Massachusetts: The Bathroom Behind The Long Wharf Marriott Hotel

So when you think of the Marriott Long Wharf, you think of that long brick building right outside of the New England Aquarium. You see yuppies lined up outside in the summer drinking expensive cocktails on the patio, and I am sure you say to yourself,
“those bathrooms at the Marriott Long Wharf, must be pretty good”. Well you aren’t exactly wrong, but that isn’t what we are going to go today. Not inside of the building at least. In tried and true methods I have gone into a lot of hotels. Mostly because they don’t give you shit for taking a shit in their bathrooms, and they are usually pretty nice. But, true to the namesake of this website, did you know that there is a secret bathroom accessible from the outside of the hotel? Well if you did congrats, maybe you should be a writer here. But, chances are you have no idea what I am talking about so let me clarify our next location. We are going to be shitting at the bathroom in the back of the Marriott Long Wharf Hotel.

Yeah that is kind of a mouthful to say. What peeked my interest is when I went to the Starbucks located on the lower level of the hotel, and a sign read; “public restrooms located behind the Starbucks”. So I looked behind the Starbuck, and it just leads you outside. Now there is one of those Boston Public Pay Toilets which are a quarter to use, but I didn’t think that was what the sign meant. After further inspection when you’re looking at the backside of the hotel, there is a very tiny hallway near the right side entrance. I looked in there expecting to find a maintenance room, but instead I found the next location!

Upon first walking in I noticed how “wet” the floor looked. Now someone didn’t overflow a toilet, it was just the light reflecting off of the weird brown color paint they used to decorate the room. I actually thought someone had flooded the bathroom. But it was nothing more than a mere optical illusion. There was a surprisingly high number of stalls in this facility. There were four in total, and one of them was a handicap stall. Well you know which one I am walking into…

      So I walked into the stall and I sat down and I was letting the coffee do its’ thing to my stomach. There were wads of toilet paper strewn across the floor. Nothing too out of the ordinary. The place also smelt entirely off pee, which was to be expected. I also had to flush the toilet because somebody decided that they didn’t want to do that after they left. So yeah everything seemed on the up-and-up so far.

The bathroom was more utilitarian, than luxury. Usually the bathrooms at Marriott Hotels are really nice and upscale. Usually they have some minor tweeks to the design and aesthetics but overall they seem to follow the same design pattern. This bathroom seemed to be more akin of a public terminal restroom, than that of a better-than-average hotel chain. The walls were an odd shade of yellow-brown and stone. The floor as we discussed above was brown. It has to be one of the uglier bathrooms I have seen. It was like they used whatever they had left-over from the hotel.

The stall itself was roomy, and sprawled the full length of the back side walls’ width. The downside was that there were no coat hooks. So I was forced to put my bag on the wet-looking floor (which it wasn’t) and I had to shit with my coat on. I will say that I don’t know too many people who would enjoy the prospect of shitting in a coat.

As I sat there shitting my morning shit, I noticed that this bathroom was really busy. There seemed to be people coming in there by the three’s. Some taking dumps, others just peeing and leaving. Me, I seemed to be in there for the long haul. My shit wasn’t exactly bad, it was just taking longer than I thought it would. It isn’t exactly the end of the world if I take a longer-than-expected shit, but now I am just rambling.

I seemed to be nearing the end of my boom-boom and I went to inspect the toilet paper. Rather I would have, had there been fucking toilet paper in there! Yeah I sat there in disbelief for a good two minutes rolling the empty cardboard tube around on the rod hoping that I might find some toilet paper scraps on the empty tube. After my minor heart attack, I knew I had to calm myself down. Going out of the stall with my pants around my ankles wasn’t an option in a busy bathroom like this. I contemplated yelling for help, or to have some guys be on the lookout so I can transfer myself into the adjacent stall. With all of those thoughts running through my head I somehow found my center and calmed myself down and started to rationally think. I felt underneath the TP dispenser with close attention to any buttons or anything else of the sort, and I finally hit jackpot! I felt a small little ledge in the center of the TP holder. I moved my hand forward to find that the thing slid to the other side and revealed a fresh new roll of toilet paper!

        This two ply was a gift to me from the shitting Gods! Except it really wasn’t. It was an awful paper-thin two ply toilet paper that neither bunched up correctly, came out in the appropriate amounts without ripping, or folded up nicely to wipe your ass. This toilet paper was like a Trojan horse of sorts from the bathrooms Gods. I felt so betrayed by them. I had to sit here with what seemed like an endless stream of toilet paper wiping my ass to death. When I tell you with each passing wipe I could feel my ass getting raw. It did the job, but it wouldn’t be my first choice in a TP draft.

With all of that nonsense behind me, I flushed my poo down the tubes, and I headed to the sink to wash my hands. The water was automatic and the soap was manual. There was also a better than average air dryer for your hands. There was no paper towel option, which I was kind of expecting. After what seemed like an impossible amount of time with the air dryer, I finished up and headed outside to the big bad world.

Now that you know about my pretty terrible experience using this bathroom, it is time for The Secret Shitter Review. Every category is based on a five-star rating system. Although you can probably see where this is going.

 

Number of stalls	4
Stall Comfort	3
Accessibility	2
Décor	1
Cleanliness	1
Busyness	3.5
Toilet Paper Quality	2
Total	2

I just can’t bring myself to give the Bathroom Behind the Long Wharf Marriott Hotel any more than 2 Stars. The floor is an awful brown, and it looks wet. It isn’t a very good thing when you can’t tell if someone pissed on the floor, or the light is reflecting off of it. To me, that isn’t really a good bathroom design. Notwithstanding the fact that I thought there was no toilet paper, and I literally almost had a fucking heart attack. The fact that there were so many people in the bathroom could have been a blessing, or a curse. I know if I heard some dude saying, “there is no toilet paper, I am moving to the next stall with my pants half-down”. I would laugh like a hyena and then I would say, “Thanks for the heads up”. Everything that I have just stated above are attributes which you do not want your bathroom to be accredited with. So given all that I said, this really isn’t a bathroom you should seek out and go into. I would try for the classier bathrooms of the second floor at the Long Wharf Marriott Hotel, but that us just me.  However, if you are in a rush and feel like gambling on toilet paper being in the restroom, then this is certainly the bathroom for you! I would only recommend this bathroom to the most extreme of bathroom enthusiasts. So if that sort of thing floats your boat, then come on down to the Bathroom Behind the Long Wharf Marriott Hotel! If you’re not that type of person, then stay the fuck away.

 

Yup it is that shameless plug time. I am in the middle of writing The Secret Shitter’s Guide to New England. I am also going to include all of my Boston Bathrooms in the: Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 2: Electric Poogaloo. Know that the first book, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 1 is already on Amazon, and you can get it with FREE prime shitting, I mean Shipping! Not only that, but rest assured that none of that money actually goes to me, I use it to fund my trips to other cities, and to keep up with the website, and all of that cost. So until next time, like us on Facebook, and follow me on twitter, where I just mostly troll people, and we will catch you back here Friday for our first look at Providence! See you then.

