Providence Rhode Island: Brown University

        When you first exit the train station in Providence, the city unfolds in front of you. You are greeted with shopping malls, hotels, financial buildings, and a beautiful river. Providence is home to some world-class colleges too, such as Johnson & Wales University which is THE most recognizable name in culinary schools, RISD which is one of the better art schools in New England, then we come to another school, Brown University. How in the hell could I come to Providence and NOT go to Brown University? Well ladies and gentlemen we are going to kick off our trip to Rhode Island right, next stop, Brown University!

I got one of those little walking maps to Providence, and it had Brown University on there as a stop on their self-guided walking tour. There was also a little bathroom icon next to the University, which means there was a public restroom located inside of the place. It was number one on the GoProvidence.com’s walking tour, it was also the area furthest away, so I headed up College Hill, and I made my way home.

Now the map would lead you to believe that there is only one solitary public bathroom. However, this is not the case. The map told me that the bathroom would be accessible from Waterman Street, which technically it was. I had been holding in an Egg McMuffin all the way from South Station preparing my anus for its’ destiny. College Hill is large, and the entrance to the University was about a quarter mile down the street. I didn’t see the main opening from Waterman Street, and I got completely fucking lost.

My first bathroom trip I fucked up big time. There was an archway where you walk through that brings you to the green. They said that the bathroom would be right there, except it isn’t. There was a giant map that showed all of the classroom buildings, and all of the residence halls, but there was nothing written on the wall that said “bathroom”. No icon, no writing, no nothing. I could not take listening to my inner brown try to claw its’ way out, I had to do what I had to do, I went into the building which was opposite of the map, and I had to find the shitter, and fast!

I believe it was the admissions building, and there was a bathroom sign immediately as I walked it. “Score”, I thought to myself. This is going to be an easy one. Plus, it is a nice feather in the cap to say that The Secret Shitter laid down some brown at Brown. There are two sets of stairs, one leads up to a guy sitting in a reception desk, the other leads downstairs to some sitting areas and computers. That is where you will need to go.

When you walk down the stairs you will find an old looking door on your left. It will say “Men’s Room” on it, and you know you have found the right place. Well, unless you are a lady. So at first walking in, it was a sight to be seen. There were four stalls lined up against the right side wall. The handicap one was occupied, which means I would need to go and use one of the other ones. I had to make haste because even though I am not old, I totally do not look like I belong in a college. The only Brown Police I was trying to alert, were the ones patrolling my ass.

Now I do have to say that this is going to be the post with the least amount of pictures. This is due in part to some of what I have outlined above, and the other being that this bathroom was busy as fucking hell. I walked in and there were three dudes using the urinals, and another two washing their hands, and there was a lone guy in the handicap stall playing “Old Brown” on his own ass-saxophone.

Me on the other hand I had a Bruno Brown Bear of my own coming out of hibernation looking to hydrate himself in the pristine lakes of Underground Brown. I heaved and I grunted with such passion, that I am pretty sure I was scaring some of the kids. I even had one knock at the door from a concerned student asking me “if everything was alright dude”? Everything was not alright, I had an hour old South Station Egg McMuffin trying to nuzzle its’ way out of my asshole. This is just adding to the insurmountable pressure I was already feeling being in a place that I knew I shouldn’t have been in. I am in a college, without identifying myself, going into a student only bathroom. I am also trying to review it for a crapping website, making this one of the tensest reviews to date. I know I am not breaking the law, well, maybe trespassing? But I am not doing anything hazardous to anyone except paying homage to the very facility I was in.

I do have to say though with how busy this bathroom is; it’s truly amazing how clean the place was. There were two rolls of fresh TP in their holder, and there was no graffiti anywhere. The only wall writings were printed out by the tutoring department looking to see if you needed help with classes. They put them on the inside of the stall. Yeah you read that right. They put advertisement for tutoring classes on the inside wall of the stall I was in. I know I think entirely too much when I take a shit, but I have never contemplated if my studies are falling behind. How awkward of a conversation is that going to be? “Hey I um, like, saw your advertising for tutoring while I was shitting and I wanted to know if you can help me with my Organic Chemistry 101 class?”

           With the tutor ads up in my grill, I had more of a chance to take in the sights around me. This bathroom was old. And I am not just saying that because Brown University is well over two-hundred years old. The bathroom was outdated as hell. They had those old-school little tiles I remember being in the CCD school back home. I am almost certain no one uses tiles of those sizes anymore. Well the walls were white, and the floor was red. Both of them were those little tiles. It looked fucking hideous.

Now that I was getting ready to finish up I had to take my attention to the toilet paper. This was government-grade two ply right here. This toilet paper ripped my asshole to shreds. It was also the kind that didn’t bunch up too well, or fold up well. It was just abysmal. Nothing was good about it. There just isn’t anything more to say about it.

I did like that the flusher gave me the option of being environmentally conscience. It was one of those flushers that you pull them up for a piss, and pull ‘em down for a Brown. They regulate water flow so it doesn’t use as much water if you pee. Again I don’t know why there aren’t more of them around, but I am starting to see them more and more in my shitty travels. The flusher is manual, and so are the sinks and soap. There were paper towels, so that was a plus.

Well now that I am done being “Ever True to Brown” it is time for me to come to the actual data. The meat and potatoes of our writings, The Secret Shitter’s Review. Now everything is out of a possible five stars, Let’s begin.

Number of Stalls: 4

Stall Comfort: 2

Accessibility: 2

Décor: 1

Cleanliness: 4

Toilet Paper Quality: 2

Busyness: 5

 

Overall Rating: 2

 

Well there you have it a measly 2 Stars to start off our trip to Providence. I had such high hopes for Brown University, I mean the college is named after shit. I would have thought that they would take their pooping as serious as their academics. But no, how sadly wrong I was. Let me count the ways at how awful this bathroom is. First you can hardly find it. If you just walked into the building and declared yourself to the kid at the desk, I doubt you would be granted entry. If you do manage that, you will be greeted with a hostile shitting environment. It isn’t a place you go to get away, you go here and you make your own Brown University, and then you leave. There is no admiring anything in here, nor should you. This bathroom sucks to be honest. Plus, as I was leaving the Brown grounds I overhead a kid saying very loudly, “this _________ is fucking forty years old and he is going to school here”? Use your imagination to fill in the blank. So not only are the students here assholes, but the college’s bathrooms suck too. Number one shithead, I am not “forty years old”. Number two, I was taking a dump in your school so I could write about it in my book. Number three, I have a book out and another one in the works. What have you done with your life other than write useless research papers? Come find me when you’ve accomplished something in life. Until then, kindly Go Fuck Yourself. And with that said, I think it is rather ironic that last statement conveys my exact feeling towards Brown University, please kindly go fuck yourself.

 

 

I am traveling around New England with my next edition of The Secret Shitter Guidebook series. Buy our first guidebook, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston vol. 1 to go and help support us. Or you can click the Donate button at the top of the screen. Just know that each donation and book sale helps me keep up with the website, and helps me go to other places.

