoping to Buddha that there are no needles stuck up there. What made it worse was every time I thought I had a grasp of the toilet paper, the gods would let it just slip upwards escaping my grip, and putting the toilet paper back into its’ original starting position at the top of the dispenser. Now I can continue with describing this terrible ordeal in great detail, but I will spare you today. All you need to know is that it took about fifteen minutes of me fucking around to get the damn toilet paper to drop.

               So after all of that fuss and excitement, I had to get the fuck out of that bathroom. Truth be told, I totally forgot to take any notes about the toilet paper quality. I vaguely remember it not being of the highest quality, but I cannot attest to anything concrete. If you guys and gals take anything away from these writings know this; I will report to you only the facts. Not a single fabrication is made in any of my writings. I will say that in the course of me wrestling the toilet paper dispenser, that there were innumerable amounts of people who came through that bathroom. I am actually shocked that this report has any pictures to go along with it.

               The only thing going for this bathroom is that the automatic flusher for the toilet was not on a time delay. Everything else in the handwashing department was also automatic. There was only one option for drying your hands, and as you can imagine, it was a shoddy old air dryer. After snapping the few pictures, I could, I got the hell out of that hell hole, vowing to myself that I would never come back, unless it was to piss.

               So now that you are in the know, I would like to turn your attention to the Secret Shitter Review. This review is based off of a five (5) star point system. Let us begin…

Number of Stalls: 2

Accessibility: 2

Stall comfort: 2

Cleanliness: 1

Toilet Paper Quality: N/A

Décor: 3.5

Cell Phone Reception: 2

Busyness: 4

Overall Rating: 1

               You are probably sitting there wondering why I gave this bathroom a ONE STAR RATING even though it didn’t score any ones on the review itself. Well if the damn junkie washing his fucking stank pits in the sink didn’t set the bar for the bathroom, the subsequent tussle with the toilet paper dispenser totally bombed the whole damn thing. I legit spent fifteen minutes wrestling with my hand wrist deep up the dispenser trying to extract toilet paper from it. I thought I had seen bad shitters, but this one sets the bar low here on season two. Now the astute reader will see that I have added a new category, which is Cell Phone Reception. After doing about twenty-three reviews, I think that this is something that also needs to be examined in full when going to the bathroom. How many people entertain themselves with their phone while they are shitting? I know everyone who reads this does, so don’t act like you don’t. As I said in the review I really couldn’t remember how bad the toilet paper itself actually felt. It could be average for all I know, but personally I don’t give a rat’s ass. You combine this with the fact that there are a boat load of people going in and out of the bathroom and you have yourself a recipe for a really bad review. The only positives to take out of this review is the fucking décor of the place, and even that only scored a tad higher due to the fact it was different, with its’ black and grey color scheme. So there you have it folks, the only high point about this shitter is the color scheme of the bathroom.

Do you love The Secret Shitter? Than you should totally head over to Amazon.com and buy our first collection of reviews: The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston, Volume 1. It is only five American dollars, and you can read it on most smart phones while you are shitting! So head on over to Amazon.com and pick up The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston, Volume 1 today!

There will also be a paperback version available of The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston, Volume 1 available soon! 

City Target

               Good old City Target is our next Secret Shitter poo spot. Actually it isn’t an old one at all; it is the brand new Target which just opened up on Boylston Street in the Fenway section of Boston. This Target has three floors, and is conveniently located within the city. You can take the MBTA here, and do all of your shopping. Now personally I am not interested in any of that at all. I was finishing up my nightly Iced Americano from Starbucks when the sirens started to alarm me that a poop was imminent. So I headed inside the three floor building.

               There is an escalator directly ahead of you when you go through the main entrance. There is an elevator too which will bring you up to the second floor where the store begins as well. Now I am a man of swift action and I took to the escalator with the fury of a thousand Gods. I got to the top and on the opposite side of the wall past all of the cash registers, which were severely undermanned by the way, is where you will find the entrance to the hallway which will lead you to the porcelain promised land.

               Now you go down this red hallway, and turn to your right, and right there in front of you is the restrooms. There are also a family restroom and a woman’s restroom as well. Literally you cannot miss the hallway. It has big white letters which say “Bathrooms” on it.

               I walked in and I was taken aback by how large the space really is. I mean this is a huge bathroom as far as I am concerned. The weird thing though is that there are only two stalls in there. The rest is just urinals. Hopefully you will catch it when there aren’t that many people occupying the spaces. Why they would only build two stalls for shitting is beyond me. There is enough room for at least two more, with enough room leftover to accommodate four urinals. But I am not in the bathroom design business; I am in the shitting business.

