Wendy’s – Revere MA

Where’s the beef? Is the iconic catch phrase from our latest location, The Wendy’s in Revere, Massachusetts. Wendy’s was founded in 1969 by Dave Thomas. As of 2015 the fast-food chain boasted 6487 locations worldwide*. However, I sincerely think that you are not interested in the history and background of the restaurant. I am more than sure that you are interested in the shit I took at the location.

Well normally we don’t review bathrooms which you have to buy anything. This bathroom is no exception, but I would urge you to proceed with caution if you want to use it. I really don’t think any of the workers care enough if you use the bathroom without purchasing something first. This could be speculation, but I did not buy anything when I used this restroom. I could be an anomaly, but I highly doubt it.

OK so you do not want to get caught attempting to use the bathroom? Maybe you are low on cash and you do not have the spare dollar and four cents to buy a hamburger to use the restroom? That is fine, I am going to tell you how to get in and get out without being noticed. There are two entrances to the restaurant. One of the entrances faces the Dollar Tree store, and the other entrance is closest to the Stop and Shop. Go into the entrance nearest the Dollar Tree store, this is the back entrance, and is not located in view of the cash register. In fact, you would be entering through the dining room part of the restaurant, so the only people who would see you are the customers who are eating, and so long as you do not look homeless, I am sure no one is going to say anything. So you walk in through the back door, and immediately on your right hand side will be the door for the restroom, congrats, you have just now snuck into the Wendy’s bathroom! But what awaits you next you say?

Well there is one stall located in this bathroom. There is also a urinal for your peeing pleasure to boot, should you not have to take a shit. The first thing you will notice is that for a fast food restaurant, this bathroom is superbly clean. I do not think there is too much foot traffic going inside to sit down and eat. This location does a killing in drive through business, so that is a plus for all of you secret shitters out there.

The décor of the place seemed outdated. When you look at places such as the Walmart in Lynn, which is about on the same level as this restaurant in terms of demographics, this bathroom does not hold up in our impression of the décor. The floors are pinkish and green, with an off-white colored wall. It really is not pleasing to the eye. I personally do not like it. I almost feel like you have stepped into a time warp, and it is not the good kind of time warp.

As far as my shit went, it was quite slippery and reminiscent of a back-door piss instead of a solid shit. I truly feel bad for the poor sap that had to use it after me. I really was not feeling too hot that particular day, and my shit just proved my suspicions that I was sick. The stench actually gave me a headache, and I had to go to the register and ask for water after I was done because I felt so dehydrated.

     Ok so enough about my sick-shits. This bathroom as you would suspect had some of the worst toilet paper I have used in quite some time. It was in fact a two ply toilet paper, which I had to double check to make sure. It felt brittle and it did not roll up, or bunch up very well. I feel like I would have been better off using some of there to-go bags as toilet paper. At least I would have known how shitty the bag was to use, and I probably would have been better off.

So as you may suspect the bathroom had manual everything. The toilet flusher, the sinks, and the soap dispensers all were manual. Now I have kind of gotten away from going into detail about the handwashing experience, mostly because it is kind of drab to be honest. If something does not stand out to me I will usually just say it was automatic, or manual and just go about writing my review. With that in mind, you needed to have the strength of a thousand gorillas to be able to get any soap out of that damn dispenser. I know I said it was old, but my God that thing was beyond ancient. I am sure President Grant must have used this thing, it seemed that old. The amount of soap that actually came out of it is laughable. It took me at least four pumps to get enough soap on my hands to feel comfortable enough to wash the poo-water off of my hands. The other thing that got me was the equally old air dryer installed in this place. I do not think the place is that old, so how in the hell did they get such an old air-dryer? It is a “World Dryer” brand air-dryer. It is like the owner went to the Salvation Army and found a used air dryer on clearance. Get a fucking Dyson and be done with it you cheap prick…

OK so that is that. I came, I shat, I left. Really there was nothing more to it than that. So now that you know about my shit, let us get into The Secret Shitter Review. All of these categories are out of a possible five stars, so let the games begin…

Number of Stalls: 1

Stall Comfort: 3

Accessibility: 3

Cleanliness: 4.5

Décor: 2

Toilet Paper Quality: 1

Busyness: 1

 

Overall Rating: 2

A number two rating on taking a number two at the Wendy’s in Revere. The numbers and math do not lie. The toilet paper sucked, and the décor sucked. This bathroom is so clean because nobody outside of myself is dumb enough to use it. The food is debatable but this is not a place to review food, this is a place to review bathrooms. Now I do have a love for the chicken nuggets there, especially the spicy ones. That is not the point however. If you go into one of these establishments, chances are you are going to have to shit right after eating the food. This happens with me all the time. As soon as it goes in, it goes right out. It is not the worst bathroom in the complex, but it is not the best either. There are other options which favor your asshole more than Wendy’s. If you are in a pinch, but cannot make the short run across the parking lot, then I guess this is a place to shit.

So now I am gearing up for our new book: The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Volume 2: Electric Poogaloo, I would like to thank all the people who purchased our first book! If you have not already done so, go to amazon and type in- The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 1. Buy the book. I am looking to expand upon the state of Massachusetts, and you can help bring The Secret Shitter to a different part of New England! All sales from the books go directly into funding me to go someplace else. If you are in the town of Winthrop, Massachusetts then you can go down to the Winthrop Book Depot and purchase our book from that retailer! Plus, you can get some kick-ass coffee while you are there. You will also be supporting local business to boot. So just go down there and buy the book! Supplies are limited down there, so go before someone else does and buy our stuff!