Massachusetts: The Bathroom Behind The Long Wharf Marriott Hotel

So when you think of the Marriott Long Wharf, you think of that long brick building right outside of the New England Aquarium. You see yuppies lined up outside in the summer drinking expensive cocktails on the patio, and I am sure you say to yourself,
“those bathrooms at the Marriott Long Wharf, must be pretty good”. Well you aren’t exactly wrong, but that isn’t what we are going to go today. Not inside of the building at least. In tried and true methods I have gone into a lot of hotels. Mostly because they don’t give you shit for taking a shit in their bathrooms, and they are usually pretty nice. But, true to the namesake of this website, did you know that there is a secret bathroom accessible from the outside of the hotel? Well if you did congrats, maybe you should be a writer here. But, chances are you have no idea what I am talking about so let me clarify our next location. We are going to be shitting at the bathroom in the back of the Marriott Long Wharf Hotel.

Yeah that is kind of a mouthful to say. What peeked my interest is when I went to the Starbucks located on the lower level of the hotel, and a sign read; “public restrooms located behind the Starbucks”. So I looked behind the Starbuck, and it just leads you outside. Now there is one of those Boston Public Pay Toilets which are a quarter to use, but I didn’t think that was what the sign meant. After further inspection when you’re looking at the backside of the hotel, there is a very tiny hallway near the right side entrance. I looked in there expecting to find a maintenance room, but instead I found the next location!

Upon first walking in I noticed how “wet” the floor looked. Now someone didn’t overflow a toilet, it was just the light reflecting off of the weird brown color paint they used to decorate the room. I actually thought someone had flooded the bathroom. But it was nothing more than a mere optical illusion. There was a surprisingly high number of stalls in this facility. There were four in total, and one of them was a handicap stall. Well you know which one I am walking into…

      So I walked into the stall and I sat down and I was letting the coffee do its’ thing to my stomach. There were wads of toilet paper strewn across the floor. Nothing too out of the ordinary. The place also smelt entirely off pee, which was to be expected. I also had to flush the toilet because somebody decided that they didn’t want to do that after they left. So yeah everything seemed on the up-and-up so far.

The bathroom was more utilitarian, than luxury. Usually the bathrooms at Marriott Hotels are really nice and upscale. Usually they have some minor tweeks to the design and aesthetics but overall they seem to follow the same design pattern. This bathroom seemed to be more akin of a public terminal restroom, than that of a better-than-average hotel chain. The walls were an odd shade of yellow-brown and stone. The floor as we discussed above was brown. It has to be one of the uglier bathrooms I have seen. It was like they used whatever they had left-over from the hotel.

The stall itself was roomy, and sprawled the full length of the back side walls’ width. The downside was that there were no coat hooks. So I was forced to put my bag on the wet-looking floor (which it wasn’t) and I had to shit with my coat on. I will say that I don’t know too many people who would enjoy the prospect of shitting in a coat.

As I sat there shitting my morning shit, I noticed that this bathroom was really busy. There seemed to be people coming in there by the three’s. Some taking dumps, others just peeing and leaving. Me, I seemed to be in there for the long haul. My shit wasn’t exactly bad, it was just taking longer than I thought it would. It isn’t exactly the end of the world if I take a longer-than-expected shit, but now I am just rambling.

I seemed to be nearing the end of my boom-boom and I went to inspect the toilet paper. Rather I would have, had there been fucking toilet paper in there! Yeah I sat there in disbelief for a good two minutes rolling the empty cardboard tube around on the rod hoping that I might find some toilet paper scraps on the empty tube. After my minor heart attack, I knew I had to calm myself down. Going out of the stall with my pants around my ankles wasn’t an option in a busy bathroom like this. I contemplated yelling for help, or to have some guys be on the lookout so I can transfer myself into the adjacent stall. With all of those thoughts running through my head I somehow found my center and calmed myself down and started to rationally think. I felt underneath the TP dispenser with close attention to any buttons or anything else of the sort, and I finally hit jackpot! I felt a small little ledge in the center of the TP holder. I moved my hand forward to find that the thing slid to the other side and revealed a fresh new roll of toilet paper!

        This two ply was a gift to me from the shitting Gods! Except it really wasn’t. It was an awful paper-thin two ply toilet paper that neither bunched up correctly, came out in the appropriate amounts without ripping, or folded up nicely to wipe your ass. This toilet paper was like a Trojan horse of sorts from the bathrooms Gods. I felt so betrayed by them. I had to sit here with what seemed like an endless stream of toilet paper wiping my ass to death. When I tell you with each passing wipe I could feel my ass getting raw. It did the job, but it wouldn’t be my first choice in a TP draft.

With all of that nonsense behind me, I flushed my poo down the tubes, and I headed to the sink to wash my hands. The water was automatic and the soap was manual. There was also a better than average air dryer for your hands. There was no paper towel option, which I was kind of expecting. After what seemed like an impossible amount of time with the air dryer, I finished up and headed outside to the big bad world.

Now that you know about my pretty terrible experience using this bathroom, it is time for The Secret Shitter Review. Every category is based on a five-star rating system. Although you can probably see where this is going.

 

Number of stalls	4
Stall Comfort	3
Accessibility	2
Décor	1
Cleanliness	1
Busyness	3.5
Toilet Paper Quality	2
Total	2

I just can’t bring myself to give the Bathroom Behind the Long Wharf Marriott Hotel any more than 2 Stars. The floor is an awful brown, and it looks wet. It isn’t a very good thing when you can’t tell if someone pissed on the floor, or the light is reflecting off of it. To me, that isn’t really a good bathroom design. Notwithstanding the fact that I thought there was no toilet paper, and I literally almost had a fucking heart attack. The fact that there were so many people in the bathroom could have been a blessing, or a curse. I know if I heard some dude saying, “there is no toilet paper, I am moving to the next stall with my pants half-down”. I would laugh like a hyena and then I would say, “Thanks for the heads up”. Everything that I have just stated above are attributes which you do not want your bathroom to be accredited with. So given all that I said, this really isn’t a bathroom you should seek out and go into. I would try for the classier bathrooms of the second floor at the Long Wharf Marriott Hotel, but that us just me.  However, if you are in a rush and feel like gambling on toilet paper being in the restroom, then this is certainly the bathroom for you! I would only recommend this bathroom to the most extreme of bathroom enthusiasts. So if that sort of thing floats your boat, then come on down to the Bathroom Behind the Long Wharf Marriott Hotel! If you’re not that type of person, then stay the fuck away.

 

Yup it is that shameless plug time. I am in the middle of writing The Secret Shitter’s Guide to New England. I am also going to include all of my Boston Bathrooms in the: Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 2: Electric Poogaloo. Know that the first book, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 1 is already on Amazon, and you can get it with FREE prime shitting, I mean Shipping! Not only that, but rest assured that none of that money actually goes to me, I use it to fund my trips to other cities, and to keep up with the website, and all of that cost. So until next time, like us on Facebook, and follow me on twitter, where I just mostly troll people, and we will catch you back here Friday for our first look at Providence! See you then.

Wendy’s – Revere MA

Where’s the beef? Is the iconic catch phrase from our latest location, The Wendy’s in Revere, Massachusetts. Wendy’s was founded in 1969 by Dave Thomas. As of 2015 the fast-food chain boasted 6487 locations worldwide*. However, I sincerely think that you are not interested in the history and background of the restaurant. I am more than sure that you are interested in the shit I took at the location.

Well normally we don’t review bathrooms which you have to buy anything. This bathroom is no exception, but I would urge you to proceed with caution if you want to use it. I really don’t think any of the workers care enough if you use the bathroom without purchasing something first. This could be speculation, but I did not buy anything when I used this restroom. I could be an anomaly, but I highly doubt it.

