Christmas Tree Shop – Assembly Row

Don’t you just, love the shitter? No that wasn’t a rhetorical question, that was me shamelessly trying to fit in my website to the jingle of our next location; The Christmas Tree Shop in Assembly Row. Now I am no stranger to the Assembly Row Marketplace, which is located in Somerville Massachusetts. I am trying to go for covering every bathroom in the entire area, and I think I am almost done. That isn’t really important right now. What is important is that we go and investigate another pooper.

So what exactly is The Christmas Tree Shops? Well it is a subsidiary of the Bed, Bath, and Beyond chain. It is a bargains and closeout type store serving the east coast. It has eighty-three locations, and its’ headquarters are located in Yarmouth Port, Massachusetts*. At one point in my life I used to spend the summers down in Yarmouth Port with my Aunt Christine and Uncle Todd. It is your atypical Cape Cod small town. Little cottages, and surrounded by the ocean. It is a wonderful place to stay in the summer, but awful in the winter.

Ok so I kind of got off track there. I didn’t actually go to the headquarters; I went to one of the outlets located in Somerville. The store itself is really cool. I enjoy going in there and getting rooster-themed items for my kitchen, and I really don’t have to spend a whole lot of money to do so. But this isn’t about kitchens, this is about shitters. I felt the effects of my Iced Coffee from Dunkin’ Donuts percolate in my tummy while I was perusing the aisles, so I decided that I would seek out a place to lay down some of my own brown bargains.

The bathroom here is sort of hard to find. It is in the back of the store next to the kitchen stuff. There is a large sign that says; “Bathroom” so it is perfectly a-ok to go drop a duce in here. No purchase needed to use the bathroom, you just need to find it. OK so when you find the sign, there is a small hallway, and both restrooms are located on the right hand side.

When you walk into the restroom is rather large. It was larger than I was expecting with two stalls and two urinals located inside. One stall was normal sized, and the other was a handicap one. I shouldn’t need to say which one I used, because if you haven’t figured it out yet, I used the handicap stall.

Now the stall itself was large. It was rectangular in shape, and was the length of the entire back wall. I enjoyed the actual size of the stall itself. However, there was no coat hook to hang up my bag and jacket. But located in the handicap stall was a baby changing station. That is kind of smart to be honest. Most baby changing stations are located outside of stalls in full public view. I don’t think I have ever encountered anyone actually using one before, but I would imagine that I would want a little privacy when it comes to that. So after inspecting the station for any poo-remnants, I laid my jacket and bag on it. Sometimes you have to improvise.

Ok so I went and I unleashed a cascade of my aerial anal assault and I noticed how dirty the bathroom itself was. There was more than your typical amount of toilet paper scattered about the bathroom. It was like someone took a quarter of the roll and just threw it all over the place. What was even more concerning to me was it looked like someone tried to take out one of those toilet seat cover things, and try to stuff it back into the box. Not only that but there was a wet floor sign inside of the bathroom which indicated to me that an employee went in to clean it, and didn’t bother cleaning up the toilet paper scattered all over the ground. There could have just been some asshole who decided to wreck the place after the dude cleaned it too, but I guess we will never know.

    OK so as I was sitting there shitting, I will say this bathroom is busy, and loud. There were a total of four people who walked in there. One of which had a child who wouldn’t shut the fuck up. It was a little girl from what I could gather and all she was babbling about was some stupid toy she wanted. The guy literally couldn’t get a word in edge-wise, except for the “be quiet please”. However, yours truly stunted her stammering with my anal assault, then they realized that they were not alone. The girl kept saying things like “daddy that is gross” and “oh my god daddy what is that smell”. I sat there kind of giggling to myself as the little girl was saying that, and before I knew it, they were gone from the bathroom.

Ok so the décor of the place was a little weird, and not in the good way. They had these olive colored tiled walls with white accent tiles, and they had a grey floor. To be honest the color scheme made the bathroom feel kind of dank and smaller than it actually was. The whole room itself felt like it was so claustrophobic. I really didn’t like it at all.

After my shit was complete I had the duty to wipe my ass. Unfortunately for me, this bathroom had that really cheap two ply, sandpaper-like toilet paper. The kind that rips my asshole to shreds. I shudder when I think of such shitty toilet paper. I know it is a closeout store, but they can’t get any better toilet paper?

Well the kind of cool thing was there were plungers in each stall. I guess when you are selling them for $2.99 you can afford to go and leave them in your bathrooms. I would do the same if I ever had a public toilet, only I would make a sign saying it was the customer’s duty to clean their duty. I should be an advertising agent or something like that.

So after using the manual flusher, sink, and soap I went to leave the bathroom when something in the top corner caught my eye. There seemed to be two motion sensor type air freshener dispensers. Both of which were not working because even at the entrance at the other end of the bathroom I could still smell my beefy dook like it was still coming out of my asshole.