This Week on The Secret Shitter…

There are going to be some amazing changes coming to this website very soon, and I would like to take some time to outline them below. I have been working on the website, and trying to find one of these WordPress themes that match my vision for the website. Although I am almost there, I can assure you this will not be the final form of the website. Things like this take money and time so that is why they have been slowly rolled out over a long period of time. I am working on some super-secret cool shit (no pun intended) and I am intending on rolling it out in the very near future.

OK so content is king with sites like this, and we are coming up on some hum-dingers. Every Wednesday we will be showcasing a toilet from Massachusetts, and on Fridays we will be showcasing a toilet from our trip to Providence Rhode Island. The Rhode Island toilet showcase should last eight weeks. So what about Monday you ask? Well I got a little surprise in store for you. If you want to know tune into our twitter on Thursday afternoon. Oh you don’t know what the twitter handle is? Well it is @Secret_Shitter. So tune into that to find out what the big deal is.

So there you have it, if you are like me and like to see lists, then look no further than below for our content schedule:

• Monday: Content Schedule (You’re reading the post now)
• Wednesday: Massachusetts – The Bathroom Behind the Long Wharf Marriott Hotel
• Thursday: Twitter – @Secret_Shitter to find out the big surprise.
• Friday: #RIFriday – Providence, Rhode Island – Brown University.

 

So there you have it, the only day this week that you won’t be getting any Secret Shitter action is on Tuesday. So hopefully I see some of you on twitter Thursday, and Please do me a favor and share the posts with friends who are in Rhode Island and Massachusetts. I can only do so much; it is really you guys who are the drivers of the Secret Shitter.

Another thing I would like to point out while I have your attention. I have every full intention of releasing a second book. I thought maybe I would go a little out of my comfort zone and not just include Boston on it. So the next book, which will take a little longer to come out, will be centered around the six states that make up New England. Yup, I will be releasing The Secret Shitter’s Guide to New England probably sometime in the late fall.

Any help that anyone wants to throw my way I would greatly appreciate it. I am not talking about just monetary help either. Sharing content is a way of helping. That is the biggest help I need right now. Along with possibly someone helping me reach out to some travel and hotel companies to help ease the burden of the actual traveling part. Right now the reason why I am centered on New England is that I can make day trips out of going to all six states. So maybe that is something to look into.

Either way, I would first and foremost like to thank you for being the driving force behind The Secret Shitter. This is totally an awesome ride, and I can only assure you that things are going to go up from here. So thank you again for reading, and stay tuned for our post this coming Wednesday from The Bathroom Behind the Long Wharf Marriott Hotel.

Next Stop: Providence, Rhode Island!

Man oh, man are we excited! Over the course of the next eight weeks we are going to bring you to the lovely little city of Providence Rhode Island. You read that right, every #RI_Friday will bring you to a different hidden, or not so hidden spot around the birthplace of Lovecraft. Some highlights to come will be: Brown University, Providence Place Mall, and The Rhode Island State House! So strap yourselves in and come take a tour of Providence with The Secret Shitter! Starts in one week from today!

The Hilton Boston Downtown/Faneuil Hall Hotel

I have ridden my bike by our next location many times. Usually I was in a rush to catch the last train, so I was never fully able to go and take a dump at the place. After being turned away at the Boston Harbor Hotel, I did have a backup plan, which is our next location, The Hilton Boston Downtown/Faneuil Hall Hotel.

The hotel is located a block from the Faneuil Hall area of Boston. It is located on the street behind the Custom House Marriott Hotel. The hotel is also located around those douchebag row of bars which the custom house is located near. The Hilton Boston Downtown/Faneuil Hall is more tucked out of the way, around what seemed to be office buildings. This spot makes it a perfect place to try to sneak in a poo.

OK so there are two entrances to the Hotel. The one that will be the most beneficial to you will be the Broad Street entrance. There are bellhops standing outside waiting to take bags from people, and open door for you. Just go in through this entrance and you are not too far away from the bathroom.

When you get into the door you will see a conference room on your right and a little alcove area that has a tucked-away hallway on your right. Head towards the tucked away hallway and you will find the men’s room directly ahead of you. When I went in there I didn’t know where the bathroom was so I had to go to the front desk all the way on the other side of the lobby to ask, only to find out I walked past it when I first got into the joint. You don’t have to make the same mistakes I did.

           The bathroom itself is pretty impressive. You are first greeted by a weird abstract framed painting, and then around the corner from that the entire bathroom opens up. On your left side you will see the urinals are tucked away on a slanted wall which adds to the privacy of the urinals. There are only two stalls in this location, and for the first time in a while I opted to not go into the handicap stall.

The stalls themselves are narrow and cozy. They have a full-sized shutter-style door which will give you total privacy. Although the stalls themselves are not very wide, they are longer than most stalls I have gone into. There are also two coat hooks located on the door itself. One of the coat hooks is at the very top of the door, which I could not reach. One would need to be about six feet tall to even have a chance of reaching it. The other coat hook is about three-quarters of the way down the door. I thought it was a little too low for my liking, and the straps on my bag were touching the floor. The place was quite clean, so I didn’t really mind that the straps were touching the ground, but if this had been in a dirtier place, this would have been a giant problem.

Now I was all settled into my seat and ready to unload the vast anal weaponry unto the bowl below, I had a chance to take a close look at the décor of the establishment. The floors were a white marble with beige speckled around inside the tile as well. The baseboard was a really nice black and white marble. The walls on the other hand, were a little harder to identify, so I will do my best to try to liken them to words. The walls were various shades of grey. The variation wasn’t too far off from the deep grey base-color, but there was still some variety to it. The wall was also textured. It kind of jetted out horizontally, like someone took a thicker piece of the material and cut smaller horizontal slits into it. I hope that makes some sense to you, but if it doesn’t I did take a picture of the wall in an attempt to illustrate my point.

When I was shitting and trying to examine the wall I noticed that the toilet seat came kind of loose when I turned to my right. I got up and moved the seat left-to-right, to make sure that the seat was in fact loose, which is was upon further inspection. It isn’t exactly a deal-breaker for me, but it is a little upsetting that you have such a nice bathroom and the toilet seat is loose. I am not a big guy, so my weight isn’t exactly going to start breaking toilet seats, but if you are a tad huskier than myself, you might be in for a surprise when you go to drop a shit off here.

Now over the course of my shit I noticed that the bathroom wasn’t really all that busy. There were about two or three people who came in to take a piss or wash their hands, but because I was behind the door I couldn’t really observe anyone. It was still 2PM on a very unseasonably warm day in Boston in March which should be a good indicator of how busy the bathroom normally is.