OK so you do not want to get caught attempting to use the bathroom? Maybe you are low on cash and you do not have the spare dollar and four cents to buy a hamburger to use the restroom? That is fine, I am going to tell you how to get in and get out without being noticed. There are two entrances to the restaurant. One of the entrances faces the Dollar Tree store, and the other entrance is closest to the Stop and Shop. Go into the entrance nearest the Dollar Tree store, this is the back entrance, and is not located in view of the cash register. In fact, you would be entering through the dining room part of the restaurant, so the only people who would see you are the customers who are eating, and so long as you do not look homeless, I am sure no one is going to say anything. So you walk in through the back door, and immediately on your right hand side will be the door for the restroom, congrats, you have just now snuck into the Wendy’s bathroom! But what awaits you next you say?

Well there is one stall located in this bathroom. There is also a urinal for your peeing pleasure to boot, should you not have to take a shit. The first thing you will notice is that for a fast food restaurant, this bathroom is superbly clean. I do not think there is too much foot traffic going inside to sit down and eat. This location does a killing in drive through business, so that is a plus for all of you secret shitters out there.

The décor of the place seemed outdated. When you look at places such as the Walmart in Lynn, which is about on the same level as this restaurant in terms of demographics, this bathroom does not hold up in our impression of the décor. The floors are pinkish and green, with an off-white colored wall. It really is not pleasing to the eye. I personally do not like it. I almost feel like you have stepped into a time warp, and it is not the good kind of time warp.

As far as my shit went, it was quite slippery and reminiscent of a back-door piss instead of a solid shit. I truly feel bad for the poor sap that had to use it after me. I really was not feeling too hot that particular day, and my shit just proved my suspicions that I was sick. The stench actually gave me a headache, and I had to go to the register and ask for water after I was done because I felt so dehydrated.

     Ok so enough about my sick-shits. This bathroom as you would suspect had some of the worst toilet paper I have used in quite some time. It was in fact a two ply toilet paper, which I had to double check to make sure. It felt brittle and it did not roll up, or bunch up very well. I feel like I would have been better off using some of there to-go bags as toilet paper. At least I would have known how shitty the bag was to use, and I probably would have been better off.

So as you may suspect the bathroom had manual everything. The toilet flusher, the sinks, and the soap dispensers all were manual. Now I have kind of gotten away from going into detail about the handwashing experience, mostly because it is kind of drab to be honest. If something does not stand out to me I will usually just say it was automatic, or manual and just go about writing my review. With that in mind, you needed to have the strength of a thousand gorillas to be able to get any soap out of that damn dispenser. I know I said it was old, but my God that thing was beyond ancient. I am sure President Grant must have used this thing, it seemed that old. The amount of soap that actually came out of it is laughable. It took me at least four pumps to get enough soap on my hands to feel comfortable enough to wash the poo-water off of my hands. The other thing that got me was the equally old air dryer installed in this place. I do not think the place is that old, so how in the hell did they get such an old air-dryer? It is a “World Dryer” brand air-dryer. It is like the owner went to the Salvation Army and found a used air dryer on clearance. Get a fucking Dyson and be done with it you cheap prick…

OK so that is that. I came, I shat, I left. Really there was nothing more to it than that. So now that you know about my shit, let us get into The Secret Shitter Review. All of these categories are out of a possible five stars, so let the games begin…

Number of Stalls: 1

Stall Comfort: 3

Accessibility: 3

Cleanliness: 4.5

Décor: 2

Toilet Paper Quality: 1

Busyness: 1

 

Overall Rating: 2

A number two rating on taking a number two at the Wendy’s in Revere. The numbers and math do not lie. The toilet paper sucked, and the décor sucked. This bathroom is so clean because nobody outside of myself is dumb enough to use it. The food is debatable but this is not a place to review food, this is a place to review bathrooms. Now I do have a love for the chicken nuggets there, especially the spicy ones. That is not the point however. If you go into one of these establishments, chances are you are going to have to shit right after eating the food. This happens with me all the time. As soon as it goes in, it goes right out. It is not the worst bathroom in the complex, but it is not the best either. There are other options which favor your asshole more than Wendy’s. If you are in a pinch, but cannot make the short run across the parking lot, then I guess this is a place to shit.

So now I am gearing up for our new book: The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Volume 2: Electric Poogaloo, I would like to thank all the people who purchased our first book! If you have not already done so, go to amazon and type in- The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 1. Buy the book. I am looking to expand upon the state of Massachusetts, and you can help bring The Secret Shitter to a different part of New England! All sales from the books go directly into funding me to go someplace else. If you are in the town of Winthrop, Massachusetts then you can go down to the Winthrop Book Depot and purchase our book from that retailer! Plus, you can get some kick-ass coffee while you are there. You will also be supporting local business to boot. So just go down there and buy the book! Supplies are limited down there, so go before someone else does and buy our stuff!

 

 

Christmas Tree Shop – Assembly Row

Don’t you just, love the shitter? No that wasn’t a rhetorical question, that was me shamelessly trying to fit in my website to the jingle of our next location; The Christmas Tree Shop in Assembly Row. Now I am no stranger to the Assembly Row Marketplace, which is located in Somerville Massachusetts. I am trying to go for covering every bathroom in the entire area, and I think I am almost done. That isn’t really important right now. What is important is that we go and investigate another pooper.

So what exactly is The Christmas Tree Shops? Well it is a subsidiary of the Bed, Bath, and Beyond chain. It is a bargains and closeout type store serving the east coast. It has eighty-three locations, and its’ headquarters are located in Yarmouth Port, Massachusetts*. At one point in my life I used to spend the summers down in Yarmouth Port with my Aunt Christine and Uncle Todd. It is your atypical Cape Cod small town. Little cottages, and surrounded by the ocean. It is a wonderful place to stay in the summer, but awful in the winter.

Ok so I kind of got off track there. I didn’t actually go to the headquarters; I went to one of the outlets located in Somerville. The store itself is really cool. I enjoy going in there and getting rooster-themed items for my kitchen, and I really don’t have to spend a whole lot of money to do so. But this isn’t about kitchens, this is about shitters. I felt the effects of my Iced Coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts percolate in my tummy while I was perusing the aisles, so I decided that I would seek out a place to lay down some of my own brown bargains.

The bathroom here is sort of hard to find. It is in the back of the store next to the kitchen stuff. There is a large sign that says; “Bathroom” so it is perfectly a-ok to go drop a duce in here. No purchase needed to use the bathroom, you just need to find it. OK so when you find the sign, there is a small hallway, and both restrooms are located on the right hand side.

When you walk into the restroom is rather large. It was larger than I was expecting with two stalls and two urinals located inside. One stall was normal sized, and the other was a handicap one. I shouldn’t need to say which one I used, because if you haven’t figured it out yet, I used the handicap stall.

Now the stall itself was large. It was rectangular in shape, and was the length of the entire back wall. I enjoyed the actual size of the stall itself. However, there was no coat hook to hang up my bag and jacket. But located in the handicap stall was a baby changing station. That is kind of smart to be honest. Most baby changing stations are located outside of stalls in full public view. I don’t think I have ever encountered anyone actually using one before, but I would imagine that I would want a little privacy when it comes to that. So after inspecting the station for any poo-remnants, I laid my jacket and bag on it. Sometimes you have to improvise.