               So unfortunately for me, the handicap stall what being taken by a rather loud pooting gentleman. So I went into the other stall and began my journey. Now the toilet itself looked kind of futuristic. I am picturing this type of toilet being on 2001: A Space Oddesy. But needless to say, there were both handrails in this normal stall, and there was a coat hanger to boot. Very large for a normal stall, but I don’t think you could fit a wheelchair in it, but you almost could.

               As I did my swinging arm test to gauge the stall size I did happen to notice how clean the facility was. There was literally nothing out of place on the floor and every lock, hinge, and apparatus worked as it should have. As I laid my sweet booty down for some poo time, I will say that this bathroom was incredibly busy even at night. If you are skittish about your poo tasks than I will say that you might want to find another bathroom to go to. I believe that I went around nine thirty at night, and the joint was still hopping. So just bear that in mind when you decide to enter the bathroom.

               Now the floor was white tiles with spots of beige in them. The walls were the atypical Target walls; they were bright white with red accent tiles. This is something they do across the corporate board. I would imagine that in every Target across the country each bathroom is set up with this décor in mind. So after seeing my third Target bathroom, there isn’t really anything new that jumped out to me. The stall dividers were metal, and that is pretty much that.

               After wrestling with my poo enemy, I had to turn my attention to the toilet paper in this facility. Although it was technically two ply, it was subpar at best. You would think that in a new place they would at least up their TP game a little, but sadly this is not the case. This is most likely a Georgia-Pacific Generic Two Ply #183. Needless to say my asshole was not happy with the choice of toilet paper from this particular Target.

               Now that the automatic flusher took every down, I sadly had to end my adventure. I went to go wash my hands, which by the way everything was automated; the water, soap, and air dryer. The peculiar thing about the sinks is that they kind of look like dog bowls. They are high vanity like sinks, which seem like somebody tried to put an effort into the design of the bathroom with, but they just look fucking horrible. They look like those bowls you spit into at the dentist’s office. They are just completely awkward and seem out of place in my opinion. I will commend them on giving the vanity a little color, it seems like off-white beige to be honest, but it totally doesn’t fit in the bathroom. The other thing I did notice on my way out the door was that there was a cleaning list for the week hung up on the door as you exit. So at least it is going to be kept clean.

               So now that I am done doing the poo-doo that I do, it is time to turn your attention to my Secret Shitter Five Star Review. Now remember folks this is out of a possible five (5) stars.

Number of Stalls: 2

Toilet Paper Quality: 2.5

Stall Comfort: 3.5

Busyness: 4

Décor: 3

Cleanliness: 4

Accessibility: 4

Overall Rating: 3

               I will give the City Target a solid 3 on my scale. Partly due to the accessibility and cleanliness factor (which is what you look for in a bathroom) but the other negatives outweigh the positives. What good is it if you have people knocking at the door, or shitty toilet paper? Yeah you can find this bathroom, yeah it is big, and yes it is clean, but the largeness of the bathroom is to accommodate like five urinals. I don’t think it matters what time you go here because it is going to be busy as hell regardless of the time of day. You are going to either encounter rush hour shoppers, or people going to shop before, and after they get off of work if they go to work at irregular hours. The toilet paper in this place leaves a little more to be desired. The décor is a generic Target bathroom design, so that is what it is, but those dog bowl looking sinks are ugly as sin. However If you are looking for a place that is centrally located to poo-poo than the City Target makes for a more than adequate place to shit. Even though there are better places to shit literally across the street, sometimes when nature calls, you can’t put her on hold. 

South Station

               Finally, The Secret Shitter has come back to… South Station, on my never ending adventure to find the perfect bathroom I decided that I would try my hand at another MBTA train station, as you know from the North Station review, that didn’t end up too well for my anus. However maybe my luck has finally turned for the better, as I dare enter the bathrooms at South Station.

Photo: The Secret Shitter

               Now South Station is a meeting hub for the southern Commuter Rail line which services as far south as Providence Rhode Island. It is also a connection for the MBTA’s Red line train, and Silver line bus service. It also serves as a bus hub into Boston, and has Amtrak connections as well. So as you can imagine, this station is a very busy one.

               The bathroom itself is not hard to find. As you walk in through the main doors, you will enter a threshold where the food court is located. Upon entering this threshold, if you turn your attention to your immediate right, you will find the men’s room right there.