     As my time shitting at the Hilton was coming to an end. I focused my attention on the toilet paper. It was a rough textured two ply, which I thought would be great for my ass. This paper gave an essence of being soft and comforting on your butthole, but was average at best. It didn’t feel soft, nor supple and it did a little bit of damage to my anus. I felt bamboozled by the Hilton and its’ awful toilet paper. Not to mention that when I got up to examine the effectiveness of the automated flusher, I found it did not take down any of the offerings that I was giving it. I have to push the little button to engage the flush feature. Why have an automated flusher, if it doesn’t work?

I went over to wash my hands and get the hell out of there. I had an eye appointment in about ten minutes two blocks away and I needed to wash my hands and get out of there. They had a manual sink, and automated soap dispenser. However, the soap dispenser was on a terrible time delay. I held my hand under there for a good five to seven seconds, and nothing came out. Soap only came out as I went over to the other sink. Then that soap dispenser also had the same awful time delay. I had to jump to the third sink, only to have the second soap dispenser shoot soap out after I had gone to the third sink. It was like I was playing a really shitty Whack-A-Mole game with soap. Thank goodness no one was in there at the time to see this shit show go down.

So now that you know of my pooping exploits, let’s turn the attention to The Secret Shitter’s Review. Remember these are all out of a possible five stars.

Accessibility: 2

Décor: 4

Number of Stalls: 2

Stall Comfort: 3.5

Cleanliness: 4

Toilet Paper Quality: 2

Busyness: 2

 

Overall Rating: 3.5

 

I’ll give the Hilton Boston Downtown/Faneuil Hall a solid 3.5 Star rating. The bathroom isn’t awful but there are some problems which is holding back the bathroom from achieving a higher rating. It would have easily gone a point higher had all the batteries been changed on the automated systems. The toilet paper quality would have effectively blocked this bathroom from achieving a full five stars anyways. But those are all easy fixes and I wonder how often maintenance checks the batteries on the automated items in the bathroom. I know that a light will flash red if the battery is too low, but none of these things had the flashing red light, so I do not know what to make of it. I have no idea how the delay is set on those fucking soap dispensers. I wonder if it is just a factory thing, in which case I might need to write an angry email to the company. See most people don’t know that poor performance of these automated bathroom fixtures come from a low battery. So the unit is trying to conserve energy while still trying to perform its’ duties. Outside of the problems I stated above, the bathroom really wasn’t that bad. I love shutter-style doors, and I love full-length stall doors. I think it adds to the privacy and creates a sense of “being home” without actually being at home. So if you can get your shit together Hilton Boston Downtown/Faneuil Hall I will revise this rating, but until then, you are stuck at only 3 Stars.

OK so you know about our first book, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 1, but did you know we are coming out with a sequel? That’s right, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 2: Electric Poogaloo will be done sometime by mid-summer. I am actually hoping to have it done a little before then, but we will see.
You know something else? I could really use some help on this site. I am in need of people willing to help out with such things as; Website Design/Development, Graphic Design, Marketing/Social Media. If you are interested in doing any of the above, contact me Secret.Shitter617@gmail.com and just put the title in the subject line, and I will respond as fast as I can. Thanks again for reading and see you guys next week.

 

 

Alewife MBTA Station

This whole trip to the bathroom was a nightmare. I wanted to spotlight a city which the readers genuinely seemed to want to read about, and I ran into nothing but horrid luck. At least this is one of the furthest bathrooms away from where I am, so I do not have to go all the way back there. A review with this much bad luck means that things can only go up from here. You were wondering where we are going to shit today? We are shitting at the Alewife MBTA station in Cambridge.

I should have known that this bathroom would have been a terrible shit show. First off it was in the train station. Secondly it was right around rush hour. You can probably see where the theme of this review is going, and if you guessed straight down the shitter, then you would be right.

So let us start this tale off by saying that the bathroom itself is pretty centrally located. There is also appropriate signage in the train station to point to where the bathroom is. If you are not aware of the bathroom’s location, it is right across the way from the Dunkin Donuts in the main concourse. It is also located right before the set of stairs which takes you to the bus terminal part of the station.

According to the MBTA’s Ridership and Service Statistics (Rev. July 5^th 2015), there is a daily weekday average of 11,221 passengers which goes through that station*. So you can imagine how busy this fucking bathroom is. Going to take a butt blast at six PM on a weeknight is probably not the best time to be a sneaky Secret Shitter.

So before I go any further I do want to apologize to the readers for one of the pictures. It depicts a stall that has previously used urine in it. Normally I wouldn’t post such a thing, but I was in a hurry and this was the only picture I could snap of the entire stall itself. So I hope you will accept my apologies.

       Now back to the task at hand. I walked into this bathroom with dread in the first place. Coming into the bathroom there are two urinals, and one single, solitary stall dead ahead of you. I went into the handicap sized stall and shut the door behind me, but something seemed out-of-place. I noticed how effortlessly the door just shut. Usually what will happen is the door with have a bit of resistance to it when fully closing the door due to the internal locking mechanism. Sometimes the door is coming off from its’ hinges, or the door is improperly cut, which can add to the shutting resistance as well. Either way I wish something like that would have happened because as I closed the door behind me, there was no way to lock the stall door. I tried looking for a rope, a chain, and a cord, only to find absolutely nothing. So now faced with this dilemma, do I shit, or not?

Being the great journalist that I am, I decided that I was going to go for it. I sat down trying to make this the quickest shit in all of mankind’s history. However, my asshole would have other plans. It felt like an endless row of Play Doh coming out of my asshole. It was just one long demon-like log coming from my innards on outwards. In the midst of all of this, I am trying to furiously type my notes, only to have some dude just waltz right into the fucking stall with me. He had a light blue tee-shirt on, a nice crew cut haircut, and a deer in the headlights kind of look in his eyes. We made eye contact, and he just slowly backed out of the stall. After a few seconds I realize he didn’t shut the fucking door for me. So I called to him again, and asked him if he could “shut the fucking door so I can shit please”. He had to again, step into the stall and grab the door and walk right out again to shut it.

I cannot even begin to tell you how awful this bathroom is. And we have not even got to the funnier aspects of this bathroom yet. I went to grab what was clearly a cheap over-sized one ply toilet paper and begin the dreadful task of wiping my ass when something else caught me off guard. The toilet paper roll was held to the stall railing by a fucking chain! Yup you read that right, the Toilet Paper holder in this bathroom was a chain. I can see why you would want to lock your Charmin Ultra Soft toilet paper to the public bathroom, but not this Georgia-Pacific industrial sized one ply. I think the MBTA should reimburse me for the Tucks wipes I had to buy after this toilet paper ripped my asshole apart.

Well that was only half the adventure folks. Did I forget to mention how terrible the smell was in the bathroom? No you say? Well let me tell you something buddy, if you want to smell what 11,000 plus people’s piss is like, just walk on in here. This bathroom had either water or piss everywhere on the floor. There were also no places to hang your bag, and the décor looks like it hasn’t been updated since it opened in 1985**.