Ok so I went and I unleashed a cascade of my aerial anal assault and I noticed how dirty the bathroom itself was. There was more than your typical amount of toilet paper scattered about the bathroom. It was like someone took a quarter of the roll and just threw it all over the place. What was even more concerning to me was it looked like someone tried to take out one of those toilet seat cover things, and try to stuff it back into the box. Not only that but there was a wet floor sign inside of the bathroom which indicated to me that an employee went in to clean it, and didn’t bother cleaning up the toilet paper scattered all over the ground. There could have just been some asshole who decided to wreck the place after the dude cleaned it too, but I guess we will never know.

    OK so as I was sitting there shitting, I will say this bathroom is busy, and loud. There were a total of four people who walked in there. One of which had a child who wouldn’t shut the fuck up. It was a little girl from what I could gather and all she was babbling about was some stupid toy she wanted. The guy literally couldn’t get a word in edge-wise, except for the “be quiet please”. However, yours truly stunted her stammering with my anal assault, then they realized that they were not alone. The girl kept saying things like “daddy that is gross” and “oh my god daddy what is that smell”. I sat there kind of giggling to myself as the little girl was saying that, and before I knew it, they were gone from the bathroom.

Ok so the décor of the place was a little weird, and not in the good way. They had these olive colored tiled walls with white accent tiles, and they had a grey floor. To be honest the color scheme made the bathroom feel kind of dank and smaller than it actually was. The whole room itself felt like it was so claustrophobic. I really didn’t like it at all.

After my shit was complete I had the duty to wipe my ass. Unfortunately for me, this bathroom had that really cheap two ply, sandpaper-like toilet paper. The kind that rips my asshole to shreds. I shudder when I think of such shitty toilet paper. I know it is a closeout store, but they can’t get any better toilet paper?

Well the kind of cool thing was there were plungers in each stall. I guess when you are selling them for $2.99 you can afford to go and leave them in your bathrooms. I would do the same if I ever had a public toilet, only I would make a sign saying it was the customer’s duty to clean their duty. I should be an advertising agent or something like that.

So after using the manual flusher, sink, and soap I went to leave the bathroom when something in the top corner caught my eye. There seemed to be two motion sensor type air freshener dispensers. Both of which were not working because even at the entrance at the other end of the bathroom I could still smell my beefy dook like it was still coming out of my asshole.

Ok so now you know all about that bathroom, so why don’t we get into The Secret Shitter’s Review. Now remember that all of these categories are out of a possible five. Let’s begin shall we?

 

Number of Stalls: 2

Stall Comfort: 3

Accessibility: 2

Cleanliness: 2

Décor: 2

Toilet Paper Quality: 2

Busyness: 4

 

Overall Rating: 2

So the Christmas Tree Shop scored a two out of a possible five when it came to our ratings. It wasn’t very clean. It also wasn’t very accessible, which was good. However, the bargain basement toilet paper is something that really sank this ship. Not only that but it was fucking busy in there, and that little girl wouldn’t shut the fuck up and let me (or her dad) shit in peace. I liked the idea of what they were trying to do with the décor in this bathroom, but it really wasn’t working. I give them an A+ for thinking outside of the box with their color scheme, but really it isn’t doing the bathrooms any favors. The stall was roomy, but what good is that if there is no place to hang your jacket? Had there been baby shit on that changing station I would have been shit out of luck and had to place my coat and bag on the ground, which was wet, and had fucking wads of toilet paper all over it. Also who the hell decides that they don’t want the paper toilet seat cover? And why wouldn’t you just throw the fucking thing out? Why did you have to attempt to stuff it back into the box? We all know that things don’t go back into the box like it came out, so unless you are some sort of bathroom wizard, don’t fucking do it. Just throw the god damn thing out. If you are shopping in the store and need a place to shit, this is a bathroom. I would advise you to use the one in the parking garage, but if you can’t hold it, this one will just have to do, but do not think that you are going to get any five star accommodations here. Until next time, Peace.

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OK so you read the review, and bought the book, so now what? Why don’t you share the site with your friends and you guys can laugh together at my misfortune of using terrible bathrooms? You can do that by sharing each post, in face there is probably a share button below this writing. You literally just have to press the button. I don’t care if it is on Tumblr, Twitter, Grider, or Facebook, just help me spread the word. Thanks again for reading and see you next week.

 

*Information about Christmas Tree Shops and Corporate Headquarters came from Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas_Tree_Shops

Winthrop Public Library

             It is about high time that I review a bathroom from my good old hometown of Winthrop Massachusetts. Winthrop is the little island suburb right outside of Boston. Ok so you most likely haven’t heard of it. Have you heard of East Boston and Revere? Yup we are right next to those towns. It is convenient to Logan Airport, and it is right along the MBTA’s Blue Line. But I am not here writing a welcome letter for the town (if you would like me to, um you can email me, but it is going to cost you). No people I am here to find a bathroom to take a dook in. Even in my small town, while I am running around doing my errands I still need to poop sometimes, and that brings me to our next location, The Winthrop Public Library.

I like going to the Library. There is a small museum which I am sure is open sometimes, if you ask, and what it is in it, well I have no idea. But I do like to read, but I am not allowed to take books out due to the fact that I owe them money from a late book I forgot to bring back. I think it was on Ham Radio, but either way, that is not the point of the story. See nestled in the basement, up the ramp from the children’s department, there is a little bookstore. It is surprisingly stocked with a lot of books and LP’s. Sometimes you can find some cool stuff down their dirt cheap. I got a bunch of pictures from an amateur astral photographer for like five bucks. But again, that is not the point of the story. I was browsing some of the books when I felt the urge to drop some literary logs of my own. Thus we begin…

    So to gain access to the restroom you need to go and speak with the person who is working in the children’s wing of the library. There is a key attached to a large piece of wood that they will give you. When you secure the key, you can begin to write some brown poems of your own.

To find the restroom is quite easy. There is a big fucking sign that says “Bathrooms” with an arrow, and two clearly marked doors. If you got the key, then I have faith in you that you can find the bathroom. I mean you don’t have to be a rocket scientist to find it.

Next thing you will notice is once you open the door, you will be met with a rather roomy single bathroom for your pooping pleasure. This bathroom is massive. Although my memory is a tad hazy, I do not clearly remember whether or not this bathroom had coat hooks in them or not. But don’t worry, the bathroom is so big that you can lay your backpack down on one side and have zero fear of any poo-water getting anywhere near your belongings.

      The walls in the bathroom are absolutely atrocious. They are dark grey in color, and are in terrible need of a fresh coat of paint. I mean it looks like no one has paid attention to this bathroom in about twenty years. Do not even get me started on the tiles in here. Well actually I guess I have to get started If I want to do a thorough review. Do you remember when you were in high school? Do you remember what the floors looked like? Ok now that you have that picture in your head, that is the exact same style that the floors are made of. Very drab, and not anything to write home about. To be honest you can’t tell if they are dirty or just old. It is most likely the latter because the bathroom didn’t have any sort of debris in them. The bathroom appeared to be clean.

The next thing we have to address is the toilet. Man maybe we American’s are not build like we used to be. I am pretty sure that Andre the Giant’s feet would be dangling off of this high rise pooper. It is very rare that I write about the height of a toilet, but something about my feet dangling off of one makes me a tad uneasy. I know no one can bust through and come in, but damn. We are talking a good four to five inches off of the ground. I damn near needed a ladder to get up there.