 

 

Winthrop Public Library

             It is about high time that I review a bathroom from my good old hometown of Winthrop Massachusetts. Winthrop is the little island suburb right outside of Boston. Ok so you most likely haven’t heard of it. Have you heard of East Boston and Revere? Yup we are right next to those towns. It is convenient to Logan Airport, and it is right along the MBTA’s Blue Line. But I am not here writing a welcome letter for the town (if you would like me to, um you can email me, but it is going to cost you). No people I am here to find a bathroom to take a dook in. Even in my small town, while I am running around doing my errands I still need to poop sometimes, and that brings me to our next location, The Winthrop Public Library.

I like going to the Library. There is a small museum which I am sure is open sometimes, if you ask, and what it is in it, well I have no idea. But I do like to read, but I am not allowed to take books out due to the fact that I owe them money from a late book I forgot to bring back. I think it was on Ham Radio, but either way, that is not the point of the story. See nestled in the basement, up the ramp from the children’s department, there is a little bookstore. It is surprisingly stocked with a lot of books and LP’s. Sometimes you can find some cool stuff down their dirt cheap. I got a bunch of pictures from an amateur astral photographer for like five bucks. But again, that is not the point of the story. I was browsing some of the books when I felt the urge to drop some literary logs of my own. Thus we begin…

    So to gain access to the restroom you need to go and speak with the person who is working in the children’s wing of the library. There is a key attached to a large piece of wood that they will give you. When you secure the key, you can begin to write some brown poems of your own.

To find the restroom is quite easy. There is a big fucking sign that says “Bathrooms” with an arrow, and two clearly marked doors. If you got the key, then I have faith in you that you can find the bathroom. I mean you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to find it.

Next thing you will notice is once you open the door, you will be met with a rather roomy single bathroom for your pooping pleasure. This bathroom is massive. Although my memory is a tad hazy, I do not clearly remember whether or not this bathroom had coat hooks in them or not. But don’t worry, the bathroom is so big that you can lay your backpack down on one side and have zero fear of any poo-water getting anywhere near your belongings.

      The walls in the bathroom are absolutely atrocious. They are dark grey in color, and are in terrible need of a fresh coat of paint. I mean it looks like no one has paid attention to this bathroom in about twenty years. Do not even get me started on the tiles in here. Well actually I guess I have to get started If I want to do a thorough review. Do you remember when you were in high school? Do you remember what the floors looked like? Ok now that you have that picture in your head, that is the exact same style that the floors are made of. Very drab, and not anything to write home about. To be honest you can’t tell if they are dirty or just old. It is most likely the latter because the bathroom didn’t have any sort of debris in them. The bathroom appeared to be clean.

The next thing we have to address is the toilet. Man maybe we American’s are not build like we used to be. I am pretty sure that Andre the Giant’s feet would be dangling off of this high rise pooper. It is very rare that I write about the height of a toilet, but something about my feet dangling off of one makes me a tad uneasy. I know no one can bust through and come in, but damn. We are talking a good four to five inches off of the ground. I damn near needed a ladder to get up there.

Enough about my height issues, let’s move on to the final crescendo in our public pooper review, the toilet paper. I could tell by looking that this toilet paper that my asshole was going to feel as though it had been raked through fire glass, and boy was I right! This is the standard Uncle Sam’s Sandpaper Medium Grit # 172 in lieu of where the toilet paper should be. Government issued anything sucks donkey balls, let alone toilet paper. I would hate to know what they give out at Red Cross Camps around the world to people. But that is a whole totally different story unto itself.

So after I finished wiping and crying I had to flush the toilet myself like a gawd dang farmer. To make matters worse I had to turn on the faucet like a peasant. As I returned the key to the front desk I scurried off into the sunset bow-legged with the memory of that dastardly toilet paper etched into my soul…

So now that we have all of the info that we need let us start The Secret Shitter Five Star Review…

Number of Stalls: 1

Accessibility: 2

Stall Comfort: 4

Cleanliness: 4

Toilet Paper Quality: 1

Décor: 2

Busyness: 1

Overall Rating: 2.25

Yup that was a toilet, and I pooped in it. That is the sentiment that I hold when I think of the Winthrop Public Library. The pros to this toilet is its’ seclusion everything else just sucks about it. But it really isn’t the Library’s fault. Something something public funding. I don’t expect a whole lot when I go into government buildings. I expect there to be a toilet to use which was state of the art in the 1970’s, and when you go in with that expectation, then you really cannot be disappointed. I mean the only good thing about this is that I didn’t have anyone banging on the door to get in. Most likely because I was in a small town library. If I was going about my business in town and I needed to crap, would I come back? Sure I mean we have seen worse shitters here, but I would totally try to find another spot if I had the option, or I could go home and poop. That might have been a better option.

OK so you know what is great about the library? There are tons of books to read! You know who else has a book? US!!! You can mosey on over to Amazon and pick up The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Volume 1, it is never too late to be in the know. There are literally dozens of people who have been satisfied by our poop knowledge. So go and buy the book today, be a trendsetter.

Something something if you like what you read share it on social media. I am only one man. So if you like it, share it!

Remember until next time… Peace.