A classy joint such as this would have no need for an automatic flusher. Nor would they need soap. Yeah that is the other thing, the soap dispenser was clearly taken down at one time, and just never replaced. 11,000 people don’t need to wash their hands, and men clearly only wash their hands when they know they are going to get called out on it if they don’t, so why bother? And if you think the air dryer is in working order after you got duped into washing your soap less hands, guess what? You’re wrong again buddy.

I just can’t even right now after taking that horrific shit. So let’s just get to The Secret Shitter Review. Remember it is out of Five Stars, but I highly doubt we will need more than two. But let’s go shall we?

Number of Stalls: 1

Stall Comfort: 0

Accessibility: 2

Cleanliness: 0

Décor: 0

Toilet Paper Quality: 0

Busyness: 5

 

Overall Rating: 0

Oh would you look at that? We have a contender for the Worst Toilet of the Year Award at this year’s Top Toilet Awards. Let’s see where do I begin? Instead of highlighting things that are bad about the bathroom, I will give the MBTA some advice instead. Let’s start with the obvious, how about installing a fucking lock on the door? Hell it doesn’t even have to be a good lock, you clearly have half of one already, just go down to the fucking hardware store and get the other half and pay someone like two bucks to install the damn thing. Number two, why don’t we put in a soap dispenser. For seventeen bucks you can go and buy a wall mounted soap dispenser on amazon. You know what else will save you money? You can even go down to the dollar store and get cheap soap refill bottles for a buck. So for $20 USD I just solved two of the biggest problems you have with the bathroom. Maybe you should consider updating the tacky white walls, and grey floors. Actually scratch that. Let’s just tell one of the maintenance workers to actually go into the bathroom and clean it more than once a day. How about you call the number on the air dryer and see who services them. I am sure it isn’t that much money, but if you wanted to you could spend another $33 USD on amazon and get a wall mounted Georgia-Pacific paper towel dispenser. It even comes with paper towels. You’re welcome MBTA for all the advice, thank you for being the worst shitter in the city. You have even stooped lower than North Station, and I have no idea how that is even fucking possible. Well good luck with cutting the late night service as well, clearly the extra revenue wasn’t going towards anything good anyways.

Update (3/12/16):

The T has responded to some of my issues with the bathroom. This isn’t the first time I have spoke to the T via twitter, whoever writes for them is very responsive and gets things done. See Below.

@Secret_Shitter Hello. Thanks for the report. We have sent this to our maintenance team and will have this fixed asap.

— MBTA (@MBTA) March 11, 2016

 

I am here working for you, the people. I hope you enjoy your new locking shitter, and I will follow up the the MBTA to make sure it happens.

 

Do you like what you just read? Want to read some more? How about buying our first book, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 1? It comes with free prime shipping. While we are at it, we are going be starting The Secret Shitter’s Guide to New England. Where I am going to go all through the New England States and just take dumps and write about them.

 

Follow us on the social media, and tweet @MBTA to tell them how disgraceful their Alewife Shitter is.

 

* “Ridership and Service Statistics” (PDF) (14 ed.).Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority. 2014. Retrieved 5 July 2015.

** https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alewife_(MBTA_station)#cite_note-bluebook-2

Wendy’s – Revere MA

Where’s the beef? Is the iconic catch phrase from our latest location, The Wendy’s in Revere, Massachusetts. Wendy’s was founded in 1969 by Dave Thomas. As of 2015 the fast-food chain boasted 6487 locations worldwide*. However, I sincerely think that you are not interested in the history and background of the restaurant. I am more than sure that you are interested in the shit I took at the location.

Well normally we don’t review bathrooms which you have to buy anything. This bathroom is no exception, but I would urge you to proceed with caution if you want to use it. I really don’t think any of the workers care enough if you use the bathroom without purchasing something first. This could be speculation, but I did not buy anything when I used this restroom. I could be an anomaly, but I highly doubt it.

OK so you do not want to get caught attempting to use the bathroom? Maybe you are low on cash and you do not have the spare dollar and four cents to buy a hamburger to use the restroom? That is fine, I am going to tell you how to get in and get out without being noticed. There are two entrances to the restaurant. One of the entrances faces the Dollar Tree store, and the other entrance is closest to the Stop and Shop. Go into the entrance nearest the Dollar Tree store, this is the back entrance, and is not located in view of the cash register. In fact, you would be entering through the dining room part of the restaurant, so the only people who would see you are the customers who are eating, and so long as you do not look homeless, I am sure no one is going to say anything. So you walk in through the back door, and immediately on your right hand side will be the door for the restroom, congrats, you have just now snuck into the Wendy’s bathroom! But what awaits you next you say?

Well there is one stall located in this bathroom. There is also a urinal for your peeing pleasure to boot, should you not have to take a shit. The first thing you will notice is that for a fast food restaurant, this bathroom is superbly clean. I do not think there is too much foot traffic going inside to sit down and eat. This location does a killing in drive through business, so that is a plus for all of you secret shitters out there.

The décor of the place seemed outdated. When you look at places such as the Walmart in Lynn, which is about on the same level as this restaurant in terms of demographics, this bathroom does not hold up in our impression of the décor. The floors are pinkish and green, with an off-white colored wall. It really is not pleasing to the eye. I personally do not like it. I almost feel like you have stepped into a time warp, and it is not the good kind of time warp.

As far as my shit went, it was quite slippery and reminiscent of a back-door piss instead of a solid shit. I truly feel bad for the poor sap that had to use it after me. I really was not feeling too hot that particular day, and my shit just proved my suspicions that I was sick. The stench actually gave me a headache, and I had to go to the register and ask for water after I was done because I felt so dehydrated.

     Ok so enough about my sick-shits. This bathroom as you would suspect had some of the worst toilet paper I have used in quite some time. It was in fact a two ply toilet paper, which I had to double check to make sure. It felt brittle and it did not roll up, or bunch up very well. I feel like I would have been better off using some of there to-go bags as toilet paper. At least I would have known how shitty the bag was to use, and I probably would have been better off.

So as you may suspect the bathroom had manual everything. The toilet flusher, the sinks, and the soap dispensers all were manual. Now I have kind of gotten away from going into detail about the handwashing experience, mostly because it is kind of drab to be honest. If something does not stand out to me I will usually just say it was automatic, or manual and just go about writing my review. With that in mind, you needed to have the strength of a thousand gorillas to be able to get any soap out of that damn dispenser. I know I said it was old, but my God that thing was beyond ancient. I am sure President Grant must have used this thing, it seemed that old. The amount of soap that actually came out of it is laughable. It took me at least four pumps to get enough soap on my hands to feel comfortable enough to wash the poo-water off of my hands. The other thing that got me was the equally old air dryer installed in this place. I do not think the place is that old, so how in the hell did they get such an old air-dryer? It is a “World Dryer” brand air-dryer. It is like the owner went to the Salvation Army and found a used air dryer on clearance. Get a fucking Dyson and be done with it you cheap prick…

OK so that is that. I came, I shat, I left. Really there was nothing more to it than that. So now that you know about my shit, let us get into The Secret Shitter Review. All of these categories are out of a possible five stars, so let the games begin…

Number of Stalls: 1

Stall Comfort: 3

Accessibility: 3

Cleanliness: 4.5

Décor: 2

Toilet Paper Quality: 1

Busyness: 1

 

Overall Rating: 2

A number two rating on taking a number two at the Wendy’s in Revere. The numbers and math do not lie. The toilet paper sucked, and the décor sucked. This bathroom is so clean because nobody outside of myself is dumb enough to use it. The food is debatable but this is not a place to review food, this is a place to review bathrooms. Now I do have a love for the chicken nuggets there, especially the spicy ones. That is not the point however. If you go into one of these establishments, chances are you are going to have to shit right after eating the food. This happens with me all the time. As soon as it goes in, it goes right out. It is not the worst bathroom in the complex, but it is not the best either. There are other options which favor your asshole more than Wendy’s. If you are in a pinch, but cannot make the short run across the parking lot, then I guess this is a place to shit.

