Where’s the beef? Is the iconic catch phrase from our latest location, The Wendy’s in Revere, Massachusetts. Wendy’s was founded in 1969 by Dave Thomas. As of 2015 the fast-food chain boasted 6487 locations worldwide*. However, I sincerely think that you are not interested in the history and background of the restaurant. I am more than sure that you are interested in the shit I took at the location.
Well normally we don’t review bathrooms which you have to buy anything. This bathroom is no exception, but I would urge you to proceed with caution if you want to use it. I really don’t think any of the workers care enough if you use the bathroom without purchasing something first. This could be speculation, but I did not buy anything when I used this restroom. I could be an anomaly, but I highly doubt it.
OK so you do not want to get caught attempting to use the bathroom? Maybe you are low on cash and you do not have the spare dollar and four cents to buy a hamburger to use the restroom? That is fine, I am going to tell you how to get in and get out without being noticed. There are two entrances to the restaurant. One of the entrances faces the Dollar Tree store, and the other entrance is closest to the Stop and Shop. Go into the entrance nearest the Dollar Tree store, this is the back entrance, and is not located in view of the cash register. In fact, you would be entering through the dining room part of the restaurant, so the only people who would see you are the customers who are eating, and so long as you do not look homeless, I am sure no one is going to say anything. So you walk in through the back door, and immediately on your right hand side will be the door for the restroom, congrats, you have just now snuck into the Wendy’s bathroom! But what awaits you next you say?
Well there is one stall located in this bathroom. There is also a urinal for your 
peeing pleasure to boot, should you not have to take a shit. The first thing you will notice is that for a fast food restaurant, this bathroom is superbly clean. I do not think there is too much foot traffic going inside to sit down and eat. This location does a killing in drive through business, so that is a plus for all of you secret shitters out there.
The décor of the place seemed outdated. When you look at places such as the Walmart in Lynn, which is about on the same level as this restaurant in terms of demographics, this bathroom does not hold up in our impression of the décor. The floors are pinkish and green, with an off-white colored wall. It really is not pleasing to the eye. I personally do not like it. I almost feel like you have stepped into a time warp, and it is not the good kind of time warp.
As far as my shit went, it was quite slippery and reminiscent of a back-door piss instead of a solid shit. I truly feel bad for the poor sap that had to use it after me. I really was not feeling too hot that particular day, and my shit just proved my suspicions that I was sick. The stench actually gave me a headache, and I had to go to the register and ask for water after I was done because I felt so dehydrated.
Ok so enough about my sick-shits. This bathroom as you would suspect had some of the worst toilet paper I have used in quite some time. It was in fact a two ply toilet paper, which I had to double check to make sure. It felt brittle and it did not roll up, or bunch up very well. I feel like I would have been better off using some of there to-go bags as toilet paper. At least I would have known how shitty the bag was to use, and I probably would have been better off.
So as you may suspect the bathroom had manual everything. The toilet flusher, the sinks, and the soap dispensers all were manual. Now I have kind of gotten away from going into detail about the handwashing experience, mostly because it is kind of drab to be honest. If something does not stand out to me I will usually just say it was automatic, or manual and just go about writing my review. With that in mind, you needed to have the strength of a thousand gorillas to be able to get any soap out of that damn dispenser. I know I said it was old, but my God that thing was beyond ancient. I am sure President Grant must have used this thing, it seemed that old. The amount of soap that actually 
came out of it is laughable. It took me at least four pumps to get enough soap on my hands to feel comfortable enough to wash the poo-water off of my hands. The other thing that got me was the equally old air dryer installed in this place. I do not think the place is that old, so how in the hell did they get such an old air-dryer? It is a “World Dryer” brand air-dryer. It is like the owner went to the Salvation Army and found a used air dryer on clearance. Get a fucking Dyson and be done with it you cheap prick…
OK so that is that. I came, I shat, I left. Really there was nothing more to it than that. So now that you know about my shit, let us get into The Secret Shitter Review. All of these categories are out of a possible five stars, so let the games begin…
Number of Stalls: 1
Stall Comfort: 3
Accessibility: 3
Cleanliness: 4.5
Décor: 2
Toilet Paper Quality: 1
Busyness: 1
Overall Rating: 2
A number two rating on taking a number two at the Wendy’s in Revere. The numbers and math do not lie. The toilet paper sucked, and the décor sucked. This bathroom is so clean because nobody outside of myself is dumb enough to use it. The food is debatable but this is not a place to review food, this is a place to review bathrooms. Now I do have a love for the chicken nuggets there, especially the spicy ones. That is not the point however. If you go into one of these establishments, chances are you are going to have to shit right after eating the food. This happens with me all the time. As soon as it goes in, it goes right out. It is not the worst bathroom in the complex, but it is not the best either. There are other options which favor your asshole more than Wendy’s. If you are in a pinch, but cannot make the short run across the parking lot, then I guess this is a place to shit.
So now I am gearing up for our new book: The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Volume 2: Electric Poogaloo, I would like to thank all the people who purchased our first book! If you have not already done so, go to amazon and type in- The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 1. Buy the book. I am looking to expand upon the state of Massachusetts, and you can help bring The Secret Shitter to a different part of New England! All sales from the books go directly into funding me to go someplace else. If you are in the town of Winthrop, Massachusetts then you can go down to the Winthrop Book Depot and purchase our book from that retailer! Plus, you can get some kick-ass coffee while you are there. You will also be supporting local business to boot. So just go down there and buy the book! Supplies are limited down there, so go before someone else does and buy our stuff!
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