Providence, Rhode Island: Courtyard Mariott Providence Downtown

  I was walking along in Downtown Providence past the river, and I was just sort of lost. I had every intention of conquering this city’s poopers one stall at a time but now that I am a fish out of water, and it was time for me to hunker down! As I was walking towards the financial district, trying to find the H.P. Lovecraft house, I happen to notice a sign which read, “Marriott Hotel” on the side of this brick building. There wasn’t an entrance in this place, just the sign. So my curiosity got the best of me and as I rounded the corner up a small hill I spotted our next location, The Courtyard Marriott Providence Downtown.

There were two bus’ parked on the hill leading to the front door. When I got closer to the door I noticed there were NCAA stickers plastered on every inch of the window. Apparently a portion of the Final Four tournament was being held in Providence. This hotel wanted you to know that if you were here for the NCAA then you are welcome! I walked in to the see some young college kids on the right giving out pamphlets of “things to do in Providence”. I wanted none of that. I walked right past the reception desk and turned to the hallway on my right and headed that way. Along the middle of the hallway there is a smaller one where the bathrooms are located.

When you walk into the bathroom you will notice one lone solitary stall directly
ahead of you, and a urinal on your right. I had no problems finding the joint, and I was afraid it would be busy as a bee, but it wasn’t. See everyone was trying to find their rooms or trying to find the bar, me on the other hand, I was in it for the shitter! That stall was a handicap one and it was quite large and roomy. There wasn’t a coat hook on the door, but the stall was so large and clean I could put my bag down on the floor without worrying.

I sat down to take my shit, and again I was expecting at least a couple of people to use the bathroom. I wasn’t expecting it to be so dead. The other nice thing about this bathroom was the music which was playing softly in the background. It was nice to know I could let my butt trumpet wail and there was at least a modest attempt to cover up the awful noises with some classic soft rock.

 

                Now sitting here, I had quite a bit of time to soak up the sights the bathroom had
to offer. There was a weird abstract painting of what appeared to be tie designs hanging on the wall. But it was a nice contrast to the bright red walls with beige pattern running along the wallpaper. Now the Marriott Hotel’s seem to have this odd sort of connecting rectangle pattern that you can’t really see upon first glance. I wish I took a closer picture of the design to show you what I meant because looking at my pictures it seems like the walls were just red. Go through some of my previous reviews to find The Courtyard Marriott on Memorial Drive in Cambridge Massachusetts to see the design pattern up close and personal. The only thing that differs from the Cambridge Marriott’s Bathroom to this one is the Cambridge Marriott’s color scheme was peach and black, this one was red and beige. The walls in the stall were lined with this light-brown stone-looking tiles which were totally cheap and not the real deal. You can tell by knocking on them. These seemed to be the ones that you install when you are short on money. Now the floors were the same color tone as the tiles lining the walls only they were a shade or two lighter.

                To illustrate my point about the cheapness of the whole façade we have to look no
further than the toilet paper the hotel provided. It was in one of those oversized toilet paper holders. If you don’t know anything else about toilet paper quality know this; an oversized roll means that the quality is compromised over quantity. See companies will put oversize toilet paper in here because they don’t have to change it as often. The number one thing to look for in a good toilet paper is the size of the roll. This toilet paper was not top notch by any stretch, but it did the job. It felt cheap against my cheeks and it took more than usual to clean myself to the point where I felt comfortable leaving.

The toilet flusher was a manual flush. The soap was also manual, along with the sink. The only good thing about the clean-up process was the fact that they offered paper towels to use for hand drying. Although the paper towels were thin and small which made me use a more paper towels to dry my hands then I normally would.

So now that we know all that there is to know, let us begin our Secret Shitter Review. Remember these ratings are out of a possible five stars.