               Now once you get into the bathroom you will be met with a dazzling array of six stalls to choose from. What comes to my mind appeared in something similar in a book I read recently, The Tibetan Book of the Dead (TBOTD). Supposedly in the TBOTD when you are faced with choosing the next realm of rebirth you are shown six lights, each varying with color denoting the different realms one could be born into. Some are of the God realm, the Anti-God realm, the Human Realm, the Animal Realm, the Realm of the Anguished Spirits, and the Hell Realm.  Choosing a toilet in South Station is very similar in fashion, one might find itself in a heavenly toilet, or you could stumble into a venerable toilet hell. I guess your past actions of food consumption will guide you into which realm you will be using.

               As you might guess this bathroom is not the quietest spot to drive the poo-train to Browntown. Even at night this place was fucking busy as hell. There was a constant symphony of toilets flushing almost every second I was in there. There was also the unmistakable hum of air dryers, and sinks being used. If you are skittish about your Yiddish, I would suggest looking elsewhere to take a shit. Honestly, I am just being real with you; this place is not for the faint of heart.

Photo: The Secret Shitter

               Now I will say the bathroom was kind of cleaner than I thought at first glance. The bathroom had some minor issues like; toilet paper on the floor, and some unidentified water seeping and oozing around, but nothing can prepare you for the heinous smell which is in this facility. It smelt like the bathroom of a thousand shits, and pisses. I mean this is some serious bad stuff right here.

               As I said before the bathroom was large, and the stalls were no different. They were rectangular in fashion, and sort of wider than normal. However at first I was unable to fully concentrate due to the fact that the latch would not lock all the way on the door and the coat hanger was broken off on the door. The light grey floors looked pretty clean, so I wasn’t hesitant in laying my bag down beside me. I was more concerned with some commuter popping open the door and exposing me, pants around my ankles to some onlookers. But I will say the grey floors and the silver stall dividers totally made the bathroom appear smaller, and roomier than you first might think.

               Now normally I really do not go into great detail about the shit I take. I am usually just doing a casual poo, and I snap some pics of the inside of the stall and take some notes, on a stock note taking app on my phone. However my notes from this poo were mostly concentrated on the shit itself. I didn’t think that I had to shit that badly, and to be quite honest I wouldn’t even be able to recall what I ate that day. My mind just simply doesn’t work like that. I am usually a big picture kind of guy and am usually just able to recall snippets of things. But boy howdy, did this shit fucking stink. It started innocently enough, a little log here, a little log there, and some tiny high-pitched farts echoed from the third stall. I think it was pushing those poos out of the way, that in essence I took that little Dutch Boy’s thumb from the proverbial hole in my anus’ dam. What was released next could only be described as a hate crime against toilets. The amount of shit that came out of my one hundred and twenty pound body was enormous. So big in fact that when the assault was finally over, the poo reached heights above water. I literally created a shit mountain that almost touched my asshole. It was so large it was almost kissing my anus. Now the sheer height of my shit was not the only monster lurking in this venue. When I tell you the smell could have gagged a gaggle of small geese, it was so bad in fact I had to lift my own shirt up over my nose. The stench was heavy and thick. It was almost reminiscent of a hazy fog. I could hear the casuals praying to their Gods for mercy. I honestly must tell you that this smell was so thick it could have somehow attach itself to peoples clothing. The poor motherfuckers on the Silver Line heading to Logan Airport must have been mortified by the fog that was surrounding me. I felt like Pigpen from the Peanuts comics on my long commute home.

Photo: The Secret Shitter

               After a shit that nasty, I shuddered to think of what kind of sandpaper-like toilet paper awaited my anus. To my udder shock, the toilet paper was actually really nice! It was of the two ply plush variety, and it had little bumps in it to give it that extra soft touch. It was like I really entered into the Realm of the Gods. I believe my shitting karma finally gave me a big break here. This paper felt as though it was sent by the Gods, handcrafted for my sore behind.

               Now this toilet is no stranger to the anal danger. It took every last bit of shit down with one mighty powerful flush. I was in shock and awe. Now upon getting up and grabbing my belongings I did mention earlier that the bathroom was atypically clean, nothing totally out of the ordinary that one wouldn’t expect in such a large bathroom. However, something in the corner of the toilet caught my eye. There was a fucking pair of rolled up socks just chilling out there for all to see. I know that I should have taken my shoes and socks off in a feeble attempt to try to mask the smell of the butt-fog which was emanating from my stall. However I digress.