Enough about my height issues, let’s move on to the final crescendo in our public pooper review, the toilet paper. I could tell by looking that this toilet paper that my asshole was going to feel as though it had been raked through fire glass, and boy was I right! This is the standard Uncle Sam’s Sandpaper Medium Grit # 172 in lieu of where the toilet paper should be. Government issued anything sucks donkey balls, let alone toilet paper. I would hate to know what they give out at Red Cross Camps around the world to people. But that is a whole totally different story unto itself.

So after I finished wiping and crying I had to flush the toilet myself like a gawd dang farmer. To make matters worse I had to turn on the faucet like a peasant. As I returned the key to the front desk I scurried off into the sunset bow-legged with the memory of that dastardly toilet paper etched into my soul…

So now that we have all of the info that we need let us start The Secret Shitter Five Star Review…

Number of Stalls: 1

Accessibility: 2

Stall Comfort: 4

Cleanliness: 4

Toilet Paper Quality: 1

Décor: 2

Busyness: 1

Overall Rating: 2.25

Yup that was a toilet, and I pooped in it. That is the sentiment that I hold when I think of the Winthrop Public Library. The pros to this toilet is its’ seclusion everything else just sucks about it. But it really isn’t the Library’s fault. Something something public funding. I don’t expect a whole lot when I go into government buildings. I expect there to be a toilet to use which was state of the art in the 1970’s, and when you go in with that expectation, then you really cannot be disappointed. I mean the only good thing about this is that I didn’t have anyone banging on the door to get in. Most likely because I was in a small town library. If I was going about my business in town and I needed to crap, would I come back? Sure I mean we have seen worse shitters here, but I would totally try to find another spot if I had the option, or I could go home and poop. That might have been a better option.

OK so you know what is great about the library? There are tons of books to read! You know who else has a book? US!!! You can mosey on over to Amazon and pick up The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Volume 1, it is never too late to be in the know. There are literally dozens of people who have been satisfied by our poop knowledge. So go and buy the book today, be a trendsetter.

Something something if you like what you read share it on social media. I am only one man. So if you like it, share it!

Remember until next time… Peace.

South Station

               Finally, The Secret Shitter has come back to… South Station, on my never ending adventure to find the perfect bathroom I decided that I would try my hand at another MBTA train station, as you know from the North Station review, that didn’t end up too well for my anus. However maybe my luck has finally turned for the better, as I dare enter the bathrooms at South Station.

Photo: The Secret Shitter

               Now South Station is a meeting hub for the southern Commuter Rail line which services as far south as Providence Rhode Island. It is also a connection for the MBTA’s Red line train, and Silver line bus service. It also serves as a bus hub into Boston, and has Amtrak connections as well. So as you can imagine, this station is a very busy one.

               The bathroom itself is not hard to find. As you walk in through the main doors, you will enter a threshold where the food court is located. Upon entering this threshold, if you turn your attention to your immediate right, you will find the men’s room right there.

               Now once you get into the bathroom you will be met with a dazzling array of six stalls to choose from. What comes to my mind appeared in something similar in a book I read recently, The Tibetan Book of the Dead (TBOTD). Supposedly in the TBOTD when you are faced with choosing the next realm of rebirth you are shown six lights, each varying with color denoting the different realms one could be born into. Some are of the God realm, the Anti-God realm, the Human Realm, the Animal Realm, the Realm of the Anguished Spirits, and the Hell Realm.  Choosing a toilet in South Station is very similar in fashion, one might find itself in a heavenly toilet, or you could stumble into a venerable toilet hell. I guess your past actions of food consumption will guide you into which realm you will be using.

               As you might guess this bathroom is not the quietest spot to drive the poo-train to Browntown. Even at night this place was fucking busy as hell. There was a constant symphony of toilets flushing almost every second I was in there. There was also the unmistakable hum of air dryers, and sinks being used. If you are skittish about your Yiddish, I would suggest looking elsewhere to take a shit. Honestly, I am just being real with you; this place is not for the faint of heart.

Photo: The Secret Shitter

               Now I will say the bathroom was kind of cleaner than I thought at first glance. The bathroom had some minor issues like; toilet paper on the floor, and some unidentified water seeping and oozing around, but nothing can prepare you for the heinous smell which is in this facility. It smelt like the bathroom of a thousand shits, and pisses. I mean this is some serious bad stuff right here.

               As I said before the bathroom was large, and the stalls were no different. They were rectangular in fashion, and sort of wider than normal. However at first I was unable to fully concentrate due to the fact that the latch would not lock all the way on the door and the coat hanger was broken off on the door. The light grey floors looked pretty clean, so I wasn’t hesitant in laying my bag down beside me. I was more concerned with some commuter popping open the door and exposing me, pants around my ankles to some onlookers. But I will say the grey floors and the silver stall dividers totally made the bathroom appear smaller, and roomier than you first might think.

               Now normally I really do not go into great detail about the shit I take. I am usually just doing a casual poo, and I snap some pics of the inside of the stall and take some notes, on a stock note taking app on my phone. However my notes from this poo were mostly concentrated on the shit itself. I didn’t think that I had to shit that badly, and to be quite honest I wouldn’t even be able to recall what I ate that day. My mind just simply doesn’t work like that. I am usually a big picture kind of guy and am usually just able to recall snippets of things. But boy howdy, did this shit fucking stink. It started innocently enough, a little log here, a little log there, and some tiny high-pitched farts echoed from the third stall. I think it was pushing those poos out of the way, that in essence I took that little Dutch Boy’s thumb from the proverbial hole in my anus’ dam. What was released next could only be described as a hate crime against toilets. The amount of shit that came out of my one hundred and twenty pound body was enormous. So big in fact that when the assault was finally over, the poo reached heights above water. I literally created a shit mountain that almost touched my asshole. It was so large it was almost kissing my anus. Now the sheer height of my shit was not the only monster lurking in this venue. When I tell you the smell could have gagged a gaggle of small geese, it was so bad in fact I had to lift my own shirt up over my nose. The stench was heavy and thick. It was almost reminiscent of a hazy fog. I could hear the casuals praying to their Gods for mercy. I honestly must tell you that this smell was so thick it could have somehow attach itself to peoples clothing. The poor motherfuckers on the Silver Line heading to Logan Airport must have been mortified by the fog that was surrounding me. I felt like Pigpen from the Peanuts comics on my long commute home.

Photo: The Secret Shitter

               After a shit that nasty, I shuddered to think of what kind of sandpaper-like toilet paper awaited my anus. To my udder shock, the toilet paper was actually really nice! It was of the two ply plush variety, and it had little bumps in it to give it that extra soft touch. It was like I really entered into the Realm of the Gods. I believe my shitting karma finally gave me a big break here. This paper felt as though it was sent by the Gods, handcrafted for my sore behind.

               Now this toilet is no stranger to the anal danger. It took every last bit of shit down with one mighty powerful flush. I was in shock and awe. Now upon getting up and grabbing my belongings I did mention earlier that the bathroom was atypically clean, nothing totally out of the ordinary that one wouldn’t expect in such a large bathroom. However, something in the corner of the toilet caught my eye. There was a fucking pair of rolled up socks just chilling out there for all to see. I know that I should have taken my shoes and socks off in a feeble attempt to try to mask the smell of the butt-fog which was emanating from my stall. However I digress.