Number of Stalls	1
Stall Comfort	4
Accessibility	3
Cleanliness	4
Décor	3
Busyness	1
Toilet Paper Quality	2
Total	3

 

We’re giving the Marriott Courtyard Providence Downtown a solid 3 Star rating. Some of the pros include; it is hard to find, it is not busy, and it was pretty clean. The cons on the other hand would be; the toilet paper quality. Yeah this place looked really nice, and was pretty hard to find, and they had some soft rock playing in the background. It all adds up to a better than average experience, but the carelessness of the toilet paper quality really sets this place back a few points. Now if they replaced the toilet paper brand with a better quality one, then this would easily be a 4 Star Shitter. However, this TP will rip your ass apart, and it will do so slowly, and painfully. I enjoyed both the décor, and the abstract tie painting. I was also fond of the bold colors of the bathroom. I thought it looked distinguished enough to be on the higher end of the shitter’s I’ve visited, but ultimately it comes up short. Trying to find the front door is also a bit of a challenge. This place is really hidden, and you really have to go on a trek to find it. I just wish that the end result would be better worth your time. On the other hand, if you were walking along in Downtown Providence, this place is totally good enough for you to take a shit, providing that you didn’t walk past the building. With all that in mind the housekeepers do a really good job of cleaning the place, so the bathroom has that going for it as well. On the other hand, you are given some demon-like toilet paper to wipe your ass with. So with that in mind, keep the Courtyard Marriott Downtown Providence on your pooping to-do list.

Like what you are reading? Did you know we are going to be coming out with two new books? The Secret Shitter’s Guide to New England, along with The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston Vol. 2: Electric Poogaloo. Those will be available hopefully by the end of the summer/early fall. Please remember to share the page and posts you like, and I will see all of you on Monday for our next review: Portland Maine: Starbucks on Commercial Street.

Providence Rhode Island: Brown University

        When you first exit the train station in Providence, the city unfolds in front of you. You are greeted with shopping malls, hotels, financial buildings, and a beautiful river. Providence is home to some world-class colleges too, such as Johnson & Wales University which is THE most recognizable name in culinary schools, RISD which is one of the better art schools in New England, then we come to another school, Brown University. How in the hell could I come to Providence and NOT go to Brown University? Well ladies and gentlemen we are going to kick off our trip to Rhode Island right, next stop, Brown University!

I got one of those little walking maps to Providence, and it had Brown University on there as a stop on their self-guided walking tour. There was also a little bathroom icon next to the University, which means there was a public restroom located inside of the place. It was number one on the GoProvidence.com’s walking tour, it was also the area furthest away, so I headed up College Hill, and I made my way home.

Now the map would lead you to believe that there is only one solitary public bathroom. However, this is not the case. The map told me that the bathroom would be accessible from Waterman Street, which technically it was. I had been holding in an Egg McMuffin all the way from South Station preparing my anus for its’ destiny. College Hill is large, and the entrance to the University was about a quarter mile down the street. I didn’t see the main opening from Waterman Street, and I got completely fucking lost.

My first bathroom trip I fucked up big time. There was an archway where you walk through that brings you to the green. They said that the bathroom would be right there, except it isn’t. There was a giant map that showed all of the classroom buildings, and all of the residence halls, but there was nothing written on the wall that said “bathroom”. No icon, no writing, no nothing. I could not take listening to my inner brown try to claw its’ way out, I had to do what I had to do, I went into the building which was opposite of the map, and I had to find the shitter, and fast!

I believe it was the admissions building, and there was a bathroom sign immediately as I walked it. “Score”, I thought to myself. This is going to be an easy one. Plus, it is a nice feather in the cap to say that The Secret Shitter laid down some brown at Brown. There are two sets of stairs, one leads up to a guy sitting in a reception desk, the other leads downstairs to some sitting areas and computers. That is where you will need to go.

When you walk down the stairs you will find an old looking door on your left. It will say “Men’s Room” on it, and you know you have found the right place. Well, unless you are a lady. So at first walking in, it was a sight to be seen. There were four stalls lined up against the right side wall. The handicap one was occupied, which means I would need to go and use one of the other ones. I had to make haste because even though I am not old, I totally do not look like I belong in a college. The only Brown Police I was trying to alert, were the ones patrolling my ass.

Now I do have to say that this is going to be the post with the least amount of pictures. This is due in part to some of what I have outlined above, and the other being that this bathroom was busy as fucking hell. I walked in and there were three dudes using the urinals, and another two washing their hands, and there was a lone guy in the handicap stall playing “Old Brown” on his own ass-saxophone.