               I went to go and try to rid my hands of the poo remains that might be left over. I noticed that the front façade of one of the sinks was cracked and falling down. Inside of that sink was a small lake of clogged up water from countless hands over the course of the day. Everything was automatic in the hand washing station. To my delight, there were no paper towels, but a Dyson Airblade hand dryer! If you are unfamiliar with these apparatus’ they have small oval openings in the middle of the until that you place your hands into open-palm style, and pull up and down while jets of air hit you from two sides.

Photo: The Secret Shitter

               So now that you know all about my awful monstrous dump, we can go on to The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review.

Number of Stalls: 6

Toilet Paper Quality: 3

Stall Comfort: 2.5

Busyness: 5

Décor: 2

Cleanliness: 2

Accessibility: 4

Overall Rating: 2.5

              

I am giving the South Station Shitter a commendable (for the MBTA) 2.5. I went and did the poo-do at night, so I am taking that into account here. If I were to base this off of my entire experience, than I would probably give it a 3 to 3.5. However I know in the morning rush hours that this bathroom is going to get more smashed than a $2 hooker. I mean it was kind of clean, but things were broken inside. One

sink was completely clogged, and the façade was falling off of it. Another shocking thing that I found was that upon first inspection, the restroom seemed to be fairly clean. I did find a pair of rolled up socks hidden in the corner of the toilet. There was also a man who seemed to be changing in the next stall, maybe the socks rolled out of his duffle bag? I don’t have the answers to these things. I am going to assume that the bathrooms here will resemble the one that I found in North Station at the height of rush hour. Although this bathroom has way more stalls, it still doesn’t make up for some peoples lack of hygiene. So with this review in the books, we turn the page, hopefully to something a little better.

Photo: The Secret Shitter

Ames Hotel Boston

     So I took a little time off to recoup from pooping for the last two weeks. Which is part of the reason I only post two reviews a week, either way, when I was walking down Washington Street in Boston tonight, I got the worst urge simmering up from the depths below. I was so close, yet so far from home. I knew if I got on that train that it would only lead me to bad places as far as my bowels were concerned. So I urgently looked around, and I saw right in front of me, our next destination, The Ames Hotel Boston.

Photo: The Secret Shitter

               The building was mysterious and swanky. Every time I walk past it, nothing I can see through the front windows resembles a hotel. There is just a bar off to the right, with some patio seating outdoors. When I stepped through the front door I noticed a small desk in the left hand room with two attendants standing there assisting a family. Apparently the son, probably around twelve was experiencing inner ear problems, they couldn’t figure out if a doctor was open, and them being Australian, they couldn’t understand the concept of the CVS Minuet Clinic. That was their only option, or go to the emergency room, which the father laughed at because he didn’t want to rack up debt while on vacation. So he told his son to “suck it up for the night”, and they went back away to their rooms.

               Now it was my turn at the front desk. I tried to be a little helpful and sympathetic towards the family because I had an ulterior motive to shit in their building. The desk agent told me that the bathroom was on the second floor, and up, up, and away I went.

               I really had no time to find the stairs; I jumped right onto the elevator and headed for floor two. I got off the elevator and after a quick scan of my surroundings; I headed right towards the bathroom. The men’s room was the first door on the left after you turn right down the hallway. You open the door, and turn slightly right, and the first thing you notice is how bright and modern-looking the bathroom really is. There were two stalls, and two very large full length mirrors on the opposite side of the stalls. The first stall was open, and normally I would inspect the premise for a handicap stall, this time I just couldn’t, I was going to shit, and I was going to shit in the next few moments.

Photo: The Secret Shitter

               I was actually amazed when I walked into the stall. The toilet was futuristic looking, it was sort of boxy and had no flusher attached to it. There were these two buttons built into the wall above it, one big one, and one little one. I closed the door behind me, and I noticed something seemed off; the stall door was heavy and was a full sized door!

               This fully sized door is totally a game changer in my book. You actually feel as though you are pooping in a private bathroom, but you’re not. Either way I decided to tend to the task at hand and tend to my brown crop which I was harvesting at a rapid pace.

               I will say that the square toilet felt a tad awkward. I thought maybe it was something that your body just gets used to. However my butt never really conformed or accepted this radical new toilet design. I am not saying that it is bad, it just felt weird. It was kind of high too. So my feet were dangling off of the floor, and my ass was getting used to this square nesting-style toilet.

               The décor was really nothing that I would write home about. There were solid black tiles on the floor, and painted white walls. As modern as this shitter was, nothing really jumped out at me about the décor. There were those full length mirror’s on the opposite wall, and the sinks were pretty cool looking (which I will get to later in the post), but this was kind of lack luster. For a place that wouldn’t let me open the front door, the bathrooms looks’ sure were disappointing.