               I went to go and try to rid my hands of the poo remains that might be left over. I noticed that the front façade of one of the sinks was cracked and falling down. Inside of that sink was a small lake of clogged up water from countless hands over the course of the day. Everything was automatic in the hand washing station. To my delight, there were no paper towels, but a Dyson Airblade hand dryer! If you are unfamiliar with these apparatus’ they have small oval openings in the middle of the until that you place your hands into open-palm style, and pull up and down while jets of air hit you from two sides.

Photo: The Secret Shitter

               So now that you know all about my awful monstrous dump, we can go on to The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review.

Number of Stalls: 6

Toilet Paper Quality: 3

Stall Comfort: 2.5

Busyness: 5

Décor: 2

Cleanliness: 2

Accessibility: 4

Overall Rating: 2.5

              

I am giving the South Station Shitter a commendable (for the MBTA) 2.5. I went and did the poo-do at night, so I am taking that into account here. If I were to base this off of my entire experience, than I would probably give it a 3 to 3.5. However I know in the morning rush hours that this bathroom is going to get more smashed than a $2 hooker. I mean it was kind of clean, but things were broken inside. One

sink was completely clogged, and the façade was falling off of it. Another shocking thing that I found was that upon first inspection, the restroom seemed to be fairly clean. I did find a pair of rolled up socks hidden in the corner of the toilet. There was also a man who seemed to be changing in the next stall, maybe the socks rolled out of his duffle bag? I don’t have the answers to these things. I am going to assume that the bathrooms here will resemble the one that I found in North Station at the height of rush hour. Although this bathroom has way more stalls, it still doesn’t make up for some peoples lack of hygiene. So with this review in the books, we turn the page, hopefully to something a little better.

Photo: The Secret Shitter

Quincy Market

         

Exterior Shot, Photo: Secret Shitter

Quincy Market is another one of Boston’s landmarks turned-tourist-trap. It shares the same property as Faneuil Hall. While Faneuil Hall is the Mall, Quincy Market would be the food court. Most of the restaurants that inhabit this place are along the middle walkway of the building. There are a few sit down restaurants including; Dick’s Last Resort, Cheers, and Wangamama. Most of the restaurants inside are set up side-by-side in different stalls. There is one large rotunda located in the center of the building where you can sit down and enjoy your meal. That is if you can find a seat to call your own.

     Now with all this said and done it is time  to get down to the brown business of sorts. The Secret Shitter spares no one when it comes to my pooping follies, and why would Quincy Market be any different? So how exactly does one get to this place? Well you have to be on the right side of the building. It is the same side where the Urban Outfitters is located. Now they are doing some work on the building so the traditional way to get to the shitters is blocked off. You have to enter in the door by the WangamamaNoodle place. You turn to your right, keeping the push carts on your left, and walk straight down until you can walk any more. You will see an illuminated sign that points down the short flight of stairs that says “bathrooms”.

Door you need to enter, photo: Secret Shitter

         

                Now thankfully I went a little later in the night. It is not unusual to have to wait in line to use the bathroom here. This place is jam-packed with people and it reflects in the number of toilets they have on premise. This place has a total number of four stall to choose from. Three of which are regular, and the other one is a handicap stall. I shat here on two different occasions and used both; the handicap stall, and one of the regular ones. This particular article doesn’t really make a difference which stall you use because the outcome will remain the same except the handicap stall has more legroom.

                One of the first things I noticed after getting into the bathroom was the overpowering smell of piss. It was like someone just whipped out their Willy and decided to mark the entire bathroom as their territory. Now I don’t think it was just someone pissing all over the stalls, this bathroom also has like ten urinals inside, so that is a lot of people taking a piss.

                As I sat down there I couldn’t help but feel like a countdown clock had been started. This bathroom is busy at all hours of the day and night. There is a constant sound of the air dryers going off. I used this to my advantage by having the air dryer mask the sounds of my meaty shit. This particular day I demolished the toilet, I am sure my father is looking down on me with his heart bursting with pride. So as I said I felt like the countdown clock had been started. This is because I got at least four knocks at the door by people looking to use the shitter. If you cannot poop under pressure and get nervous when others are nearby, I would suggest finding a more secluded spot to take your dump.

Leftover TP, Photo: Secret Shitter

                The décor in here was really nothing to write home about. Actually it was rather bland. It did look decent as a bathroom could be but there seemed to be no ambition on the part of the designers. The walls were white. They were also tiled. The floor was green with what looked like black speckled pebbles intertwined in the tile design. I liked it to be honest, but I have a trained eye. If you were to just walk in here and pee or shit quickly than the floor would appear to be a dark green. The stall dividers were of the customary silver plated variety. Again this bathroom is more for convenience than for looks.

                However for how busy this bathroom was, it was very well maintained all things considered. There were wet spots blotted all over the floor but I was expecting that and wasn’t too shocked to find them. All the toilet paper rolls were filled and looked well maintained. Nothing in this bathroom seemed to be out of order. However I did overhear someone talking to themselves in the adjacent stall saying, “how the hell did they get this much piss all over the place”? So take my word here with a grain of salt. There are a number of different stalls, and I might have just been lucky on this day.

                Now with a bathroom that goes through this many people one would think that they would have one of those sandpaper-esq toilet papers. I am proud to report to you that this place had average quality two ply toilet paper. It definitely is not going to win them any awards, but it is not the worst that has touched my bum.

                With the majority of the review all wrapped up, I guess it is that time again for The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Review. Now remember that this system is out of a possible five (5) stars.

Number of Stalls: 4

Toilet Paper Quality: 3

Stall Comfort: 1

Busyness: 5

Décor: 2

Cleanliness: 3

Accessibility: 3

Overall Rating: 2

 

Secret Shitter’s Shitty Map, Quincy Market

                Quincy Market scored a two on the Secret Shitter’s Review. There are a few reasons for and against giving it this low of a score. But it is my blog and I make the rules, so that is my story and I am sticking to it. See I like to find stalls that are out of the way. I liken it to an adventure, if you will. Now I knew walking in here that I wasn’t going to score it very high. I had used this bathroom hundreds of times on my walks to Aquarium MBTA Station when I used to drink. It is convenient and it is open for a good chunk of the day, and nobody is going to give you shit for using it. However, this bathrooms’ busyness factor is the sole reason it scored so low; if the number of stalls wasn’t any indication. Now I really could give a shit less whether or not the bathroom is busy. If I got to go, I got to go. But man, was this bathroom off the chain. There were people changing in there, and to top it off I got the door knocked on at least four times. That has to be some kind of record. Now remember this bathroom had three additional stalls, and I was still having my door knocked on several times. I don’t know if it was junkies, or homeless people (who were changing in the bathroom) but people, give me a fucking break! I am trying to take a shit here, and I am not going to hurry my experience when I have important reporter stuff to do! That is why this bathroom scored so low. Now, if I were a power-dumper, than this place would be perfect for me. But I like to savor the flavors in life and take my time doing so. Plus it always wigs me out when people start knocking on the door. I feel almost scared in a way. I mean all there is blocking them from coming in is a hallow piece of aluminum, which could easily be kicked in. If I were a thieve, I would be robbing people blind while they had their pants around their ankles. What the hell are you going to do, stand up and fight with your pants around your ankle and your dick blowing in the wind? Well yeah, I totally got off topic there, but you get my point nonetheless. So if you are looking for a place to take a quick piss, this bathroom is awesome, but if you are looking to take a dump, and it turns out you might be a while. Than I would really consider finding a different bathroom, however in times of need, this is a perfectly serviceable place to lay down your brown seed. Alright people thanks for reading and remember that your shit time is your time, and don’t compromise it for anyone!