Ok so now you know all about that bathroom, so why don’t we get into The Secret Shitter’s Review. Now remember that all of these categories are out of a possible five. Let’s begin shall we?

 

Number of Stalls: 2

Stall Comfort: 3

Accessibility: 2

Cleanliness: 2

Décor: 2

Toilet Paper Quality: 2

Busyness: 4

 

Overall Rating: 2

So the Christmas Tree Shop scored a two out of a possible five when it came to our ratings. It wasn’t very clean. It also wasn’t very accessible, which was good. However, the bargain basement toilet paper is something that really sank this ship. Not only that but it was fucking busy in there, and that little girl wouldn’t shut the fuck up and let me (or her dad) shit in peace. I liked the idea of what they were trying to do with the décor in this bathroom, but it really wasn’t working. I give them an A+ for thinking outside of the box with their color scheme, but really it isn’t doing the bathrooms any favors. The stall was roomy, but what good is that if there is no place to hang your jacket? Had there been baby shit on that changing station I would have been shit out of luck and had to place my coat and bag on the ground, which was wet, and had fucking wads of toilet paper all over it. Also who the hell decides that they don’t want the paper toilet seat cover? And why wouldn’t you just throw the fucking thing out? Why did you have to attempt to stuff it back into the box? We all know that things don’t go back into the box like it came out, so unless you are some sort of bathroom wizard, don’t fucking do it. Just throw the god damn thing out. If you are shopping in the store and need a place to shit, this is a bathroom. I would advise you to use the one in the parking garage, but if you can’t hold it, this one will just have to do, but do not think that you are going to get any five star accommodations here. Until next time, Peace.

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OK so you read the review, and bought the book, so now what? Why don’t you share the site with your friends and you guys can laugh together at my misfortune of using terrible bathrooms? You can do that by sharing each post, in face there is probably a share button below this writing. You literally just have to press the button. I don’t care if it is on Tumblr, Twitter, Grider, or Facebook, just help me spread the word. Thanks again for reading and see you next week.

 

*Information about Christmas Tree Shops and Corporate Headquarters came from Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christmas_Tree_Shops

Kmart (Assembly Row, Somerville)

                As I was printing out some pictures of the local beach, I was in need of some new picture frames to house them. As you know from last week’s post I went to the Assembly Row Parking Garage while I was en route back to the Assembly MBTA Station. I had a bad experience with the AC Moore’spicture frame I got last week. The nails were too small to hammer and hold the picture hanger into place. Although the frame did look nice once I put my picture in it. However with a fresh batch of prints I was in need of more frames of various sizes. I didn’t want to settle on the dollar store ones either. So I decided I would head over to The Christmas Tree Shop to see if they had any on sale (which they did in case you were wondering). However, The Christmas Tree Shop is located at the far end of Assembly Row. As I started at the first store I felt a bubbling building up inside which I was no longer able to contain. I was too far away from the Parking Garage Bathroom, but the cosmos must have been in my favor because I looked up, and saw my next destination; The Kmart of Assembly Row.

The sign to lead me home photo: The Secret Shitter

               Ah yes, Kmart, the not quite as successful older brother of Wal-Mart. They provide pretty much the same type of retail items. And if you have never been to one, or heard of a Kmart, I am not going to bore you with the details. I needed a place to poop, and I needed it now!

                As I head in, I turn left at the major intersection; it is funny how these stores herd you around them like a really bad traffic loop. I make the right past the seasonal items, and embossed on a bright red sign reads; “Bathrooms”.

“Yes, this is it”, I thought to myself.

I was in final warning mode now, which meant I needed to get to the shitter, and fast.

The Bathroom in all of its’ glory Photo; The Secret Shitter

                The men’s room is the last door straight ahead after you go past a small hallway which houses the employee break room, and a managers’ office. Don’t be fooled! The ladies room is down this hall, but the men’s room is not. You must keep on trucking keeping the ball house to your right, and enter in the final door on your left.

                I was relieved to find that the bathroom was completely unoccupied. If it hadn’t been I would really feel bad for the poor blokes that were in there with me. Now looking around I went straight for the handicap stall. There were only two stalls in this bathroom completely, so I really didn’t have a choice in the matter. I latched the door shut and I put my trusty Chrome Backpack up on the coat hanger for safe keeping. Now even though this bathroom looks as though it was modeled after the old Bradley’s bathroom, this coat hanger was sturdy as ever.