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               To be honest, it was nighttime when I went so I couldn’t really gauge with accuracy how busy the bathroom really is. However, I will say that I honestly thought I was alone in the latrine. That was until I heard the flush in the adjacent stall. Man that full sized door really comes in handy here; it was like a sound barrier from all of the outside distractions. It was kind of Zen-like to be honest. One can just sit there and keep their single-mindedness towards the poop. You can become one with the poop. I however I was serving up what I could only describe as anal ice cream, thick and creamy was the tone of this shit. It felt as though the shit would never end. I was fearing that I would have to wipe endlessly due to the wet marker which my anus would transform into.

               This brings me to the next two phases of the evaluation, now I know this is going to be the first post with this new gauge in there, but the cell phone reception was about three to four bars.  Yeah so I tried to surf the information superhighway while I was on the throne and I honestly didn’t really have any problems with reception. I was able to browse Facebook and Twitter with the greatest of ease. Now to be honest I have Metro PCS as my carrier, which I believe uses T-mobiles towers, so your results may vary.

Photo: The Secret Shitter

               So I was done serving the brown ice cream to the happy children by the lake, when I had to turn my attention to the final boss. The initial toilet paper evaluation seemed promising. It was two ply, and was ribbed for my pleasure. It seemed cushy, which is always a good thing. So here goes nothing. I started wiping and to my butthole’s delight, it was as cushy as the evaluation predicted. I should somehow patent this system, but that seems too strenuous of an activity for me at this current juncture in time. So with the wiping done it was time to turn my attention to the buttons that were built into the wall. I figured that the larger button was for poops, and the smaller one was used for tinkles. So I pushed down the large button, and like a demon grabbing someone straight down to hell, it took my load without mercy. So for shits and giggles I pushed the smaller button, and my assumption was correct, it was a lighter flush mostly used for tinkles.

               So now that the deed is done I turned my attention to the wash station. It was pretty different to be honest. There was a manual sink, but it was large, square, and flat. It was such a cool design! There were no signs of any kind of concave shaping. I guess there had to be some kind to make the water go down the drain, but man it was really fucking cool to play with it. There was a soap dispenser to your right, and then there were only paper towels to dry your hands. All in all the wash station was pretty cool.

               So now that I am done with my dastardly task, it is time once again to start The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review. Now remember some of the categories are subjective, and are entirely up to my discretion, the categories ratings are also out of a possible five (5) stars. So let’s not make haste, and let’s get to the reviewin’…

Number of Stalls: 2

Toilet Paper Quality: 4

Stall Comfort: 4.5

Busyness: 2

Décor: 3

Cleanliness: 5

Accessibility: 1

Overall Rating:  5

 

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               There you have it; The Ames Hotel Boston scored 5 out of 5 stars here on The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review. I initially gave these 4.5 stars due to the décor, but I had a change of heart as I kept writing about this. I mean this is a very Secret Shitter. Now I really don’t like to give out five stars all willy-nilly but this little guy grew on me. I know the standards should be a tad higher, but if you don’t like it write your own damn blog! The bathroom is completely tucked away from the public. If you were to just walk into the lobby you would never find it without asking someone who was there. That in and of itself is worth the high rating alone. Now yes the décor is sort of boring, but I will say that the square, flat sink totally made up for any mundane features that were presented in the latrine. Not only that but the stall comfort is completely off the charts here. Not only does the deep colored wood door look fantastic against the plain colors, but the coat hanger is sturdy as a brick shit-house. Not only that but the fucking door is full sized! I mean I literally could not hear the gentleman in the next stall shitting. Usually you hear some type of sound coming from next to you, but here, you hear nothing but flushing toilets. I didn’t even hear him walking out of the stall. It was like a room, within a room. That alone is worth the price of admission (which is free by the way). Now the convenience of where the hotel is located is also something to take into effect. It is diagonal to the State Street MBTA Station. You are hustling and bustling in Downtown, and you need to lay down some loud stinky ass-burgers, you will want to go to this fucking bathroom. You can grunt as loud as your little heart desires, and nobody will really hear you. There is something to be said about that. Not only that, but the bathroom is clean too. I didn’t notice anything out of place here to be honest. I know I didn’t touch on it in the initial review, but it was actually so clean, I didn’t even record it in my notes. It was like all of the comforts of home, but I was in Downtown Boston, taking a grumpy, and I wasn’t being bothered by anything. So there you have it kids, if you want to go to this truly secret poo-spot, than I would highly recommend going to the Ames Hotel Boston. Until next time folks, keep your toilet paper cushy and your seat warm.

 

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