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Kmart (Assembly Row, Somerville)

                As I was printing out some pictures of the local beach, I was in need of some new picture frames to house them. As you know from last week’s post I went to the Assembly Row Parking Garage while I was en route back to the Assembly MBTA Station. I had a bad experience with the AC Moore’spicture frame I got last week. The nails were too small to hammer and hold the picture hanger into place. Although the frame did look nice once I put my picture in it. However with a fresh batch of prints I was in need of more frames of various sizes. I didn’t want to settle on the dollar store ones either. So I decided I would head over to The Christmas Tree Shop to see if they had any on sale (which they did in case you were wondering). However, The Christmas Tree Shop is located at the far end of Assembly Row. As I started at the first store I felt a bubbling building up inside which I was no longer able to contain. I was too far away from the Parking Garage Bathroom, but the cosmos must have been in my favor because I looked up, and saw my next destination; The Kmart of Assembly Row.

The sign to lead me home photo: The Secret Shitter

               Ah yes, Kmart, the not quite as successful older brother of Wal-Mart. They provide pretty much the same type of retail items. And if you have never been to one, or heard of a Kmart, I am not going to bore you with the details. I needed a place to poop, and I needed it now!

                As I head in, I turn left at the major intersection; it is funny how these stores herd you around them like a really bad traffic loop. I make the right past the seasonal items, and embossed on a bright red sign reads; “Bathrooms”.

“Yes, this is it”, I thought to myself.

I was in final warning mode now, which meant I needed to get to the shitter, and fast.

The Bathroom in all of its’ glory Photo; The Secret Shitter

                The men’s room is the last door straight ahead after you go past a small hallway which houses the employee break room, and a managers’ office. Don’t be fooled! The ladies room is down this hall, but the men’s room is not. You must keep on trucking keeping the ball house to your right, and enter in the final door on your left.

                I was relieved to find that the bathroom was completely unoccupied. If it hadn’t been I would really feel bad for the poor blokes that were in there with me. Now looking around I went straight for the handicap stall. There were only two stalls in this bathroom completely, so I really didn’t have a choice in the matter. I latched the door shut and I put my trusty Chrome Backpack up on the coat hanger for safe keeping. Now even though this bathroom looks as though it was modeled after the old Bradley’s bathroom, this coat hanger was sturdy as ever.

                I sat down on a lower-than-normal toilet admiring the waded up toilet paper that had been sitting in the corner since Lord-knows-when. Upon further investigation it didn’t seem to have any brown markings on it typical of the white trash that roams the sales Serengeti. There was a plunger nestled into the corner as well. I was glad I spotted it in case the poop demons decided that they did not want to cross over.

a throne Photo; The Secret Shitter

                Sitting on this throne, I knew that my shit would be swift and boisterous. As I buckled down, I took some time to admire my surroundings. There was a very saddening dark grey, grey, and white color scheme which permeated around me. This place reminds me of a hospital shitter, except less sanitary. All the while I was sitting there I did notice something, that this bathroom was completely quiet. The only things I could hear, other than my own thoughts, were the sounds of distressed cashiers calling for supervisors to give them change over the public address system. Throughout the course of my swift bowel actions, only one person came in. They took a quick piss, and (without washing their hands) left post haste.

                While I was taking this all in, I turned to the large roll of toilet paper nuzzled into the bar which was to my right. I did my patented squeeze test, and immediately felt even worse. This toilet paper felt think and brittle, that stood no chance against the guardians of my nether-garden. On this day however, I would find redemption in the form of the still filled toilet paper roll sitting neatly in its’ container. I did the squeeze test again and was overcome with elation! This was good average quality padded two ply paper! Ah yes, it was like nectar to my sweet anus’ ears. I briskly wiped and flushed down the brown using my foot on the manual flusher.

Old Glory Herself Photo; The Secret Shitter

                I grabbed my bag and I headed for the wash station. Directly opposite the baby changing station one can find the analog sink and soap dispenser. After using the sink I turned to the paper towels to dry my hands with. After doing that task I noticed on the wall next to the baby changing station was the air dryer. This was an old decrepit model which was unfit to dry my meaty paws. I tapped on the button for shits and giggles to see if the old dog still had life left in it. Confirming my suspicions it let off this sort of old howl, like an air conditioner that is about to die. Yes it worked, but for how long is anyone’s guess.

                I finished my poop by browsing some of the isles, but I had no intention to actually purchase something. I only did so to not raise suspicions about my dastardly booty objectives.

                So now that you have heard from me, I guess it is that time of the post where we break down the bathroom, blow for blow. Remember The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Reviewis out of a possible five (5) stars. Let us begin.

Number of Stalls: 2

Toilet Paper Quality: 3

Stall Comfort: 3

Busyness: 1.5

Décor: 1

Cleanliness: 2.5

Accessibility: 2

Overall Rating: 2.5

                Here as you can see the Kmart of Assembly Row got a measly 2.5score. If you and the fam are out and about bargain hunting here, this is a perfectly acceptable shitter. You are not going to catch any butt-bugs, although I did notice a cleaning log on the door that was left completely blank. I am going to say that they keep those logs in the back room. If you are going on a lavatory sight-seeing trip this bathroom is nothing special to write home about. The décor is a bore. It is bland and it is tacky. This bathroom looks completely old, even though that particular Kmart hasn’t been there for very long, or maybe it has, I am really not an authority on Assembly Row, just a patron. I wouldn’t hesitate to use this bathroom if I was in there, but I would much rather hold it for greener pastures, like the Assembly Row Parking Garage. Well there you have it folks, an ordinary shitter, which is nothing to write home about. It serves its’ job, and sometimes when you get that collect call from Mother Nature, that is all you truly need. Happy Shitting folks!

 

An Unmarked Cleaning List Photo: The Secret Shitter

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The Boston Public Library (Main Branch)

exterior shot of the BPL and the entrance you need to use photo credit; The Secret Shitter

The hallowed halls of The Boston Public Library (BPL) boasts one of Boston’s largest collection of books, and its’ crapper is now next on our victim list. The branch of the BPLthat I will be reviewing today is the main branch located right outside of the Copley MBTA Station. The BPLis located on 700 Boylston Street. It is home to many programs for people of all ages, a café, and a map museum. Now that you know the skinny, let’s go find us a place to dump down some Minnesota Fats.

     OK so the way to this particular pooper is through the side entrance where the St. James Church is; that is the church next to the John Hancock Building. The shitter itself is a tad confusing to find. So if you are in a rush, I urge you to quell your frenzy, stop, and take some deep breaths. This bathroom isn’t that hard to find, but if you are rushing around you could miss one of the small print signs that point the way. Use these signs like a sea captain uses the North Star, keep them directly ahead of you and you will find your destination.