So now I am gearing up for our new book: The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Volume 2: Electric Poogaloo, I would like to thank all the people who purchased our first book! If you have not already done so, go to amazon and type in- The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 1. Buy the book. I am looking to expand upon the state of Massachusetts, and you can help bring The Secret Shitter to a different part of New England! All sales from the books go directly into funding me to go someplace else. If you are in the town of Winthrop, Massachusetts then you can go down to the Winthrop Book Depot and purchase our book from that retailer! Plus, you can get some kick-ass coffee while you are there. You will also be supporting local business to boot. So just go down there and buy the book! Supplies are limited down there, so go before someone else does and buy our stuff!

 

 

Christmas Tree Shop – Assembly Row

Don’t you just, love the shitter? No that wasn’t a rhetorical question, that was me shamelessly trying to fit in my website to the jingle of our next location; The Christmas Tree Shop in Assembly Row. Now I am no stranger to the Assembly Row Marketplace, which is located in Somerville Massachusetts. I am trying to go for covering every bathroom in the entire area, and I think I am almost done. That isn’t really important right now. What is important is that we go and investigate another pooper.

So what exactly is The Christmas Tree Shops? Well it is a subsidiary of the Bed, Bath, and Beyond chain. It is a bargains and closeout type store serving the east coast. It has eighty-three locations, and its’ headquarters are located in Yarmouth Port, Massachusetts*. At one point in my life I used to spend the summers down in Yarmouth Port with my Aunt Christine and Uncle Todd. It is your atypical Cape Cod small town. Little cottages, and surrounded by the ocean. It is a wonderful place to stay in the summer, but awful in the winter.

Ok so I kind of got off track there. I didn’t actually go to the headquarters; I went to one of the outlets located in Somerville. The store itself is really cool. I enjoy going in there and getting rooster-themed items for my kitchen, and I really don’t have to spend a whole lot of money to do so. But this isn’t about kitchens, this is about shitters. I felt the effects of my Iced Coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts percolate in my tummy while I was perusing the aisles, so I decided that I would seek out a place to lay down some of my own brown bargains.

The bathroom here is sort of hard to find. It is in the back of the store next to the kitchen stuff. There is a large sign that says; “Bathroom” so it is perfectly a-ok to go drop a duce in here. No purchase needed to use the bathroom, you just need to find it. OK so when you find the sign, there is a small hallway, and both restrooms are located on the right hand side.

When you walk into the restroom is rather large. It was larger than I was expecting with two stalls and two urinals located inside. One stall was normal sized, and the other was a handicap one. I shouldn’t need to say which one I used, because if you haven’t figured it out yet, I used the handicap stall.

Now the stall itself was large. It was rectangular in shape, and was the length of the entire back wall. I enjoyed the actual size of the stall itself. However, there was no coat hook to hang up my bag and jacket. But located in the handicap stall was a baby changing station. That is kind of smart to be honest. Most baby changing stations are located outside of stalls in full public view. I don’t think I have ever encountered anyone actually using one before, but I would imagine that I would want a little privacy when it comes to that. So after inspecting the station for any poo-remnants, I laid my jacket and bag on it. Sometimes you have to improvise.

Ok so I went and I unleashed a cascade of my aerial anal assault and I noticed how dirty the bathroom itself was. There was more than your typical amount of toilet paper scattered about the bathroom. It was like someone took a quarter of the roll and just threw it all over the place. What was even more concerning to me was it looked like someone tried to take out one of those toilet seat cover things, and try to stuff it back into the box. Not only that but there was a wet floor sign inside of the bathroom which indicated to me that an employee went in to clean it, and didn’t bother cleaning up the toilet paper scattered all over the ground. There could have just been some asshole who decided to wreck the place after the dude cleaned it too, but I guess we will never know.

    OK so as I was sitting there shitting, I will say this bathroom is busy, and loud. There were a total of four people who walked in there. One of which had a child who wouldn’t shut the fuck up. It was a little girl from what I could gather and all she was babbling about was some stupid toy she wanted. The guy literally couldn’t get a word in edge-wise, except for the “be quiet please”. However, yours truly stunted her stammering with my anal assault, then they realized that they were not alone. The girl kept saying things like “daddy that is gross” and “oh my god daddy what is that smell”. I sat there kind of giggling to myself as the little girl was saying that, and before I knew it, they were gone from the bathroom.

Ok so the décor of the place was a little weird, and not in the good way. They had these olive colored tiled walls with white accent tiles, and they had a grey floor. To be honest the color scheme made the bathroom feel kind of dank and smaller than it actually was. The whole room itself felt like it was so claustrophobic. I really didn’t like it at all.

After my shit was complete I had the duty to wipe my ass. Unfortunately for me, this bathroom had that really cheap two ply, sandpaper-like toilet paper. The kind that rips my asshole to shreds. I shudder when I think of such shitty toilet paper. I know it is a closeout store, but they can’t get any better toilet paper?

Well the kind of cool thing was there were plungers in each stall. I guess when you are selling them for $2.99 you can afford to go and leave them in your bathrooms. I would do the same if I ever had a public toilet, only I would make a sign saying it was the customer’s duty to clean their duty. I should be an advertising agent or something like that.

So after using the manual flusher, sink, and soap I went to leave the bathroom when something in the top corner caught my eye. There seemed to be two motion sensor type air freshener dispensers. Both of which were not working because even at the entrance at the other end of the bathroom I could still smell my beefy dook like it was still coming out of my asshole.

Ok so now you know all about that bathroom, so why don’t we get into The Secret Shitter’s Review. Now remember that all of these categories are out of a possible five. Let’s begin shall we?