                I sat down on a lower-than-normal toilet admiring the waded up toilet paper that had been sitting in the corner since Lord-knows-when. Upon further investigation it didn’t seem to have any brown markings on it typical of the white trash that roams the sales Serengeti. There was a plunger nestled into the corner as well. I was glad I spotted it in case the poop demons decided that they did not want to cross over.

a throne Photo; The Secret Shitter

                Sitting on this throne, I knew that my shit would be swift and boisterous. As I buckled down, I took some time to admire my surroundings. There was a very saddening dark grey, grey, and white color scheme which permeated around me. This place reminds me of a hospital shitter, except less sanitary. All the while I was sitting there I did notice something, that this bathroom was completely quiet. The only things I could hear, other than my own thoughts, were the sounds of distressed cashiers calling for supervisors to give them change over the public address system. Throughout the course of my swift bowel actions, only one person came in. They took a quick piss, and (without washing their hands) left post haste.

                While I was taking this all in, I turned to the large roll of toilet paper nuzzled into the bar which was to my right. I did my patented squeeze test, and immediately felt even worse. This toilet paper felt think and brittle, that stood no chance against the guardians of my nether-garden. On this day however, I would find redemption in the form of the still filled toilet paper roll sitting neatly in its’ container. I did the squeeze test again and was overcome with elation! This was good average quality padded two ply paper! Ah yes, it was like nectar to my sweet anus’ ears. I briskly wiped and flushed down the brown using my foot on the manual flusher.

Old Glory Herself Photo; The Secret Shitter

                I grabbed my bag and I headed for the wash station. Directly opposite the baby changing station one can find the analog sink and soap dispenser. After using the sink I turned to the paper towels to dry my hands with. After doing that task I noticed on the wall next to the baby changing station was the air dryer. This was an old decrepit model which was unfit to dry my meaty paws. I tapped on the button for shits and giggles to see if the old dog still had life left in it. Confirming my suspicions it let off this sort of old howl, like an air conditioner that is about to die. Yes it worked, but for how long is anyone’s guess.

                I finished my poop by browsing some of the isles, but I had no intention to actually purchase something. I only did so to not raise suspicions about my dastardly booty objectives.

                So now that you have heard from me, I guess it is that time of the post where we break down the bathroom, blow for blow. Remember The Secret Shitter’s Five Star Reviewis out of a possible five (5) stars. Let us begin.

Number of Stalls: 2

Toilet Paper Quality: 3

Stall Comfort: 3

Busyness: 1.5

Décor: 1

Cleanliness: 2.5

Accessibility: 2

Overall Rating: 2.5

                Here as you can see the Kmart of Assembly Row got a measly 2.5score. If you and the fam are out and about bargain hunting here, this is a perfectly acceptable shitter. You are not going to catch any butt-bugs, although I did notice a cleaning log on the door that was left completely blank. I am going to say that they keep those logs in the back room. If you are going on a lavatory sight-seeing trip this bathroom is nothing special to write home about. The décor is a bore. It is bland and it is tacky. This bathroom looks completely old, even though that particular Kmart hasn’t been there for very long, or maybe it has, I am really not an authority on Assembly Row, just a patron. I wouldn’t hesitate to use this bathroom if I was in there, but I would much rather hold it for greener pastures, like the Assembly Row Parking Garage. Well there you have it folks, an ordinary shitter, which is nothing to write home about. It serves its’ job, and sometimes when you get that collect call from Mother Nature, that is all you truly need. Happy Shitting folks!

 

An Unmarked Cleaning List Photo: The Secret Shitter

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Assembly Row Parking Garage

The Diamond in the Rough Photo Credit; The Secret Shitter

Did you know that going down to Somerville’s Assembly Row is one of my favorite new spots? I love the fact that there is a Christmas Tree Shop, Kmart, and a Home Depot all along the MBTA’s brand new Assembly Station. There are plenty of things to do here. There are numerous factory outlet stores. Assembly Row is also home to Legoland! I cannot enter Legoland without a child. Maybe one of these days I will take my nephew down and pay a visit. But for now I was searching for the public restroom when I had to flag down some security people and have them point the way. It is hidden inside of the parking garage, which brings us to our next episode of The Secret Shitter.

      Locating this is a tad tricky. It is next to the Gymboree outlet store. You head down a concrete hallway, and look directly right and you will see a large illuminated box within the confines of the drab indoor parking lot.

Now this restroom is split, left side for the men, and right for the women. If you are waiting for one of your friends or loved ones, there are very nice benches located directly out of the bathroom exit. The benches look like they are made of faux leather, and are somewhat comfortable to sit on. I know this because as I was going over my notes, I spent a good five to seven minutes sitting down.