When you enter the bathroom, you will notice something odd, it only has one stall. So I suggest you save the sightseeing for after, and head right in. Upon entering the lone latrine, you will notice how spacious, bright, and clean the facility is. There is a latch which I used to shut the door; it was an odd one too. Instead of a left-to-right, or a button-type latch, there was a full metal bar you bring over the door in a counter-clockwise motion. It is very old and outdated design indeed. I was carrying my dslr bag with me (to attempt to grab some tremendous exterior shots for this site, your welcome by the way), and when I went to go and hang it from the door something seemed amiss. The coat hanger had been broken off of the door! Luckily this stall was so large that it had a larger-than-normal frosted glass picture window complete with a ledge, which I just placed my bag on. I tend to hang things up because I am always unsure as to the identification of liquid which is on some floors of public toilets. Remember it is better to be safe than sorry.

the view from the throne photo credit: The Secret Shitter

Now the toilet itself was clearly an old toilet the ones you are used to seeing in your old public schools. I am pretty sure that any government building still uses the same uniform toilets, but I will publish my findings when I gather all of the appropriate data. Either way the toilet is very low to the floor. As I was air dropping some toadstools down to the majestic lake below, I could now sit and soak up the sights and sounds bouncing around me.

First of all I would like to commend the BPL for using a very unique stall divider. It looks like a red granite countertop, and it makes for a very nice contrast to the staunch décor of yesteryear. I truly enjoyed the single grey and red tile pattern that encircled the restroom along with the red faux granite stall divider, which made this bathroom one of the most eye pleasing to date.

Now throughout my sightseeing journey I could not help but notice how horribly busy this bathroom was. Children complaining to their parents, and flush after flush of endless tourists rushing in unison to use the lavatory. If you are one of those timid poopers, I might suggest finding a more secluded bathroom someplace else. Who knows, there might even be additional bathrooms located in this massive facility. If there is, you bet your buns The Secret Shitter will be going back for a rehash.

Now that I was done chopping the brown log down to size, my sightseeing journey is nearing an end, I turn my attention to the toilet paper conundrum. I always call it a conundrum because you are never truly sure if you will have an ample supply or the caliber of product. The initial TP test yielded my worst fears; this is government issued toilet paper. Cheap and one ply to boot this is your government at work. There is nothing lavish about the quality of paper in this facility. It gave yours truly instant aggravation to the anal region. Something I do not look forward to, but hey I do have a service to my readers, and I will make certain I give you all of the details; whether you enjoy it, or not.

a view to where the restrooms are photo credit; The Secret Shitter

After the task of brushing my bum with Uncle Sam’s Sandpaper, I headed out of my stall and to my chagrin there was a line of people headed out of the door. The only saving grace is that most of these people are probably not from the area, so I have a low probability that they will recount the tale of my butt trumpet blasting notes. As I sauntered over to the handwashing area I started the methodical process of washing my hands. Much to my surprise the automatic faucet was on high blast. I have never felt the force of water come down on my hand from such machinery. This quality of this faucet is most likely due to the downgrade in tp (or I would like to think). The hand drying station left me substantially disappointed with its longstanding cheap air dryer. You probably know which ones I am talking about. They are the old school style air dryers that have the option to dry your hair and face. Why anyone would need to do that is beyond me, but I digress.

Now that we have done the dirty deed, it is time for The Secret Shitter’s five star review, now remember everything is out of a possible five stars. Lets’ begin:

Number of Stalls: 1 (literally and figuratively)

Toilet Paper Quality: 1

Stall Comfort: 4

Busyness: 5

Décor: 3.5

Cleanliness: 4

Accessibility: 2.5

Overall Rating: 2.5

The overall rating of The Boston Public Library is a below-average 2.5 stars. I was tempted to go a tad higher but my fingers and my anus memory will not let me do such a thing. If you can actually read the little signs directing you to the bathroom, than congratulations, you are a winner! However if you are in dire straits, and grandpa just got out of the local senior meeting, you are shit out of luck. With the bathroom that has this much turnover I am surprised that there is only one stall in this room. It is most likely due to the fact that the building is old, and our government is inefficient. You couple that with the government-issue one ply tissue, and you have a bad recipe a-brewing. Even though there clearly was some thought put into the aesthetics of the anal arena, if that is the only upside to your bathroom than you will lose points in my rating every damn time! So in conclusion, if you are a tourist looking to go and treat some turds to a night out, than this is probably your best bet. It is very clean, and it is in a government building, so you know that it is maintained at least somewhat regularly. Actually I am pretty sure it is cleaned often due to the high homeless population that surrounds the building itself. I am sure that they more than likely use this place as their home base. So folks please remember, grunt with pride, and never be ashamed to poop!

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Copley Place Mall

Deep among the  people lurked the Secret Shitter. The Copley Place Mall is home to upscale clothing boutiques and fashion outfitters. This is precisely where the Secret Shitter wants to strike. In a mall that sells Burberry and has a Tiffany & Co , it is bound to have awesome toilets right? I had felt an urgent need to find the restroom a little over a half hour after I mowed down a large Chicken Fry Value Meal at the Park Street Burger King.

A sign directing you to the hallway where the bathroom is located

The Copley Place Mall is totally free to use, and it is conveniently located around downtown Boston. You do not need to purchase anything to enter these restrooms. That is if you can find them. I had remembered that they were to the left of the waterfall on the second floor. How wrong I was. They are located on the first level down a long hallway after a Santander Bank ATM.

Every time I go to take a shit in a public toilet my go to spot is the handicap stall. However in this restroom the handicap stall’s lock did not operate properly and I was forced to use a common man’s shitter. There were only two stalls in addition to the handicap one, making it three totals.

The stall I sat in was very clean. However it wasn’t spacious by any means. If I moved my elbows up to my chest they hit the wall. Another thing that caught my attention was there was no coat hook this being the summer it is totally a non issue. However I don’t know about you, but in the winter I do not shit with my jacket on, so I need a place to store a coat. Even if there was a coat hook in this particular stall, I feel that if I hung a coat up it would wobble the door and potentially lead to either; the door swinging open, or it falling on the ground. Both of which are not good things to have going for you. The bathroom also had a good amount of traffic going through it,  I was boggled as to why there were three stalls in there. Although I am not ashamed by any means of my butt orchestra, some people are; which would make this bathroom very tense one to poop in.

A directory of the mall courtesy of http://www.simon.com

Next is the toilet paper. It wasn’t the cheap kind, but felt like a generic knock off brand two-ply. It didn’t aggravate my anus, and I was wiping quite vigorously. The toilet was an automatic flusher, and took my mighty offering in one fell swoop. The sinks were also automatic, and dispensed an adequate amount of soap and an appropriate amount of water. It took maybe one and a half cycles of water to really get the soap out. They also had paper towels in addition to the air dryers, which I am not fond of personally.

The décor in the bathroom was really nothing to write home about. It was a standard black and white tiles design with a little bit of brown thrown in there. It kind of gave the room a; look see we sort of tried, look to it.

So now that the review is done, here is the breakdown (out of a possible 5):

 • Number of stalls: 1

• Toilet Paper Quality: 3.5

• Stall comfort: 2

• Busyness: 5

• Décor: 2.5

 • Cleanliness: 4

 • Accessibility: 2

Overall Rating: 2.5

This is your pretty average run-of-the-mill bathroom. What damaged The Copley Place Mall’s overall rating is: the busyness, stall size, and accessibility. This is no secret oasis by any stretch of the imagination. However this is definitely a clean place to deposit some logs. I wouldn’t worry about catching crabs or having to hover-poop here.  In conclusion I wouldn’t hesitate to relieve my bowels here at all. I hope this helps you, and remember, grunt with pride, and never be ashamed to poop!