 

Number of Stalls: 2

Stall Comfort: 3

Accessibility: 2

Cleanliness: 2

Décor: 2

Toilet Paper Quality: 2

Busyness: 4

 

Overall Rating: 2

So the Christmas Tree Shop scored a two out of a possible five when it came to our ratings. It wasn’t very clean. It also wasn’t very accessible, which was good. However, the bargain basement toilet paper is something that really sank this ship. Not only that but it was fucking busy in there, and that little girl wouldn’t shut the fuck up and let me (or her dad) shit in peace. I liked the idea of what they were trying to do with the décor in this bathroom, but it really wasn’t working. I give them an A+ for thinking outside of the box with their color scheme, but really it isn’t doing the bathrooms any favors. The stall was roomy, but what good is that if there is no place to hang your jacket? Had there been baby shit on that changing station I would have been shit out of luck and had to place my coat and bag on the ground, which was wet, and had fucking wads of toilet paper all over it. Also who the hell decides that they don’t want the paper toilet seat cover? And why wouldn’t you just throw the fucking thing out? Why did you have to attempt to stuff it back into the box? We all know that things don’t go back into the box like it came out, so unless you are some sort of bathroom wizard, don’t fucking do it. Just throw the god damn thing out. If you are shopping in the store and need a place to shit, this is a bathroom. I would advise you to use the one in the parking garage, but if you can’t hold it, this one will just have to do, but do not think that you are going to get any five star accommodations here. Until next time, Peace.

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

OK so you read the review, and bought the book, so now what? Why don’t you share the site with your friends and you guys can laugh together at my misfortune of using terrible bathrooms? You can do that by sharing each post, in face there is probably a share button below this writing. You literally just have to press the button. I don’t care if it is on Tumblr, Twitter, Grider, or Facebook, just help me spread the word. Thanks again for reading and see you next week.

 

*Information about Christmas Tree Shops and Corporate Headquarters came from Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas_Tree_Shops

Walmart – Lynn

Walmart is one of the quintessential awful places in America. It is the evil big-box retailer that put everyone out of business, offering cheap crap for cheap. Since you can barely find an associate to help you when you need it, I decided that I would make my first venture into the true North Shore of Massachusetts here at the Walmart on the Lynn-way.

This is kind of a two-fold post, I get to review a bathroom in Lynn, and I get to review a Walmart bathroom. To be honest I really didn’t have high hopes going into it, but as you will see, it is surprisingly nice. I will say as a side note that there are no bike racks anywhere outside of this Walmart. So after struggling to find a place to secure my bike, I wandered into the retail super-store to begin my adventure.

Upon first walking into the store you are greeted with a giant sign that says “bathrooms”. The lavatories are literally located on your left after the photo booth, down the hall from the self-service Tax machines. Why on earth do they have self-service tax machines is beyond me, but I guess that is a different post for a different blog.

So I opened the door and actually stood there in amazement at what I saw. The bathroom was really gorgeous! There were a three bay sink that had this “S” like curve to it. Very swanky looking colors as well. It was a brown tones with kind of an upscale rustic feel to it.  There are all sorts of things in this bathroom which caught my eye, there was a baby changing station, multiple ways to dry your hands, and then a mystery box that said “$1.00” on it. We will dive deep into the contents of the mystery box later on.

           So I am impressed thus far with this shitter. There were three urinals, and two stall to use, one of which was handicapped. I made my way over into the handicap stall and I was surprised to see that there was another one of those baby car seat things in the wall. I wish I had a junior of my own to strap in a watch daddy’s anus explode in an animal-like fury onto the calm waters of this toilet, but I don’t so I will just have to sit here and think about things like that giggling to myself.

Now let’s get down to some brown business shall we? One thing I will say about this stall is that there really are no coat hooks for me to hang my jacket and bag up on. I ended up going freestyle and opening up the toddler car seat thing and used that, but really that isn’t an excuse for not having one. So I went on to do the dirty brown jug dance, and sat there in blissful meditation. Not one single person went in there. It was around seven o’clock on a Friday night too, so I know it isn’t exactly “peak” hours, but I can imagine families and working class people getting stuff done around that time.

The handicap stall was very spacious. I will say that there probably could have been one more shitter, but two will have to do, I reckon. So now I decided to give my full, undivided attention to the toilet paper and the qualities and properties pertaining to it. Upon first feel, it was two ply, and it was a cheaper quality. I figured as much, with this being Walmart and all, but when it kissed the beast incarnate known as my anus, it was surprisingly solid! It didn’t feel rough on the bum, it actually felt kind of soft! I don’t know what kind of bizarre world I entered, but I like it.

OK so the toilet was of the automatic flush variety, and inside of the stall there was a plunger, and a toilet brush. In case you felt like cleaning the toilet after an awful crap. But to this date I haven’t ever used a toilet brush which wasn’t my own, and nor do I intend to. The plunger use is debatable though, if I was at a friends’ house, I wouldn’t want poo water leaking all over the place. But at a Walmart? I could give two shits less. But it was not on this day that I needed to use it, so that is a positive for the establishment.

The S shaped sinks were automatic but the soap dispensers were manual. They offered two varieties to dry your hands, air dry, and paper towels. I would have opted for the paper towels, but there were none in stock at all. Walmart made my hand drying decision for me.

Now onto the mystery box which said “$1.00” on it. There is a coin slot and a little circular pull tab. It kind of reminded me of the old cigarette machines, if you can picture that style of handle you know exactly what I am talking about. Now I placed four quarters inside the box, and I pulled the tab anxious to see what would drop into the slot below. Would it be a condom, pills, or body spray? My eyes glasses over as I pulled the tab, only to find that nothing dropped out of it. Why the fuck would you put something like that in there, and not stock the fucking thing? Well instead of going to find a manager and blow my cover, I thought that it was best to just let the mystery lay dormant until I got home.

       On the following Monday night, my curiosity got the best of me, and I decided to call and figure out this mystery once and for all. Not only that, but I wouldn’t be doing my due diligence to you readers if I didn’t at least attempt to follow up. Now I have never had to inquire with a business before, so I debated with myself if I should just come out right, and say I am The Secret Shitter to the manager on the phone. I already have my pictures, and I have formed my opinion about the bathroom, so there is literally nothing they can do to stop me. I decided against using my fame to my advantage, but I had to come up with an alias, so I decided on the name; Rusty Shackleford. Here is the transcript from my conversation with Walmart of the Lynn-way, keep in mind a woman answered the phone:

Walmart (WM): Thank Yous for calling your neighborhood Walmart, how can I help you?

The Secret Shitter (TSS): Hi I had a question regarding your men’s room.

WM: OK sir, what can I help you with?

TSS: Well first I have to say that the bathroom is magnificent, but I lost a dollar putting it into your mystery box in there.

WM: Um OK…

TSS: Well I really do not care about the dollar, but I was wondering something, because my curiosity is getting the better of me. What exactly is supposed to be in there?

WM: Well sir I really don’t know; I don’t go into the ladies’ room.

TSS: OK so is there something like that inside of the woman’s room?

WM: Yes.

TSS: What is dispensed in that contraption?

WM: Tampons sir.

TSS: I take it they are not dispensing tampons in the men’s room right? I mean it would have been fine if a tampon came out, it is my own stupid fault for putting a dollar into an unmarked thing, I guess I could have given it away to someone.