Now as you enter you will see two stalls and a handicap one. You know which one I am headed for… I saunter my way into the handicap stall and I lock the door behind me. As I shut the door and I am mentally preparing myself, I turn around to find the coat hanger, which is located on most of the stall doors, but I could not find one. I turn my attention slightly right, and on the right side of the door there is the coat hanger hanging on the wall. “Impressive” I say to myself, this is totally a first for me. Someone clearly has either been reading the blog, or they are just another like-minded bathroom aficionado.

The restroom itself is very bright, and tidy. I go to “get in my zone” and examine the seat. This seat was different though. The seat had a fluid concave circular drop around the inside rim of the bowl. This is the first time I have experienced a bowl design like this. It felt odd, but efficient; it is very hard to describe to be honest. I guess the word I am looking for would be ergonomic perhaps? Either way it is time for me to get down with the brown clowns.

There is the Coat Hanger Photo Credit; The Secret Shitter

Remember how I told you about the coat hanger? Well seated on my throne, I notice something kind of cool. The coat hanger is directly center of the steel support beam which runs vertically from the ceiling to the floor. Upon further investigation I concluded that this coat hanger is one of the sturdiest I have seen to date.

There was a low busyness factor in this facility. I believe only one person came in while I heaved a grumpy for a solid ten minutes. This allowed me to immerse myself in my surroundings and take in the décor of the parking lot restroom. Now the décor is a mostly white industrial-yet-modern design with some accent tiles plastered around in a pleasing arrangement. As I am soaking up the design, I notice something really lavish about this latrine. There is wood trim which runs the length around the bathroom horizontally. Now I know this whole complex was built fairly recently, but man, for a parking lot bathroom these guys went the extra mile! Needless to say I am very pleased with the aesthetics of this powder room.

Now on to the TP. Unfortunately the TP that was present was a measly one-ply. Kind of disappointing considering how the rest of the bathrooms atmosphere feels. Either way as I wiped my butt, I could feel it start to sting. The fucking one ply was literally tearing me a new one! This is the burden one carries around with them when they are at the mercy of hemorrhoids. However I do not let the inferior quality paper spoil my trip.

The Accent Tiles and Wood Trim Photo Credit; The Secret Shitter

Now as you can imagine the flush took my mighty offering down with one gulp. I gathered my items and I headed towards the hand washing station. As you can imagine all of the dispensers are automatic. Both water and soap dispenser is made by this company called Sloan. The water flow was steady and efficient, and the soap didn’t have that weird timed delay that most have. It took about one and one-half cycles of water to clean my hands. Now for the hand drying situation there were two options; paper towels, and an air dryer.  Now for those of you who have been paying attention, I usually do not use the air-dryers that are in most bathrooms. They never fully dry my hands and I am always left with some slightly damp hands. However everything changes when you see the Dyson Airblade DB. Now if any of you are unfamiliar with the Airblade DB, it is a dryer that you stick your hands down vertically while air blows on both sides of your hands, wicking it away as you lift your hands up and out of the sensor region. Although this is just as efficient as most air-dryers, I always have fun using these. I feel like I am in the future!

Upon my exit of the restroom I notice something rather odd hanging from the door. There are hours for this restroom. The hours posted on the door are as follows:

Monday – Saturday: 10:00AM – 9:00PM

Sunday:  11:00AM – 6:00PM

Now I can’t help but think that these hours are just a loose set of guidelines. Because after taking a note of the hours, I looked down at my watch to record the time and it was 6:50PM on a Sunday night. So there has to be something amiss here. I will attribute it to the fact that it is most likely securities job to ensure the bathroom is locked, and there is probably a bare-bone skeleton crew scheduled on Sunday’s.

                

     So now that you have come along with me on my little excursion to Somerville, let us begin The Secret Shitter Review. Now for all of you new readers (and for those of you who may need a refresher) these are rated out of a possible 5 stars.

Number of Stalls: 3

Toilet Paper Quality: 1

Stall Comfort: 4

Busyness: 1.5

Décor: 4.5

Cleanliness: 4

Accessibility: 2

Overall: 4.5

Congratulations Assembly Row Parking Garage for receiving a very commendable 4.5 out of 5 stars from The Secret Shitter! I believe this is the highest rating I have bestowed upon any place as of the time of this writing. Everything about this shitter was a home run outside of a few things. I have a feeling that this was probably one of the last places Assembly Row wanted to house their bathroom, but it might have been a victim of a design flaw. Or maybe they are conning me, maybe this bathroom is so awesome that you have to seek it out and be amazed for yourself. Either way, this bathroom only got a minus .5 stars because of the accessibility factor, and the horrendous TP they used. If they changed the TP situation here I might have to amend my rating and give this a perfect 5 stars. However with all things considered, the bathroom at the Assembly Row Parking Garage should be a destination for any avid public pooper. You will thank me when you find this diamond in the rough. For now everyone, remember to grunt with pride, and never be ashamed to poop.

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