Me on the other hand I had a Bruno Brown Bear of my own coming out of hibernation looking to hydrate himself in the pristine lakes of Underground Brown. I heaved and I grunted with such passion, that I am pretty sure I was scaring some of the kids. I even had one knock at the door from a concerned student asking me “if everything was alright dude”? Everything was not alright, I had an hour old South Station Egg McMuffin trying to nuzzle its’ way out of my asshole. This is just adding to the insurmountable pressure I was already feeling being in a place that I knew I shouldn’t have been in. I am in a college, without identifying myself, going into a student only bathroom. I am also trying to review it for a crapping website, making this one of the tensest reviews to date. I know I am not breaking the law, well, maybe trespassing? But I am not doing anything hazardous to anyone except paying homage to the very facility I was in.

I do have to say though with how busy this bathroom is; it’s truly amazing how clean the place was. There were two rolls of fresh TP in their holder, and there was no graffiti anywhere. The only wall writings were printed out by the tutoring department looking to see if you needed help with classes. They put them on the inside of the stall. Yeah you read that right. They put advertisement for tutoring classes on the inside wall of the stall I was in. I know I think entirely too much when I take a shit, but I have never contemplated if my studies are falling behind. How awkward of a conversation is that going to be? “Hey I um, like, saw your advertising for tutoring while I was shitting and I wanted to know if you can help me with my Organic Chemistry 101 class?”

           With the tutor ads up in my grill, I had more of a chance to take in the sights around me. This bathroom was old. And I am not just saying that because Brown University is well over two-hundred years old. The bathroom was outdated as hell. They had those old-school little tiles I remember being in the CCD school back home. I am almost certain no one uses tiles of those sizes anymore. Well the walls were white, and the floor was red. Both of them were those little tiles. It looked fucking hideous.

Now that I was getting ready to finish up I had to take my attention to the toilet paper. This was government-grade two ply right here. This toilet paper ripped my asshole to shreds. It was also the kind that didn’t bunch up too well, or fold up well. It was just abysmal. Nothing was good about it. There just isn’t anything more to say about it.

I did like that the flusher gave me the option of being environmentally conscience. It was one of those flushers that you pull them up for a piss, and pull ‘em down for a Brown. They regulate water flow so it doesn’t use as much water if you pee. Again I don’t know why there aren’t more of them around, but I am starting to see them more and more in my shitty travels. The flusher is manual, and so are the sinks and soap. There were paper towels, so that was a plus.

Well now that I am done being “Ever True to Brown” it is time for me to come to the actual data. The meat and potatoes of our writings, The Secret Shitter’s Review. Now everything is out of a possible five stars, Let’s begin.

Number of Stalls: 4

Stall Comfort: 2

Accessibility: 2

Décor: 1

Cleanliness: 4

Toilet Paper Quality: 2

Busyness: 5

 

Overall Rating: 2

 

Well there you have it a measly 2 Stars to start off our trip to Providence. I had such high hopes for Brown University, I mean the college is named after shit. I would have thought that they would take their pooping as serious as their academics. But no, how sadly wrong I was. Let me count the ways at how awful this bathroom is. First you can hardly find it. If you just walked into the building and declared yourself to the kid at the desk, I doubt you would be granted entry. If you do manage that, you will be greeted with a hostile shitting environment. It isn’t a place you go to get away, you go here and you make your own Brown University, and then you leave. There is no admiring anything in here, nor should you. This bathroom sucks to be honest. Plus, as I was leaving the Brown grounds I overhead a kid saying very loudly, “this _________ is fucking forty years old and he is going to school here”? Use your imagination to fill in the blank. So not only are the students here assholes, but the college’s bathrooms suck too. Number one shithead, I am not “forty years old”. Number two, I was taking a dump in your school so I could write about it in my book. Number three, I have a book out and another one in the works. What have you done with your life other than write useless research papers? Come find me when you’ve accomplished something in life. Until then, kindly Go Fuck Yourself. And with that said, I think it is rather ironic that last statement conveys my exact feeling towards Brown University, please kindly go fuck yourself.

 

 

I am traveling around New England with my next edition of The Secret Shitter Guidebook series. Buy our first guidebook, The Secret Shitter’s Guide to Boston vol. 1 to go and help support us. Or you can click the Donate button at the top of the screen. Just know that each donation and book sale helps me keep up with the website, and helps me go to other places.