WM: (Howling Laughing) Yes sir I guess you could have. However, I don’t think that we are dispensing tampons in the men’s room.

TSS: So you have zero idea as to what could be dispensed?

WM: No sir I do not, can I place you on hold?

TSS: Yes…

After coming back from the hold.

WM: Sir I have to go; you have a great day.

TSS: You too.

 

I was not satisfied with the above answer. I don’t think it would do you guys justice to if I just left it at that. I called back again the following Friday night, this time I taped the conversation. This is the conversation that I had with Gabriel, a Walmart associate:

 

 

So there you have it. It is still a fucking mystery as to what could be dispensed in the mystery dollar box inside of Walmart’s men’s bathroom. One day we all might find out, but it is not on this day. Instead of focusing on what we don’t know, let us bring our attention to what we do know. I guess it is time for The Secret Shitter’s Review. Remember that each category is based on a five-star system, so let’s begin.

 

Number of Stalls: 2

Stall Comfort: 3

Accessibility: 4

Cleanliness: 3

Décor: 4

Toilet Paper Quality: 3

Busyness: 1

 

Overall Rating: 3.5

 

Wow I was not expecting the Walmart in Lynn to have a 3.5-Star rating upon first deciding to go in there. I thought that it would be a dump for sure, and you guys would get a howl out of seeing me go into another awful bathroom. But that shocked even me that it was this nice! It has everything that you want. It is located right after the main entrance, so you don’t have to wade through people, and the store itself. It is shockingly clean besides the little bit of toilet paper, and paper toilets on the ground. There was an adequate amount of toilets to handle the heavy rushes, and the stalls were quite roomy. However, this bathroom would have easily been a point higher, had the paper towels been stocked. Also I can live without the advertising on the mystery dollar box, but I cannot forgive an employee not stocking that as well. I mean does Walmart not sell cheap enough condoms, or Tylenol? Why the fuck would you put something for sale in the bathroom and not stock it? Better yet, had I been broke and spent my last dollar trying to get lucky, and got clowned out of my money, I would have been fucking pissed. Not only would I not get to destroy any poo-nany-nany, but I would have been out my final dollar as well. All I have to say is FUCK YOU WALMART. Stock your fucking cheap-ass condom machine. Until then your bathroom will dwell in the average category. Even though the décor was fucking amazing, you will lie in purgatory until I find out what is in that machine.

 

(Editor Notes): I can deal with them not knowing what was in the fucking mystery box, but to be a blatant douche canoe, is unacceptable. I was legit trying to figure out what was in the mystery box, not trying to make your life harder asshole. You could have lied to me and said that there were condoms in there, and the conversation would have ended there. But no, you had to tell me there was a fucking Xbox in the dollar machine, or better yet, a coupon for a free Xbox. I know that “The Secret Shitter” sounds fake as fuck, but come on man, at least be a little professional. I wasn’t swearing, nor was I trying to make your life more difficult.

 

Like what you read? Well then tell someone about it. Reblog it, tumblr it, facebook it, or tweet it. Tell people about us, and we will keep on coming out with the good stuff. Until next time, Peace.

Rowes Wharf Ferry Terminal

            So today I decided that I would take a walk around the Aquarium area of Boston. When I got to the Aquarium I didn’t have to shit. I noticed a sign that said; “Boston Harbor walk” and I thought to myself, “I haven’t ever done that, why don’t I go and walk around there.” While walking around I could feel some earthly rumblings in my stomach, which was mother natures’ way of telling me we need to find a port to dock in. I am now a little way into the harbor walk when I came upon our next location, The Rowes Wharf Ferry Terminal.

            Now the terminal itself is located somewhere in Rows Wharf. It is actually difficult to explain where it is, so please bear with me. There are little walkways between the Imax Theatre and the Aquarium. You walk along the docks weaving between buildings, restaurants, and hotels. You will then see a few ships kind of just chilling there in the water (it is winter after all, and I don’t think they run as frequently, but you would have to check for more accurate information). There is lettering on the side of the building saying “Ferry Terminal” with a whole bunch of advertising. I thought, “great, this is exactly where I am going to go and take a shit. This is indeed secret.”

            Now being the nice guy that I am, I always like to ask people if I can shit in their establishment (this keeps my cover). When I walked into the Ferry Terminal, I saw three counters, with exactly zero employees. It was only a hunch that there might be a bathroom in here, so now I am stumped as to what to do. But lo and behold, I look up and pointing down a little hallway is a sign for the restroom. Now I should point out that when I walked down this hallway, on the right hand side was a door leading outside again. On the outside of the door was a sign that said; “Restrooms”. So I didn’t even need to walk into the ferry terminal to ask, I could have just walked into this door and used them. Well this is why I write, so you don’t make the same mistakes as I do.

            So I walked down another small hallway and I immediately go and survey the restroom. It is of a medium size, with one urinal, and one handicap stall. The overall inspection yields the results that this place is very clean, probably because nobody knows it’s there.

            The handicap stall is outfitted with a double coat hook. The hooks themselves are fairly tiny, but they are sturdy. They had more than enough size to hold my coat and bag. Now came the time to sit on the toilet and actually shit. I will say, not a single soul walked into this bathroom. About midway through my poop I actually thought I was trespassing to be honest. But then I remembered that there was a sign displayed to the public. This stall was a dream to shit in! it was large and roomy, more than enough room to feel comfortable. The toilet itself was in the corner, while the door was on the left hand side towards the opposite wall. I really like this stall setup. No one can peer through the little slits in the door to peep you while you poop. All they have is a locked door to look at.

            Now with all of that said, the décor of the place was abysmal. It was so generic, that the word generic, would call it generic. Small beige and white tiles lined the walls, while the same equally small tiles lined the floor, except they were grey in color. If you are looking for a designer shitter, this definitely isn’t it. This shitter has a very utilitarian feel. Again this is a ferry terminal after all.

            Now with my shit today being swift and mighty, it ended almost as quickly as it began. This place had a one toilet paper roll holder. This could pose a problem if it were busier, but for right now it was fine. My only complaint was that the toilet paper was too high in the holder. It took about twenty seconds or so for me to fish it out, so I wasn’t able to get a good look at it as I was shitting. Now when I finally did pull the toilet paper down, I was shocked that it was two ply. It did feel a little thin for a two ply, but it had little ridges in it on one side of the toilet paper. I would imagine that would take care of the clumps in your bottom. The toilet paper felt below average to average at best. It didn’t hurt my ass, nor did it feel great. After using the manual flusher I made my way over to wash my hands. The water was automatic, but the soap dispenser was manual. There was only one option to dry your hands, which was paper towels. Like the toilet paper, it had been so filled and underused that it was kind of hard to fetch them out.

            So now that you know about this spot, let’s get into The Secret Shitter’s Review.

