When you first exit the train station in Providence, the city unfolds in front of you. You are greeted with shopping malls, hotels, financial buildings, and a beautiful river. Providence is home to some world-class colleges too, such as Johnson & Wales University which is THE most recognizable name in culinary schools, RISD which is one of the better art schools in New England, then we come to another school, Brown University. How in the hell could I come to Providence and NOT go to Brown University? Well ladies and gentlemen we are going to kick off our trip to Rhode Island right, next stop, Brown University!
I got one of those little walking maps to Providence, and it had Brown University on there as a stop on their self-guided walking tour. There was also a little bathroom icon next to the University, which means there was a public restroom located inside of the place. It was number one on the GoProvidence.com’s walking tour, it was also the area furthest away, so I headed up College Hill, and I made my way home.
Now the map would lead you to believe that there is only one solitary public bathroom. However, this is not the case. The map told me that the bathroom would be accessible from Waterman Street, which technically it was. I had been holding in an Egg McMuffin all the way from South Station preparing my anus for its’ destiny. College Hill is large, and the entrance to the University was about a quarter mile down the street. I didn’t see the main opening from Waterman Street, and I got completely fucking lost.
My first bathroom trip I fucked up big time. There was an archway where you walk through that brings you to the green. They said that the bathroom would be right there, except it isn’t. There was a giant map that showed all of the classroom buildings, and all of the residence halls, but there was nothing written on the wall that said “bathroom”. No icon, no writing, no nothing. I could not take listening to my inner brown try to claw its’ way out, I had to do what I had to do, I went into the building which was opposite of the map, and I had to find the shitter, and fast!
I believe it was the admissions building, and there was a bathroom sign immediately as I walked it. “Score”, I thought to myself. This is going to be an easy one. Plus, it is a nice feather in the cap to say that The Secret Shitter laid down some brown at Brown. There are two sets of stairs, one leads up to a guy sitting in a reception desk, the other leads downstairs to some sitting areas and computers. That is where you will need to go.
When you walk down the stairs you will find an old looking door on your left. It 
will say “Men’s Room” on it, and you know you have found the right place. Well, unless you are a lady. So at first walking in, it was a sight to be seen. There were four stalls lined up against the right side wall. The handicap one was occupied, which means I would need to go and use one of the other ones. I had to make haste because even though I am not old, I totally do not look like I belong in a college. The only Brown Police I was trying to alert, were the ones patrolling my ass.
Now I do have to say that this is going to be the post with the least amount of pictures. This is due in part to some of what I have outlined above, and the other being that this bathroom was busy as fucking hell. I walked in and there were three dudes using the urinals, and another two washing their hands, and there was a lone guy in the handicap stall playing “Old Brown” on his own ass-saxophone.
Me on the other hand I had a Bruno Brown Bear of my own coming out of hibernation looking to hydrate himself in the pristine lakes of Underground Brown. I heaved and I grunted with such passion, that I am pretty sure I was scaring some of the kids. I even had one knock at the door from a concerned student asking me “if everything was alright dude”? Everything was not alright, I had an hour old South Station Egg McMuffin trying to nuzzle its’ way out of my asshole. This is just adding to the insurmountable pressure I was already feeling being in a place that I knew I shouldn’t have been in. I am in a college, without identifying myself, going into a student only bathroom. I am also trying to review it for a crapping website, making this one of the tensest reviews to date. I know I am not breaking the law, well, maybe trespassing? But I am not doing anything hazardous to anyone except paying homage to the very facility I was in.
I do have to say though with how busy this bathroom is; it’s truly amazing how clean the place was. There were two rolls of fresh TP in their holder, and there was no graffiti anywhere. The only wall writings were printed out by the tutoring department looking to see if you needed help with classes. They put them on the inside of the stall. Yeah you read that right. They put advertisement for tutoring classes on the inside wall of the stall I was in. I know I think entirely too much when I take a shit, but I have never contemplated if my studies are falling behind. How awkward of a conversation is that going to be? “Hey I um, like, saw your advertising for tutoring while I was shitting and I wanted to know if you can help me with my Organic Chemistry 101 class?”
With the tutor ads up in my grill, I had more of a chance to take in the sights around me. This bathroom was old. And I am not just saying that because Brown University is well over two-hundred years old. The bathroom was outdated as hell. They had those old-school little tiles I remember being in the CCD school back home. I am almost certain no one uses tiles of those sizes anymore. Well the walls were white, and the floor was red. Both of them were those little tiles. It looked fucking hideous.
Now that I was getting ready to finish up I had to take my attention to the toilet paper. This was government-grade two ply right here. This toilet paper ripped my asshole to shreds. It was also the kind that didn’t bunch up too well, or fold up well. It was just abysmal. Nothing was good about it. There just isn’t anything more to say about it.
I did like that the flusher gave me the option of being environmentally conscience. It was one of those flushers that you pull them up for a piss, and pull ‘em down for a Brown. They regulate water flow so it doesn’t use as much water if you pee. Again I don’t know why there aren’t more of them around, but I am starting to see them more and more in my shitty travels. The flusher is manual, and so are the sinks and soap. There were paper towels, so that was a plus.
Well now that I am done being “Ever True to Brown” it is time for me to come to the actual data. The meat and potatoes of our writings, The Secret Shitter’s Review. Now everything is out of a possible five stars, Let’s begin.
Number of Stalls: 4
Stall Comfort: 2
Accessibility: 2
Décor: 1
Cleanliness: 4
Toilet Paper Quality: 2
Busyness: 5
Overall Rating: 2
Well there you have it a measly 2 Stars to start off our trip to Providence. I had such high hopes for Brown University, I mean the college is named after shit. I would have thought that they would take their pooping as serious as their academics. But no, how sadly wrong I was. Let me count the ways at how awful this bathroom is. First you can hardly find it. If you just walked into the building and declared yourself to the kid at the desk, I doubt you would be granted entry. If you do manage that, you will be greeted with a hostile shitting environment. It isn’t a place you go to get away, you go here and you make your own Brown University, and then you leave. There is no admiring anything in here, nor should you. This bathroom sucks to be honest. Plus, as I was leaving the Brown grounds I overhead a kid saying very loudly, “this _________ is fucking forty years old and he is going to school here”? Use your imagination to fill in the blank. So not only are the students here assholes, but the college’s bathrooms suck too. Number one shithead, I am not “forty years old”. Number two, I was taking a dump in your school so I could write about it in my book. Number three, I have a book out and another one in the works. What have you d
one with your life other than write useless research papers? Come find me when you’ve accomplished something in life. Until then, kindly Go Fuck Yourself. And with that said, I think it is rather ironic that last statement conveys my exact feeling towards Brown University, please kindly go fuck yourself.
I am traveling around New England with my next edition of The Secret Shitter Guidebook series. Buy our first guidebook, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston vol. 1 to go and help support us. Or you can click the Donate button at the top of the screen. Just know that each donation and book sale helps me keep up with the website, and helps me go to other places.
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