Accessibility: 3

Business: 0

Number of Stalls: 1

Stall Comfort: 4

Décor: 2.5

Toilet Paper Quality: 3

Overall Rating: 4

            Well this shitter is definitely above average. It is secluded which is both good and bad. It is almost too secluded for its’ own good. It is accessible to the public on a public walkway, but the sign is a tad hard to read. The only way to really tell that the bathrooms here exist is by reading a small four inch sign on the door. After reading this you could just look for the ferry terminal sign and just go to the right side door, but if you were out and about with a level five alarm going off in your colon then you might not be in the right mind to look for little details like this. The only upside is that the place is a virtual ghost-town in the winter! Not even the employees were there. But I did see ships that had “Logan Airport Shuttle” and “Boston Harbor Islands Ferry” written on the side of them, so that might be a different story in warmer weather. But for right now you are pretty much on your own when it comes to shitting in there. This is an average shitter at best if it were located anywhere else. What makes this bathroom so good is its’ location and seclusion. The décor is subpar, and the toilet paper is average. If there were a bunch of tourists waiting to go to the islands, then this bathroom could get bad really quickly. Quite frankly I don’t think this is the case even in warmer weather though. I know it is just speculation, but I think that most of the ships that go out to the harbor islands leave from the Aquarium. I could be wrong on that though. Either way if you are caught in the no-mans-land between South Station, and the Aquarium, this is a more than adequate place to leave your little brown nuggets behind.

Great so now that we got through the review, now it is time for shameless plug time! You know we have a book right? It is called; The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Volume 1 and you can get it here on Amazon (it comes with free Prime Shipping). We are also working on the follow up to our first book which will be called; The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Volume 2: Electric Poogaloo. Any sales from the first two books will be directly used to send me to a new location! Which city would you like to see me shit in next? Tell me via our Facebook Page, Twitter Page, or email us at; Secret.Shitter617@gmail.com.

Until Next time, Peace.  

Star Market – Porter Square

                Oompa Loompa Dookity doo, I’ve got another shitter for you. This time I saddled up my horse and headed down over to Cambridge, or is it Somerville? How about we call it Camberville for now? My next adventure took me to good old Porter Square. Now I was in this part of town visiting an old friend, but before I went over to his house, I thought I would drop off this monster crap to the dooky day care.

                Within Porter Square your options are kind of limited to be honest. I had been saving this shit up since I took the first sip of my coffee in the morning. I was actually surprised at myself that I had waited so long to take this shit. So when you get out at Porter Square (from the MBTA Station) your options are kind of limited. I scanned my surrounding, meanwhile the monster is getting into position pointing himself straight down my shit cannon, then I saw it, the Star Market.

                Supermarkets in America have long been a friend of my ass. I have shat in quite a few in my day, and since this was basically the only option, I decided to go in and take a look around. When you head in the entrance closest to the Michael’s you turn to your right and keep going straight. You keep all of the registers to your right, and in the Non-GMO Gluten-Free Organic meat section there will be a sign pointing to the left. Follow that sign and the restroom will be dead ahead of you.

                When I first walked in I will say that the décor jumped out at me. The overall theme in here seemed to be Earth tones. The walls were an array of green, white, and light brown. With the tiles also bearing the color of brown. You will also notice that there is a urinal to your left, and one stall where you and do the doo.

                This stall was mighty in both size and girth. I will say for a supermarket shitter this one was quite large considering the amount of people it serves on a daily basis. When you enter the stall you will notice that there are two locks. Unfortunately, they are not for double protection. It seems like this stall was recently worked on and the hole for the circle lock didn’t exist anymore. That is ok though because right above it was a latch, which I think is much sturdier.

                There was only one coat hook on the door. With the weather in the thirties I am in full blown winter gear. The hook held my jacket admirably, but there was no place for my bag. That is until I turned around. Right in front of me was the strangest looking contraption I have seen in a shitter to date. Now I am familiar with the baby changing stations which sometimes are installed into the handicap stalls, but this was not a baby changing station. It was a baby seat in which you strap junior into to make him witness daddy making a boom-boom. Bravo Star Market, you have introduced me to a crazy new concept in the art of shitting, actually making a small human watch you dook!

                Now that I was situated I sat down to do my business. While sitting there I could hear people talking outside. There was some sort of deli, or fish counter right outside of the bathroom. However, I wish I paid more attention to my surroundings and I wish I could tell you definitively what type of counter it was, but alas next time I won’t be so aloof. So back to business, when I was sitting there a sound all of a sudden rang out. It was an alarm of some kind going off in the back of the counter. I could hear some people bickering back and forth, but the only thing my deaf ears could make out was, “Next time try to be more careful”. So with the alarm turned off I could go back to my regularly scheduled shit. With this many people in the store I thought this bathroom would be really busy. To my surprise only two people came in to take a leak, and according to my ears, only one of them washed their hands.

                After I was done doing the honey doo doo, I had to turn my attention to the toilet paper. Upon first glance I did register it as the one ply variety. However, normally I won’t say this about one ply, but it was super soft! It was like my mind was literally and figuratively blown. I knew there had to be a catch. I don’t think science has caught up with the art of penny pinching quite yet. When I went to grab another bunch for round two of swiping, I found my red herring. The toilet paper didn’t actually come out in one continuous stream. So this very soft one ply toilet paper kept shredding in my hands as I went to pull it down. At first I thought I was tugging too hard, but after using a softer touch, it was still shredding. The top of the container was a translucent black, so I could peer inside, and there was only one roll in there with nothing theoretically stopping the flow of toilet paper. After a grueling two minutes fighting with the terrible toilet roll, I was finally done.

                The toilet and sinks were both manual. There was an Xcelerator air dryer in there. I don’t particularly care for those, they tend to leave my hand a little moister than I would like it to be. I did notice that there was hand sanitizer as well attached to the wall, but it was completely empty when I went to use it. Good thing I bring my own…

                Ok so now that you know the bathroom it is time for The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review.

Number of Stalls: 1

Stall Comfort: 4

Accessibility: 3

Cleanliness: 4

Décor: 4

Toilet Paper Quality: 4

Busyness: 2

Overall Rating: 4

                The Star Market in Porter Square outperformed in every way. I really thought this was going to be a bad place to shit, but I was pleasantly surprised to report the exact opposite. It is sort of easy to find and they have that cool baby seat contraption in here. This is totally a place I would look forward to coming back to. It was bright, clean, and it wasn’t too busy. It has all the makings of a Five Star Review, except for the toilet paper. I was shocked by the quality of the one ply, and if you know me, I wouldn’t say something like that normally. The only drawback was when the toilet paper was being dispensed. I like to roll my toilet paper up, not use a shredded TP ball to wipe my ass. So with that being said, the Star Market in Porter Square scores a very commendable Four Stars.

You do know that we have a book out right? Did you know that the proceeds from the book will send me to another city? Well if you would like to see me rate bathrooms in your city, buy the book here.

Do you have any suggestions for me? Do you want to drop me a line and just say hi? Email me at; Secret.shitter617@gmail.comalso don’t forget to like us on Facebook, and follow us on Twitter.

 

Until next time, peace.